Thursday, June 27, 2013

Thinking Outside the Inbox


Yet another entry in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

"Hi Chez,

I wanted to get in touch about 3 Doors Down and Daughtry, who, as you might know, are co-headlining a 13 date summer tour starting on July 3rd. Both Daughtry and 3 Doors Down are active members of the 'askem' community, which is mobile platform that allows users to engage their social network by asking them questions they would like answered.

For example, 3 Doors Down recently asked: 'Chet's new guitar -- what do you think? #3DD #askem', which results in 72% answering 'This is badass' and 28% answering 'I really liked the old one'. Daughtry recently asked: 'Who is the real star?', which resulted in 49% answering 'Lil’ guy', 39% answering 'Tough choice' and 11% answering 'Big guy'.

Now Askem would like to ask you: which band are you excited to see this summer?

-- Daughtry?

-- 3 Doors Down?

-- Or both?

Please contact me if you’d like to learn more about 'askem', this survey, and if you’d like to speak with the CEO of 'askem', about the platform and their partnership with Daughtry and 3 Doors Down.

Best,

Alex"


And now, my response...

Dear Alex,

Thanks for taking the time to write as I so rarely get to the chance to talk to someone as smart as me. First off, might know about the upcoming Daughtry/3 Doors Down tour? Are you kidding? As a former 37-year-old gas station attendant in Ocala, Florida and a recent proud half-semester graduate of Apex Tech's prestigious school of refrigerator repair, I already have my tickets well in hand for their big show at the Gatorama amphitheater just off Route 27. Asking me to decide which band I'm more excited to see is like asking -- well, I just don't know! I guess that's why I need your product.

About that: So what you're saying is that I now never have to make a decision again because I can just ask the always trustworthy people of the internet what I should do in any given situation, do I have this right? And what's more, to avoid the uncomfortable situation that arises whenever I already do this on Twitter and get back one of those pesky 140-character essay answers (TL;DR!), I can just put it in the form of a multiple choice question, thereby truly dumbing the whole process down to the level of a retarded three-year-old who's just had an ice-pick lobotomy, right? Well, where do I sign up?

You have no idea how handy your product would've been a couple of months ago when I was trying to figure out whether to hit my girlfriend with an open-hand or a closed fist for accidentally throwing out my favorite Puddle of Mudd t-shirt. Or when I had to decide between 20x12 American Racing bolt-pattern rims for my truck or a new roll bar and custom decal for the back window memorializing my brothers Donnie and Randy who died last year in a rollover crash because they didn't have a roll bar. Or when I needed to decide whether to secretly go down on that guy behind the 7-11 last Tuesday night or let him go down on me.

Bottom line here, yeah, I'd love to talk to your CEO. At least I think. How about I get your product and let the public decide for me -- would that be possible? I'm so bad at this decision thing.

Before I go, because I see that Junior's started a fire out in the shed, I think I figured out the answer to that question you asked.

Which would I like most:

1. Seeing Daughtry

2. Seeing 3 Doors Down

3. Both

4. Falling into the pit at Gatorama before one note of "music" is played and being ripped apart by hungry alligators and crocodiles while a crowd looks on in horror.

I'd say #4. Sure, I added that fourth choice, but your product lets me do that -- right?

Toodles,

Chez

4 comments:

Josh Bond said...

Just. Fucking. Brilliant.

As always.

Janean said...

I really needed something to laugh at today. This was great.

Alexander said...

I'm literally a 38 year-old living in the Ocala area, and once worked in a gas station there. I've been reading you since before you revealed your identity and got fired, back when your days were spent fearing Oprah and raging against nameless co-workers.

Kinda surreal man.

Big Brother and shit.

Kel said...

You really just want to hit them on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and say No! (Disclaimer: No actual PR people were harmed in the making of this comment)