Today's late-in-the-day column for the Daily Banter takes a look back on the week that was -- namely, the comical silliness that was the Republican National Convention.
Here's the opening shot:
"My mother has this thing where she refuses to watch violent R-rated movies. No matter how brilliant a film is — how well it was reviewed, how many awards it’s won, how seminal it may be — if there’s even a fair amount of bloodshed in it, chances are she won’t go anywhere near it. When asked why she willingly cuts herself off from dozens upon dozens of excellent films just because of a little violence, she always comes back with the same basic answer: “Why would I want to subject myself to something that will only upset and disgust me?” This is pretty much what I’ve been thinking over the past few nights, the reason I haven’t really watched any of the Republican National Convention at length: Why would I want to subject myself to something I already know will only upset and disgust me? Maybe I’m shirking my obligation to be both a responsible voter and an informed online commentator, but, well, tough — I’ve never been a big fan of migraines and if I wanted to simply piss myself off for no good reason, I’d call my ex-wife..."
Read the Rest Here
Friday, August 31, 2012
Join the After Party
This week: We Continue Discussing the Lies of the Republican Party; Bob Rants About Republican Voter ID and Voter Registration Laws; A Prudent Republican President; Lance Armstrong and Justice; Yard Crashers; News Anchors Can’t Stop Cursing; The Worst RNC Jokes and Why Conservatives Aren’t Funny; and much more.
"Nonsense from Clint Eastwood, anti-people Hollywood actor, in defense of Mitt Romney, the Right’s candidate for the U.S. elections. For friends who know English, if you understand what this guy said, let me know too.”
-- The caption from the above picture circulating throughout Iranian media circles this morning, translated back into English
Look, I noticed quite a few people on the left, particularly in a couple of choice columns at the Huffington Post, giving Clint crap not about anything he said or the fact that he was willing to appear in front of the RNC at all, but about what it all supposedly says about him as a person. In other words, there was a lot of denigrating of a guy who's undisputedly a Hollywood legend and a cultural icon just because he happens to be Republican. It was petty, it was foolish and it was a flawless example of just how ridiculously all-or-nothing our political discourse has become. I don't particularly love Eastwood's politics across the board, but that doesn't mean I can't have a hell of a lot of respect for who he is and what he's done throughout his career -- and I'm certainly not going to try to pretend that his political affiliation somehow lessens or cheapens his accomplishments. That's fucking stupid.
That said, his speech was admittedly really bizarre -- although I do think it added some much needed life and a sense of tightrope-walking danger to the otherwise tediously boring proceedings. This was, after all, the staircase-descending coming out event for the world's most uninteresting debutante, Mitt Romney. In fact, I kind of think Clint may have purposely punked the GOP. Maybe he's been tapped to replace Dunn in the Jackass crew and this was his big introduction. Also, like all of Eastwood's work, his speech was slow, had a lot of unnecessary pauses and was about twice as long as it needed to be.
President Obama tweeted this photo as a response to Clint Eastwood's utterly bizarre speech at the Republican National Convention, in which he addressed an empty chair that was supposed to represent Obama.
The caption: "This seat's taken."
Leave it to Obama to out bad-ass Clint.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Republican Convention Lies and Lying Liars; Fact Checking Paul Ryan’s Lie-Filled Speech; America’s Post-Fact Politics; Lindsey Graham Accidentally Tells the Truth About the GOP Base; Chuck Todd’s Astonishing Quote; George W. Bush Has Romney Fever; and much more. Brought to you by Bubble Genius.
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"The Republican Party has set out at its 2012 convention in search of the Event Horizon of utter bullshit."
-- Esquire's Charles Pierce
And there you have it: my favorite thing said about this year's Republican National Convention -- and the rest of Pierce's column is equally vicious and brilliant.
Oh and sorry about all the quotes today -- they're just really good and I'm really busy.
There simply aren't words to express how much I love the merry misanthropes over at 4Chan.
Taylor Swift is currently running a contest called "Taylor Swift on Campus," which encourages kids to vote for their school, with the winning school getting a live performance from Taylor herself (during which she'll presumably whine for an hour-and-a-half about all the guys who broke up with her, then simulate oral sex on an effigy of one of the Kennedys).
As you can see, the 4Chan kids are seeing to it that the right school wins the contest.
Yes, the Horace Mann School for the Deaf -- enrollment, 128 students -- currently has double the number of votes of its nearest competitor and almost four times the votes of the one behind that.
"People have this picture in their minds of a person planning to -- a psychopath. But that's not the case. Suppose you have a man having a nervous breakdown, and a youngster comes after him. A lot of the cases, the youngster -- 14, 16, 18 -- is the seducer... Here's this poor guy, Sandusky -- it went on for years. Interesting: Why didn't anyone say anything? Apparently, a number of kids knew about it and didn't break the ice. Well, you know, until recent years, people did not register in their minds that it was a crime. It was a moral failure, scandalous -- but they didn't think of it in terms of legal things."
-- Father Benedict Groeschel, popular TV host and director of the Office for Spiritual Development for the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, in an interview with the Catholic National Reporter (which has, for obvious reasons, since been taken down)
"Yes, suppose you have a man having, let's say, a nervous breakdown. We'll call him Fathe.. uh... Fra... Francis... um... Francis Bene... Benjamin... Francis Benjamin Goooorrrrriswold. Yes, Francis Benjamin Griswold. Now it's perfectly reasonable to believe that Francis Griswold would be a prime target, in his weakened emotional and mental state, for the advances of that most wily of sexual tempters -- a 14-year-old boy. Would you really call Francis Griswold a psychopath? Ha! I think not! Not so long ago, he wouldn't even be breaking any laws by succumbing to the... the supple, young flesh, smooth skin and tight hard muscles of that young siren."
Meanwhile, back at the offices of the Catholic Archdiocese of New York: "Yeah, thanks for doing us that big PR favor, asshole."
Just figured I'd take a minute out from all the political talk to bring you a feel-good story.
Now I'm going to go call Benson and Stabler and suggest they run a methane probe through Father Groeschel's basement.
As promised overnight, today's column for the Daily Banter -- written before Wolf "Human Ambien" Blitzer and Erin "AmEx Black Card" Burnett decided that the factual errors in Paul Ryan's speech didn't matter -- takes aim at CNN just 24-hours after I uncharacteristically showed the network a little love.
Here's the opening shot:
"Well, it was nice while it lasted. I was allowed all of about 24-hours of magnanimity and good will toward CNN before something happened to kind of blow it all to hell. You’ll remember that when we last left your humble narrator, he was painting a mental picture of CNN functioning as a news operation that closely resembles the hyper-idealized and eminently ethical one depicted in Aaron Sorkin’s The Newsroom. I truly believed that CNN had the potential to stand tall and assume a mantle that no other network in the country has been willing to, one of a news organization wholly dedicated to fierce, adversarial journalism; committed to letting only the facts dictate the terms of a story and unwilling to allow anyone from any political stripe to get away with trying to dance around or flat out ignore those facts. I still think CNN is capable of becoming that kind of news network — in fact, I still think it’s uniquely positioned among its contemporaries to make that little dream come true for the news-hungry public.
But then it goes off and does something stupid — like what it did less than 48-hours ago in response to an incident at the Republican National Convention in Tampa..."
Read the Rest Here
"The good news is that the Romney-Ryan campaign has likely created dozens of new jobs among the legions of additional fact checkers that media outlets are rushing to hire to sift through the mountain of cow dung that flowed from Ryan’s mouth."
-- Sally Kohn, of all things a Fox News contributor, in a column which claims that Ryan may have set the world record for the number of blatant lies in one political speech
I'm not sure how many times or ways this can be said: There's a difference between political spin, which all campaigns engage in, and outright lies, which the Romney camp has been almost breathtakingly audacious about dispensing and repeating, even in the face of a mountain of contradictory evidence.
If this kind of staggering detachment from reality were being displayed by anyone not trying to win a political campaign, you'd call that person a sociopath.
To dig back to an old and appropriate Saturday Night Live reference, at this point the perfect Republican campaign slogan would be, "Romney-Ryan 2012: Yeah, That's the Ticket."
"The demographics race we’re losing badly. We’re not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long term.”
-- Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina
Graham must be a recovering alcoholic because he just had what 12-steppers commonly refer to as a "moment of clarity."
In a couple of related items, this and this.
An black-and-white pencil artist named Cynthia Lund Torroll took some of her work, set it to one of my absolute favorite pieces of music of the last several years and posted it on YouTube -- and that's why I'm now posting it here.
I really can't express enough how much I love this song.
From David Poe and Duncan Sheik -- here's Loves a Sinner. The song fades out a little early -- but it's still worth putting up.
"So there he is, the Republican vice presidential nominee and his beautiful family there. His mom is up there. This is exactly what this crowd of Republicans here, certainly Republicans all across the country were hoping for. He delivered a powerful speech, Erin, a powerful speech. Although I marked seven or eight points I'm sure the fact-checkers will have some opportunities to dispute if they want to go forward, I'm sure they will. As far as Mitt Romney's campaign is concerned, Paul Ryan on this night delivered."
-- CNN's Wolf Blitzer, following Paul Ryan's address at the RNC a few hours ago
Oh, just seven or eight potential factual errors. No big deal as long as he delivered a "powerful" speech, right?
Erin Burnett quickly responded, incidentally, by admitting that "there were some problems with the facts, but it motivated people."
I knew my sudden soft spot for CNN and the belief that it could be something truly special in television news wouldn't last very long. (Also see today's upcoming column in the Daily Banter.)
As for Ryan's speech, here are four separate articles that pick apart the lies upon lies upon utter bullshit upon shameless hypocrisy he dispensed while up there at the podium, proving once again that the entire Romney campaign is just daring somebody to stop it:
Salon: Paul Ryan's Brazen Lies/8.29.12
New York Magazine: Paul Ryan Bets on the Ignorance of America/8.29.12
Bloomberg: Paul Ryan's Hypocritical Attack on Barack Obama/8.29.12
TPM: Five Misleading Claims in Paul Ryan's Convention Speech/8.29.12
Ryan may as well have been saying in that picture above, "And on top of all that, my cock is this big!"
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
I hate to crib Cesca's site word for word, but there's simply no other way to put it: You just can't make this shit up.
From ABC News:
"Gov. Mitt Romney's campaign toasted its top donors Wednesday aboard a 150-foot yacht flying the flag of the Cayman Islands.
The floating party, hosted by a Florida developer on his yacht 'Cracker Bay,' was one of a dozen exclusive events meant to nurture those who have raised more than $1 million for Romney's bid.
'I think it's ironic they do this aboard a yacht that doesn't even pay its taxes,' said a woman who lives aboard a much smaller boat moored at the St. Petersburg Municipal Marina.
Romney's Cayman-based investments have come under fire during the campaign.
The event, attended by no more than 50 people, along with Romney relatives, including older brother Scott, appeared on no public calendars. ABC News obtained a schedule of the Romney campaign's 'Victory Council' and waited dockside to speak with members.
'It was a really nice event. These are good supporters,' said billionaire Wilbur Ross, an energy industry executive."
The campaign of Mitt Romney. On a yacht called the "Cracker Bay." Flying Cayman Islands flags.
I'm really beginning to think God writes for The Onion.
Matt Taibbi has written a fascinating, detailed and incredibly enlightening cover story in the new Rolling Stone on Mitt Romney's financial background and what it says about him and the way he thinks. The facts and figures it dispenses, as well as the way it shows how the anti-debt Romney has spent much of his career profiting off the debt of others, is required reading. But it's the way he wraps up the extended piece that really grabbed my attention.
"Listen to Mitt Romney speak, and see if you can notice what's missing. This is a man who grew up in Michigan, went to college in California, walked door to door through the streets of southern France as a missionary and was a governor of Massachusetts, the home of perhaps the most instantly recognizable, heavily accented English this side of Edinburgh. Yet not a trace of any of these places is detectable in Romney's diction. None of the people in any of those places bled in and left a mark on the man.
Romney is a man from nowhere. In his post-regional attitude, he shares something with his campaign opponent, Barack Obama, whose background is a similarly jumbled pastiche of regionally nonspecific non-identity. But in the way he bounced around the world as a half-orphaned child, Obama was more like an involuntary passenger in the demographic revolution reshaping the planet than one of its leaders.
Romney, on the other hand, is a perfect representative of one side of the ominous cultural divide that will define the next generation, not just here in America but all over the world. Forget about the Southern strategy, blue versus red, swing states and swing voters – all of those political clichés are quaint relics of a less threatening era that is now part of our past, or soon will be. The next conflict defining us all is much more unnerving.
That conflict will be between people who live somewhere, and people who live nowhere. It will be between people who consider themselves citizens of actual countries, to which they have patriotic allegiance, and people to whom nations are meaningless, who live in a stateless global archipelago of privilege – a collection of private schools, tax havens and gated residential communities with little or no connection to the outside world.
Mitt Romney isn't blue or red. He's an archipelago man. That's a big reason that voters have been slow to warm up to him. From LBJ to Bill Clinton to George W. Bush to Sarah Palin, Americans like their politicians to sound like they're from somewhere, to be human symbols of our love affair with small towns, the girl next door, the little pink houses of Mellencamp myth. Most of those mythical American towns grew up around factories – think chocolate bars from Hershey, baseball bats from Louisville, cereals from Battle Creek. Deep down, what scares voters in both parties the most is the thought that these unique and vital places are vanishing or eroding – overrun by immigrants or the forces of globalism or both, with giant Walmarts descending like spaceships to replace the corner grocer, the family barber and the local hardware store, and 1,000 cable channels replacing the school dance and the gossip at the local diner.
Obama ran on "change" in 2008, but Mitt Romney represents a far more real and seismic shift in the American landscape. Romney is the frontman and apostle of an economic revolution, in which transactions are manufactured instead of products, wealth is generated without accompanying prosperity, and Cayman Islands partnerships are lovingly erected and nurtured while American communities fall apart. The entire purpose of the business model that Romney helped pioneer is to move money into the archipelago from the places outside it, using massive amounts of taxpayer-subsidized debt to enrich a handful of billionaires. It's a vision of society that's crazy, vicious and almost unbelievably selfish, yet it's running for president, and it has a chance of winning. Perhaps that change is coming whether we like it or not. Perhaps Mitt Romney is the best man to manage the transition. But it seems a little early to vote for that kind of wholesale surrender."
I've said before, on more than one occasion, that the important thing to keep in mind when you hear discussions on the right of the need for unrestricted capitalism is that the modern free-market is in fact the least patriotic entity on the planet. It exists merely in the service of itself and those who worship it with relentless abandon, forsaking all other considerations, as Taibbi says, don't really give a damn about America. That's because this new brand of flat-Earth free-market capitalism doesn't recognize nations or states and therefore the people who serve it have no allegiance to any one country nor do they revel, as they used to, in ensuring that the homeland which ostensibly provided them with so much reaps a rewarded for its cultural and legal largess. They've almost literally created their own world.
"We are not sure of Skittles' thought process behind their new ad, but if they are attempting to offend customers, they have succeeded. Skittles' newest 'Walrus' commercial includes a teen girl making out with a walrus. The two are on a sofa in an apartment kissing on the mouth when her shocked roommate walks in on them. Parents find this type of advertising inappropriate and unnecessary. Does Skittles' have our children's best interest in mind? Skittles candies are for all ages, but their target market is children. Skittles Marketing Team may have thought this was humorous, but not only is it disgusting, it is taking lightly the act of bestiality. Let Skittles know their new ad is irresponsible."
-- The official statement from "One Million Mom" entitled "Disgusting Skittles Ad" demanding that Wrigley pull the supposedly offensive Skittles commercial which features a woman pretending to date a walrus
It's taking lightly the act of bestiality. The rampant problem of bestiality among America's youth. This is what One Million Moms, in all their perpetually uptight and unfucked glory, are worried about.
We are truly beyond parody.
Goo goo ga joob.
Today's column for the Daily Banter expands on something I wrote a while back regarding The Newsroom. The question: Is there one American TV news organization that could actually pull off the kind of broadcast Sorkin dreams of in his HBO series?
Here's an excerpt:
"I’ve been giving the whole 'Newsroom' impact thing some thought again after this week’s season finale of the show, which featured upper-management being forced to take the leash off Will McAvoy, the fictional anchor of News Night, and his staff. The result of that plot point led to one of the best-articulated summations of our current political crisis that I’ve ever seen expressed in pop culture or, really, anywhere. But something else got me thinking about the potential for the kind of supremely ethical news broadcast that this country has been sorely missing: CNN’s very serious recent ratings slide."
Read the Rest Here
As of right now this video has only 301 views. By this time tomorrow it'll likely have a million.
Here's the brand new video for the brand new single from Deadmau5, which features him and My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way facing off in a robot cage match in what's being called the most expensive dance music video ever made.
It's the premiere of Professional Griefers.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
(Update: This morning, two of the four independent reports I gleaned this story from are retracting it and saying that the chants of "USA!" had everything to do with the Paulbots, which I referenced briefly, and nothing to do with the functionary from Puerto Rico on the stage. I do my damndest to be fair and stick to the facts, so I want to make that clear. I've accused the right of simply and shamelessly making stuff up lately, which it has, and I certainly don't want to do the same.)
I've purposely avoided bringing up the RNC over the past day or so because, well, why bother? We already know exactly what's going to come out of it: At best it's political Kabuki, at worst, since we're dealing with the modern Republican party, it's going to be a lot of firebreathing, red meat chewing and the indefensible demonization of vast swaths of the American electorate.
But on that last point, I guess it really is possible for an unscripted moment of Neanderthalic nativism to take even me by surprise. So grab your popcorn, sit back and behold what happened when Zoraida Fonalledas, a Puerto Rican party functionary, was introduced, approached the podium and began to speak with a heavy Spanish accent.
Granted, the mindless Paulbots have been causing a lot of trouble at the convention so far, but Reince Priebus's very obviously astringent reaction should lead anyone watching it to assume that what he or she thinks was happening was actually happening: a bunch of delegates were shouting down a Latino woman with chants of "USA! USA!"
This is where I mention that Puerto Rico is part of the USA.
I can't even believe I need to do that.
Steve Benen over at the Maddowblog has been doing God's work over the past few months by chronicling, item by item, Mitt Romney's various lies. We're not talking about fudging the facts or engaging in political spin -- we're talking about saying stuff that flat-out isn't true and can be proven so with a couple of mouse clicks. His record, I think, is two-dozen whoppers in the span of a single week.
Well, today he takes a look at how the Romney campaign is getting away with abandoning all pretense of caring about actual facts -- and what it means for our political process from here on out.
Here's the salient quote, in response to the Romney camp's assertion that it keeps going with the thoroughly debunked claim that Obama is removing the work requirement from welfare because it's been really effective for them and, besides, it's "new information":
"The claims are 'new,' of course, because the Romney campaign made them up. Sure, it's 'new information,' in the same way it would be 'new information' if Obama said Mitt Romney sold heroin to children -- when one invents a lie, its 'newness' is self-evident. Romney pollster Neil Newhouse added, '[W]e're not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers.' ... It's important to realize there is no modern precedent for a presidential candidate rejecting the premise that facts matter. Mitt Romney is trying something no one has ever seen -- he's deemed the truth to be an inconvenient nuisance, which Romney will ignore, without shame, to advance his ambitions for vast power. If you don't find that frightening, you're not paying close enough attention... Romney is, in effect, issuing something of a dare -- he will ignore facts, thumb his nose at reality, and taunt truths with a childish question: What are you going to do about it?"
We're indeed in very dangerous territory when a man running for President of the United States and the people aiding him have zero compunction about lying outright if it means there's a political benefit to be reaped.
The same article quotes Greg Sargent, who makes a similar point to one I've made here many, many times:
"In this sense, the Romney campaign continues to pose a test to the news media and our political system. What happens when one campaign has decided there is literally no set of boundaries that it needs to follow when it comes to the veracity of its assertions? The Romney campaign is betting that the press simply won't be able to keep voters informed about the disputes that are central to the campaign, in the face of the sheer scope and volume of dishonesty it uncorks daily."
You may remember, I asked the same basic question but aimed it at news organizations like Fox News: What do you do when a supposedly respectable member of the news media refuses to play by the rules and simply airs whatever kind of thoroughly propagandistic nonsense it feels like? Fox has been doing that for years -- and maybe it was only natural that eventually the Republicans that the network speaks for in an official capacity got the hint and started doing the same.
"We want Obama's campaign to know that they aren't meeting their volunteer goals in deep-blue counties because people are finding this president's policies on cannabis too hard to swallow."
-- From the setup to an article by Steph Sherer, executive director of Americans for Safe Access, currently running on the front page of the Huffington Post
Because there's no one more willing to get off the couch and pound that pavement for a presidential campaign like somebody who's high.
Look, I get that I'm traveling down a rather controversial road around here yet again and that pot legalization is something that's important to a lot of people, but if this is the singular issue you're hanging your vote on in the upcoming election -- whether the President of the United States is friendly to what you believe is your need or God-given right to do drugs -- you really are getting stoned too often. And yes, Obama may have let you down when it comes to medical marijuana and other facets of the legalization argument, but you really need to rethink your position if you genuinely believe that a staunchly Mormon Republican in the White House is going to be more willing to capitulate to your demands or even kind of see things your way.
Today's column for the Daily Banter expands on the topic of Republican Senate candidate Tom Smith and his unfathomable comparison of pregnancy from rape to pregnancy out of wedlock. It not only pulls back the curtain on the pre-Enlightenment mindset the Republicans gleefully wallow in these days -- it also gives up quite a bit on what they think the subject of rape is really all about.
Here's the opening shot:
"When it comes to presenting a unified, impenetrable messaging front, there's nothing more fearsome or impressive than the GOP talking points machine; the Republicans simply know how to stay on point and move as one when they're dishing out their own branding. With that in mind, they really have to sit down with Lucifer, Mammon & Rove or whatever the hell their PR firm is named and come up with a stock answer they can give, without question or deviation, whenever some smart-alec reporter brings up the subject of rape and pregnancy. They desperately need an alternative to what they're doing right now -- mostly because telling the truth is getting them killed."
Read the Rest Here
I realize I posted something from these guys last week (or one guy really, Tommy Walter, formerly of the Eels). But I truly have loved this band for years and want as many people to hear them as possible.
The new Abandoned Pools album is available beginning today. Do yourself a favor and pick it up.
From Sublime Currency, this is Unrehearsed.
Monday, August 27, 2012
"Put yourself in a father's position. Yes, it is similar."
-- Republican Senate candidate Tom Smith of Pennsylvania
So, what's he comparing? Having a child out of wedlock with having a child produced by rape. Really.
See, Smith was speaking to the Pennsylvania Press Club and said that while he disagrees with Todd Akin's recent comment about "legitimate rape" and the fact that a woman's body can shut down pregnancy in instances of rape -- the latter being especially amusing seeing how there's nothing to agree or disagree with since it's science -- he still doesn't believe that abortion should be legal in cases of rape or incest. When a reporter then asked him how he'd personally respond to a daughter or granddaughter having to carry a child created by rape to term, Smith said he'd already gone through something similar within his own family and that the person in question made the right decision by "choosing life." When pressed, Smith explained in detail: His daughter had gotten pregnant even though she wasn't married. To Smith, that's very close to having his daughter be raped.
You don't have to put yourself in a father's position to understand the comparison.
You have to put yourself in the position of a sociopath with Down Syndrome.
I wonder how Tom Smith's daughter feels about her child's grandfather implying that he or she may as well have been the product of rape. And I'll bet Smith's daughter would absolutely know the difference between her specific pregnancy and one caused by rape -- just a hunch.
If you've read this site for any length of time over the past several months, or listened to the podcast for that matter, you know that an ongoing frustration for me has been trying to put into words just what the hell makes Mitt Romney so weird. Other than referencing the Uncanny Valley, which Romney falls squarely into, there's just no way to truly sum up his various oddities, tics, awkward linguistic bloopers and so on, all of which seem to stem from his complete lack of empathy and inability to function like a normal human being.
Alex Pareene over at Salon once summed it up pretty well, and for that he deserves kudos:
"He seems incapable of natural conversation and frequently uncomfortable in his own skin. He’s simultaneously dorkily earnest and ingratiatingly insincere. He suggests a brilliantly designed politician android with an operating system still clearly in beta. He once tied a dog to the roof of his car and drove for hundreds of miles without stopping and some years later thought that was an endearing story. All video of him attempting to interact with normal humans is cringe-inducing, as a cursory YouTube search quickly demonstrates. (Martin Luther King Day, Jacksonville, Fla., 2008: Mitt poses for a picture with some cheerful young parade attendees. As he squeezes in to the otherwise all-black group, he says, apropros of nothing, 'Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof!') He seems to have been told that 'small talk' is mostly made up of cheerfully delivered non sequiturs... If Nixon was epically, operatically weird — the sort of president the nation that produced Charles Manson should expect, let’s say — Romney is uninterestingly weird. First reel of 'Blue Velvet' weird, without a hint of that subterranean layer of rot and perversion underlying the whole thing. Upon returning to his childhood home in Michigan for a 2012 campaign event, Romney noted that the trees were 'the right height.'"
Well, again to the site's credit, Salon has now put together what it calls the Mitt Romney Master Gaffe List -- and scanning through it may not help you to understand why Romney's such a weirdo, but it definitely proves that he is one.
Salon: Mitt's Master Gaffe List/8.27.12
Sunday, August 26, 2012
"This is going to be a close election, but long-term, conservative principles, if they're to be successful and implemented, there has to be a concerted effort to reach out to a much broader audience than we do today."
-- Jeb Bush on Meet the Press this morning
I've never been an over-the-moon fan of Jeb Bush, but as I've said many times, with things being what they are I'm always willing to give credit to any current Republican willing to recognize, even quietly, just how insanely xenophobic the party has allowed itself to become. I'm not playing politics by saying that the GOP is now strictly and proudly the party of Christian white men -- I'm merely acknowledging reality.
I mentioned it on the podcast this week, and on these pages once or twice, but it bares repeating because I hope it puts my opinions on the current Republicans into perspective: I didn't lose my faith in the GOP before it completely lost its mind. I grew up if not always agreeing with the conservative mindset at least respecting it. Yes, guys like Republican icon William F. Buckley were pompous bores, but they were at least smart; they prided themselves on their intellects and knew that by ceding the Republican party to the lowest common denominator and allowing conspiracist psychopaths like the Birchers to gain a foothold in America's supposedly respectable political discourse, not only would the party suffer, so would the country. You could not only talk to guys like Buckley, you could debate them and have serious, important conversations about the best direction for the country without having it degenerate into shouts of "USA! USA!" and the threat of being slapped across the face with a pair of truck balls. I miss Republicans who held power within the party who weren't either staunch and embarrassing anti-intellectuals or who weren't willing to pander to the anti-intellectual crowd because they were that desperate to shore up the idiot vote.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
As most of you have probably already noticed, whenever you visit DXM right now you get a pop-up that asks for a password. Obviously, you don't need to actually have a password to view this site and clicking off the box just makes it go away without a hitch.
As for what this is, well, chances are I was hacked. I'm having an IT guy take a look at it and should soon have the situation resolved. Until then, thanks everybody for just rolling with the minor annoyance.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense.
Update: The problem's been fixed. Turns out, since the original piece on Hurricane Andrew was posted years ago one of the pictures in it was hotlinked -- and that hotlink set up a prompt on this page. Thanks to Alert Reader Ethan Pearson-Pomerantz for pointing me in the right direction.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Today's piece for the Daily Banter takes a look at Mitt Romney's decision to go full birther -- and CNN correspondent Jim Acosta's decision to publicly blow him for it.
Here's the opening shot:
"A little inside baseball here: Cranking out four pieces a week for this site isn’t easy. Writing takes enough time as it is, but it’s coming up with a topic almost every weekday that really makes me crazy. Especially on Fridays — Fridays are the worst because I’m typically burned out by the end of the week. This is why I’m thanking the blogging gods for CNN’s Jim Acosta right now. He did me a very thoughtful solid by dropping a giant-ass topic right into my lap when I needed it most. And all he had to do was make an unbelievably fucking stupid comment about Mitt Romney’s unbelievably fucking stupid comment..."
Read the Rest Here
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This week: Fat Stoned Elvis Was Strung Out; The Elvis ‘Hamburger James’ Story; Kelsey Grammer Is A Whiny Diaper Baby; Hugh Laurie and House; Our Fall Movie Preview; Liam Neeson; The Hobbit; Daniel Day-Lewis; The Bourne Legacy; Restaurant Impossible and Gordon Ramsay; The Creepy Singing Robot; Kids Crying Over the Ending of ‘The Odd Life of Timothy Green’; and much more.
It's time once again to open the Daily Banter mailbag -- where Bob, Ben and I answer all your serious questions with a lot of bullshit.
This week: Will the Republicans continue moving to the right? Will a third-party candidate save us? Who would win in a Fight Club-style brawl between me and Bob.
The Answers are Here
"No one's ever asked to see my birth certificate. They know that this is the place that we were born and raised."
-- Mitt Romney, speaking at a rally in Michigan today
And there you have it.
I can't say this in strong enough terms: Thank you, Mitt.
Every single one comes from Bill Maher's flat-out brilliant piece currently running in the top blogger position on the front page of the Huffington Post:
"When I say religion is a mental illness, this is what I mean: it corrodes your mental faculties to the point where you can believe in tiny ninja warriors who hide in vaginas and lie in wait for bad people's sperm."
"Paul Ryan, who every shit-for-brains pundit in America keeps telling us is a 'serious' guy, still believes in the supply-side theory. All the Republicans do. They all believe in something that both science and history have shown to be pure fantasy. The symbol for their party shouldn't be an elephant -- it should be a unicorn... This is how low we've put the bar for political courage -- that you can just write, "I want a pony" in a binder and call it the "Plan For Restoring Vision For the Future of America's Greatness" or some shit, and then everyone has to refer to you as the serious one in Congress."
"How do they get away with it? They know that, because we're already such a religious country, our minds are primed for magical, fantasy thinking. The gullibility comes factory-installed...The grown-up answer is: identify problems scientifically, prioritize and solve. The Republican answer is: there isn't a problem. And anyone who tells you different is a liar who hates America. We don't have to make hard choices. We just have to ignore the science and the math -- that's why God gave us values."
"If rape babies throw a monkey wrench into the whole right-to-life pitch, just make believe rape babies don't exist. If you want to cut down on teen pregnancy, just tell curious kids with raging hormones to practice abstinence. Until they get married. Because everyone knows, that's when the fucking never stops. Health care? Not a problem if you just keep repeating, "We have the greatest health care in the world." Even though the U.N. ranks it 37th."
"Next week in Tampa the Republicans must admit that the difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality."
I've been talking about this kind of thing for a while -- the fact that a willingness to believe in ridiculous superstition when it comes to the creation of the universe and who its ongoing landlord supposedly is primes you to believe just about anything without proof, to just take it all on faith. This is why most religion is dangerous. It enables and rewards non-thinking on all sorts of issues.
20 years ago this morning, a good portion of South Florida was in ruins. That's because overnight 20 years ago, on this day, Hurricane Andrew cut an almost incomprehensible path of destruction across the suburbs of my hometown of Miami. It killed 65 people and became the costliest natural disaster in U.S. history (a title it held until Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast in 2005). It remains one of only a handful of Category 5 storms to make landfall in the Atlantic Basin. At the time, I was an associate producer at WSVN in Miami. I was 22 years old and had only been in television news for six months. Andrew was my first big story. What follows is a lengthy piece, but it's one that generates an overwhelming amount of positive reaction from readers each time I republish it on the anniversary of Andrew. This time is special, though. This day marks two decades.
"There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm."
-- Willa Cather
Part 1: The Gathering Storm
The first order of business was to find some appropriate music.
This sort of task is harder than you might think. I mean, really, what qualifies as a fitting soundtrack to impending catastrophe? It has to be menacing and ominous, yet atmospheric -- creating an almost nouvelle vague-ish feeling of resigned serenity. It has to say, "In less than 24 hours, your entire hometown will be wiped off the face of the Earth by the wrath of God, and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it."
I settled on Ministry's So What and Scarecrow -- on repeat.
It was actually a rather fitting choice, given that I was still nursing a brutal hangover from the previous day's Lollapalooza festival -- the one which featured the spectacular lineup of Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers and, yes, Ministry. A full day's worth of drinking compounded by the sweltering and oppressive August heat should've been enough to lay me out flat for the next day or so, but what I'd found waiting for me on my answering machine when I got home at around midnight let me know in short order that I'd be afforded no such luxury.
My assistant news director had left seven messages -- all slight variations on the where-the-hell-are-you theme.
When I picked up the phone and called him back, sitting down in an effort to steady the room, it sounded as if I had just been connected to the information kiosk in the center of Grand Central Station.
"What the fuck is going on there, Mike?"
"Jesus, Chez, haven't you turned on the TV lately?"
"No, I've been at Lollapalooza all day. I told you that's where I'd be when I left work on Friday." I pried myself up from the couch and shuffled across the hardwood floor of my living room, careful not to fall over face-first. "See, this is why I need a pager."
"You have to get in here now. Everybody has to come in," he said over the confusing din in the background. I could practically hear his face turning purple.
I hit the button on the TV and the picture coalesced into sharp focus just as the word "why?" came out of my mouth.
Before Mike could even answer -- "Forget it. I see why," I said, stunned into a near whisper.
I took a step back in an effort to truly grasp the magnitude of the image before me, the one which seemed as if it had the potential to burst free of the two-dimensional confines of my television screen and begin drawing all fragile reality into its vortex.
It was a storm -- an infrared image, all furious reds and oranges, of a massive hurricane sitting directly off our coast. It looked like a buzzsaw, threatening to cut Florida in half. This was Andrew.
"I thought it was supposed to miss us," I said.
"It was," Mike said. "Not anymore."
"What happened?" When I left work on Friday evening, the storm had barely reached hurricane strength again after being sheared into pieces by a blast of vertical winds.
"It turned earlier today, and gained strength. It's now a Cat-5," he said, then -- "It'll be directly on top of us in less than 36 hours."
There wasn't a force in the universe steady enough to keep my reality from shifting on its axis. Still, I instinctively started pacing the floor, trying to knead the remaining fog out of the front of my head with my free hand.
"Alright, listen -- I need at least a few hours of sleep, Mike. I've been out drinking all day, for God's sake. I'll be in as soon as I can."
"Okay, just make it ASAP, please -- and whatever you need to pack up or secure at home, do it before you leave. Once you're here, you're not going back out to the beach until this thing's done with us."
Mike Dreaden was aware that I had moved into my own place on South Beach within the past month; it was my first time living alone.
Great fucking timing.
"Yeah, right, if there's a beach left," I said, then dropped the phone into the cradle and my weight back onto the couch with a dull thump, letting everything swirl into its own pinpoint vortex until all that was left was comforting black.
By the next morning, I had moved the few valuables I owned into a tight space at the top of the closet, packed an overnight bag, then took one last, sad look around the new apartment that I fully expected to never see again and headed off to work. I had little doubt that by the time I emerged from the nearly windowless, concrete enclosure of the WSVN studios the following day, South Florida -- whatever was left of it -- would be a very different place.
As I put the car in drive, the Ministry, for all of its portentous rage, was actually somewhat reassuring.
It was just a little after sunrise when I threw the 1988 Porsche 944 Turbo I had recently bought to reward myself for no longer working at Taco Bell into high gear, only to come around a corner and suddenly face a column of cars at a dead stop, resting bumper to bumper along what seemed to be the entire length of the MacArthur Causeway leading off the beach to the mainland. I had already done my best to avoid allowing myself to be distracted by the unnerving sight of people running from their apartments along the surface streets of South Beach -- their arms loaded with belongings -- ready to jump into waiting cars that would take them somewhere. Anywhere but here. This sight, however -- the sight of so many people desperate to get out of the path of the oncoming storm, opened a painful pit in the bottom of my stomach.
I took a deep breath and whipped the car around, downshifting and slamming the gas pedal to the floor, deciding not to actually leave the beach but instead to travel north along the ocean until I reached the bridge that would take me to North Bay Village, a quiet little island right across the bay from Miami proper and the home of WSVN. I sped along Collins Avenue, weaving through traffic and silently thanking Al Jourgensen for being born.
One of the most surreal and ironically foreboding features of an oncoming hurricane is the near-perfect weather that it creates before it strikes. The pressure of the storm's powerful revolution seems to pull all surrounding clouds in toward its center, making for crystal blue skies in the hours leading up to its arrival -- the literal calm before the storm. With the exception of a very light breeze, you'd never suspect that a monster storm, packing 160 mile-an-hour winds, was about to descend on you.
This is what it was like on the morning of August 23rd, 1992. It appeared to be the beginning of a hot, but otherwise gorgeous day.
It was only the palpable unease in the air and the oddly silent march to higher ground that betrayed the fact that something terrible was about to happen.
When I got to the station, I pulled my car into the most protected area of the parking lot I could find, in the crux of the large, L-shaped three-story concrete building.
Once inside, I was quickly put to work pulling booth duty, backing-up a rotating roster of producers, each of whom did a four-hour control room shift directing our non-stop coverage. We had every crew possible in the field and the chopper in the air over the parking lot that the causeways and I-95 had turned into. I've come to believe that if you're not out doing live shots, the control room is the only place for a producer to be during rolling coverage. Anything else is a waste of his or her talents. I learned this that day at WSVN and would eventually put it into practice in every other shop at which I wound up working. My record is 14 straight hours in the control room and during breaking news I wouldn't want it any other way.
On the day before Andrew came ashore, I willingly spent seven hours in the control room alongside the producers and directors, and in doing so earned the respect of my co-workers and managers. I had only been moved to the dayside shift -- the land of the living, as opposed to graveyard duty -- two months previously, and in a matter of a half-day, I was positioning myself to vault quickly up the ranks.
I had run to the bathroom and was on my way back to the booth when I heard someone call my name; I turned to see the familiar face of Chris Crane, the station's in-house music composer.
"I need a ride to my apartment," he said. "I gotta get my cat. Can you give me a lift?"
"I'm pulling booth duty, man."
"Yeah, I know. I talked to Dreaden, he'll take over for a few minutes."
I'd been to Chris's apartment before; he lived on one of the upper-floors of a gorgeous high-rise building right on the island -- not far from the station. I checked my watch; it was just after five. I hadn't been outside since my arrival early this morning and was curious to see for myself if conditions had noticeably deteriorated, plus I didn't want to be in any way responsible for the death of a cat, so I nodded and we headed for the door.
"Ministry -- fucking perfect," he said as I cranked the engine and the Porsche's speakers came to life.
It was there, in Chris's apartment high above the bay, that the true gravity of what was about to happen -- what was about to hit us -- became overwhelmingly clear.
As Chris called out for his cat, I walked slowly across the living room to the sliding glass doors that led to the balcony outside. Without thinking, seemingly hypnotized, I slid the door open and stepped out onto the balcony; I needed not only to see but to feel the ominous scene that was presented to us from this high up. The edge of the Earth was dark. It looked as if God himself had reached down and pummeled it with his fist -- making the horizon bruised and swollen. The wind had picked up, and as I closed my eyes and felt it wash over me, I realized that the only sound I could hear was the breeze itself.
I opened my eyes and looked down at the streets below.
There wasn't a car in sight.
The island was a ghost town.
And there, at the vanishing point, on a collision course with us, was a storm the likes of which almost no one in South Florida had ever seen.
I walked quickly back inside and slid the door closed. There in the darkened living room was Chris.
"You find your cat?"
"Good, grab her and let's go. We need to get out of here -- now."
When I was nine-years-old, Hurricane David dealt a glancing blow to Miami. I remember my parents boarded up the entire house so that it was pitch black inside except for the few battery-powered lights we chose to keep running. I listened to the storm batter and beat the outside of our home for hours and hours; heard the boards nailed across the windows creak; listened to the storm try to get inside wherever it could. At the time, I drew comparisons in my child's mind to the scene in Close Encounters where the aliens surround Gillian Guiler's house in rural Indiana, submerging it in light and sound in an effort to get to little Barry. I imagined that Hurricane David was trying to do the same thing -- testing every possible entrance in an effort to take me and my family away.
This was at the forefront of my mind as Chris and I slammed the car doors shut and ran back inside the safety of the station just as the first of the heavy, low clouds began to pass over our heads.
As the glass doors of the lobby closed behind us, a steel shutter fell down behind it, locking into place.
Now, just like during David, I was inside a building which had ostensibly been sealed shut.
I got back into the newsroom just in time to overhear Mike Dreaden and the executive producers quietly lamenting over a recent and unfortunate turn of events. WSVN had within the last couple of months fired its long-time meteorologist Bob Soper and had yet to find a replacement of his caliber. It basically meant that for the biggest storm in anyone's memory, our weather department was being manned by a bunch of relative novices -- pretty faces who were at the very least untested in the South Florida market, and therefore would probably be deemed untrustworthy by audiences when it really counted, like, oh say, now.
We needed meteorologists; we had Jillian Warry, who would eventually go on to become Jillian Barberie, FOX's full-time, half-naked, mildly irritating but overall very nice weather vixen.
This was my first experience attempting to work my way around a truly stupid and short-sighted management decision.
It damn sure wouldn't be the last.
After getting a slice of pizza -- because the one thing that can always be said about a newsroom during a crisis is that at least there's free food -- I dodged the chaotic foot traffic in the newsroom and made my way over to the incoming feed area where Abby was sitting down, watching video come in from the trucks in the field. She was wearing her usual ensemble -- a t-shirt and a pair of jeans -- and her auburn hair was tied up in a pony-tail that bounced every time she barked orders through the microphone to our crews. She was as adorable at that moment as she had been a couple of weeks previously, when a few too many drinks at the bar across the street had led to a dangerous level of flirting and teasing between the two of us.
I liked Abby and as far as I was concerned I could stand a friendly face.
"Don't you dare get near me unless you have an extra slice of pizza," she said without taking her focus away from the monitors in front of her.
"You want one? I can get you one."
"Fuck it." She turned to face me, seemingly annoyed at the distraction -- or maybe that she didn't have time to be distracted. "Just give me a bite of yours."
"Always." I smiled, holding the slice to her mouth.
"Don't start with me right now. In case you can't tell, some of us actually work around here as opposed to just kissing ass."
"I'm hoping to sleep my way to the middle. Busy later?"
She took a bite, dripping cheese on her chin which she quickly grabbed with her fingers and shoveled into her mouth.
"My God I love you," I deadpanned.
As the sun went down, the wind picked up and the approaching storm intensified, the pressure dropping considerably. Andrew had become so tightly packed that it now resembled a giant tornado more than a hurricane. This was not going to be pretty, and deep down we were all scared beyond words. All day and afternoon, members of our staff had been running to and from their homes, trying desperately to secure what they could -- trying to get their families to safety. Many brought their husbands and wives -- their sons and daughters -- back to the station, as it seemed like the safest place possible given the circumstances.
In truth, this would have been the case were it not for one obvious consideration -- the one that was about to plunge what had already been a hectic and scary night into utterly terrifying confusion.
We were keeping one door open and that was the back door that led from the newsroom out onto the helipad, and beyond that, the bay. After another hour or so in the control room, I once again felt like I needed to see what was happening for myself. Our crews were reporting intermittent bands of strong winds and light rain -- the outer rings of the storm -- so I ran downstairs from the booth and pushed open the unlocked back door. Outside I found some of our ENG guys gathering sandbags which they were preparing to put in place around what was obviously a weak spot in our defenses, namely the door I'd just come through. The wind was howling now, pushing a mist of salty bay water up over the seawall some fifty yards or so away from us.
Without taking my eyes away from the sight of the now black and roiling bay, I asked the obvious.
"Guys, what's the storm surge supposed to be with this thing?"
"12 to 18 feet," one of them answered.
I remember closing my eyes as I asked the even more obvious follow-up.
"And how high off the bay are we?"
"Not high enough."
As if timed for maximum dramatic effect, it was then that I noticed the red and blue lights casting long, deep shadows from the side of the building and heard the shouts from inside the newsroom.
The police had arrived.
They were forcing everyone out.
"This is a mandatory evacuation!" I heard, from a voice I didn't recognize.
The entire newsroom was in a state of pandemonium. Mike Dreaden and the other managers were trying to explain to the police that we had to continue broadcasting; the police weren't impressed, concerning themselves instead with only one unassailable truth: We were sitting on an island that was likely going to be completely underwater in a few hours. The dilemma for those of us who were currently holding the fort however was equally alarming: Andrew was now right offshore and we were being told to take to the streets and forage for sufficient shelter.
"Mike, what the hell are we doing?" I shouted over the insanity.
He looked around, as if willing himself to come up with a solution that didn't involve everyone being killed. "I have no idea," he huffed, then -- "We'll pack up the remaining trucks and go north to the transmitter. It's in Broward, we can broadcast from there. You can go with us -- or you can go inland and look for a safe place to spend the night."
Neither option was particularly appealing.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Abby. As I might've expected, she looked like she was about to try punching one of the cops in the face, which admittedly would've at least landed her in a nice, safe jail cell on the mainland. I ran over to break up what was already turning into what the hippies used to call a "very bad scene."
"Abby, Abby -- knock it off." I put my hand on her shoulder and spun her toward me.
"Where are we supposed to go?" Up close, I realized that she looked less angry than she did genuinely in shock, like a frightened child.
"I don't know. Where do you live?"
"With my mother." I almost forgot that Abby had only turned 21 a few weeks ago. "Up on North Beach."
"Alright, that's not gonna work. We have to go inland. Come on."
And with that, I did something ridiculously impetuous -- or wonderfully noble -- or maybe I was just improvising. I grabbed Abby's purse, latched onto her hand, and we pushed our way through the crush of people moving toward the door and the police who were edging them out. When we got outside into light rain which was now being whipped along by heavy winds, we ran for the car.
I was fishtailing out onto the empty causeway in a matter of seconds, heading as far away from the water as I could get.
Aside from a police cruiser here and there, there wasn't a soul to be found anywhere on the roads. There were only the bands of wind and rain -- followed by the eerie lulls in between, when it felt as if all the oxygen had been sucked out of the atmosphere and replaced by the oppressive silence of absolute absence. The effect was simply chilling.
The Porsche screamed along US-1, the needle pushing 85.
I had no idea what our destination was, but I knew that I obviously had to stop at some point; the worst thing imaginable would be getting caught in the full brunt of the storm while sitting in a car. At one point, we passed the National Hurricane Center and I gave serious consideration to just pulling into the parking lot and banging on their door.
Hey guys, wanna REALLY help some folks out tonight?
But it wasn't long after we'd passed the NHC building that we came upon a small hotel, the lights of which were still inexplicably on. It was a two-story job with outdoor entrances to the rooms; not exactly the underground bunker I'd hoped for, but it would have to do. I pulled the emergency brake and swung the car around, then threw it into first and headed back toward what was at the very least a concrete structure.
I've been thankful for many things in my lifetime: My family's seemingly bottomless reservoir of good will and humor, the ability to survive a brain tumor, the fact that sharks can't breathe air -- but never have I been more thankful than when I realized that not only was the little guy at the Gables Inn sitting behind his desk and willing to open the door for us, but that at a few minutes past midnight on August 24th, 1992 -- the day Hurricane Andrew hit South Florida -- he had one room available.
There was chaos, absolute and infinite -- the terrifying sound of the world being torn apart. It was undeniably beautiful. Intensely sensuous. Abby and I listened to the fury of the wind and the scream of the roof being stripped away. We barely spoke, content to feel each other's husky, labored breathing. Exploding transformers right outside the window hammered the room with staccato blasts of blue and white light that sliced through the blackness and turned our shadows into living art against the wall. A final crack, and a sliver of the ceiling gave way, letting in warm drops of rain to mix with the sweat. Trees were ripped from the ground and slammed into the wall outside, their branches scraping violently against the pulsating window like fingernails across bare skin. It was nature in its simplest, rawest form -- monstrous and powerful and exquisite and pure.
I gently slid Abby down onto the floor between the bed and the wall and pulled the mattress up overtop of her, to keep her safe from any possible debris.
And then I walked hesitantly to the door, because like the child in Close Encounters, I had to see for myself what it looked like -- the monster scratching at the other side. The wind was blowing from the east, while the door to the room faced west; it was theoretically safe to open.
I placed my hand on the doorknob, twisted it gently and pushed.
What I saw when I looked into the storm was beyond description. My reaction, beyond awe. I've never seen such power.
I was in the center of the maelstrom.
I have no idea how long I stood there, but eventually I closed the door and crawled under the mattress with Abby, who was already asleep. I pulled her tightly against me, then closed my eyes and let everything go dark and silent.
Part 2: The Other Side
There was nothing, and that nothing was something -- its own imposing physical presence.
Although I was sure my eyes were open, there was no light; although I believed myself to be awake, there was no sound.
It wasn't until I felt Abby's soft hair in my face that I was sure we still existed at all. I exhaled and twisted my neck slightly, then reached a free arm up from around the young girl pressed against me and pushed hard on the mattress above us, sliding it out of the way. Suddenly, I could see -- the world going from black to shades of muted gray.
"Abby, wake up," I whispered.
She groaned and rolled over onto her back in the tiny shelter we had created between the bed's heavy box spring and the wall of the hotel room. My body ached as I pulled myself up and awkwardly half-crawled out into the space of the room. As reality began to come into a difficult focus, I heard the sound of dripping -- looked up and saw timid light coming through a hole in the ceiling, water traversing its jagged edges and falling to the soaked carpet below.
I rubbed the haze out of my eyes. When I looked toward the window, I noticed that it was practically opaque -- covered almost completely by the branches of a tree that had fallen and now rested against it. Astonishingly though, the window wasn't even cracked. How it held together I'll never know, but I'll always be grateful that it did.
I slid into my jeans then moved over to the door and pushed it open, bathing the room in soft, white light. I immediately noticed the strong breeze and heard it moving through tree branches that I couldn't see, pushing leaves and debris along the ground. I stepped out onto the landing and allowed myself a first tentative look around. From my vantage point, facing west, perpendicular to US-1, there was little to see, unless you took into account the miracle of the Gables Inn's ability to have somehow just withstood a Category 5 hurricane without completely evaporating. I saw one or two people -- seemingly shell-shocked -- wandering the parking area directly beneath our second-floor room. I leaned forward and peered over the railing with a lump in my throat, fearing the absolute worst, only to find that aside from being plastered with wayward palm fronds, the Porsche seemed to have survived Andrew unscathed.
I jumped slightly when I felt something brush against me from behind, then closed my eyes and leaned back into the warmth of Abby, who at that moment felt even softer than I remembered. She'd wrapped herself in a blanket, and was now resting her head against my back.
"How bad is it?" I heard her voice and felt her breath on my shoulder.
"I honestly don't know. We should get out of here and find out -- get to the station, if we can."
I turned around, held her tightly for a moment -- then kissed her gently and went back inside to get dressed and get my car keys.
It was bad.
It was very bad.
Abby and I drove in silence, slowly and carefully maneuvering the car around the heavy debris that littered the highway -- everything from street lights and powerlines to trees, billboards and even the massive air-conditioning units from the tops of the high buildings nearby; all were strewn across US-1 and had now turned it into a frightening obstacle course. Every so often, the oppressive stillness inside the car would be broken by the sound of Abby's quiet sobs.
Entire buildings were flattened. Once lush trees were made barren skeletons, standing as sentinels over a wasteland, if they still stood at all. Everywhere, windows had been shattered, turning the structures they once adorned and protected into seemingly atrophied frameworks -- empty and bare. The roofs of homes had been shorn away wholesale and now rested in various spots along the highway so that it would've actually been possible to make a macabre game out of matching the house to its missing canopy.
There were no stop signs. No traffic signals. No electricity. No nothing.
And everywhere you turned your head, there were people trickling out from under shelter looking dazed -- concussed -- the way I always imagined a person looks immediately after being involved in a bad car accident. It's the face of someone who's gone into shock and is seconds away from collapsing -- someone who's already dead, he or she just doesn't know it yet.
We had been warned what a storm like this could do.
Our most dire predictions and worst fears weren't even close.
Abby and I were completely cut off from everyone. We couldn't reach our families, nor could we get in contact with our co-workers. The police had already set up blockades and detours aimed at keeping traffic flowing in certain areas -- safely out of others. With the radio now on and tuned to one of the few stations still broadcasting continuously, we decided to head north, toward Abby's family's condo; it was near water, but from what we were hearing, the storm had veered south at the last minute to come ashore in South Miami-Dade County. Places like Cutler Ridge, Homestead and Saga Bay had all taken direct hits and were now eerie dead zones; there was no information coming out of them. For all we knew at that moment, they simply didn't exist anymore.
The irony of course, which wasn't lost on either of us, was that by heading south on US-1 and ending up in Coral Gables the previous night, without meaning to, we had traveled into the storm as opposed to away from it.
"Next time, I'll let you drive," I said, upon learning of this little revelation.
The farther we got away from the southern end of the county, the more things seemed to return to normal. Power was still out almost everywhere, though, and when we finally arrived at Abby's mother's condo, we were forced to grab an emergency flashlight and navigate a dark and damp stairway -- with only the sound of dripping water echoing across concrete -- to get to the upper floors. We eventually made our way down a hallway illuminated by the sad glow of emergency lights, located the right door and dug Abby's keys out of her purse. Once inside, the gun-metal gray sky beyond the condo's floor-to-ceiling windows provided at least a workable amount of light.
Abby called out to her mother. I slipped into the darkened kitchen, found the faucet and splashed cool water on my face.
After a moment, Abby appeared as a silhouette in the doorway leading to the dining room.
"She's not here."
"She leave a note or anything?" I asked as I used the bottom of my t-shirt to dry my face.
"No, she probably went to my aunt's place up in Boca. That would've made the most sense. She'd figure I was okay."
"That'd be her first mistake," I said through a tired smile.
I heard a chuckle come from the silhouette.
"Wanna try using the phone, see if it works -- see who's out there?" I asked, after a moment of deafening silence.
Amazingly, the phone actually did work, the problem of course was that a lot of the ones we were dialing didn't. The station, as far as we could tell, was still out of commission and Abby and I quietly admitted to each other the grim feeling of calling a television station in a major American city and getting a recording.
With no other legitimate options, and certainly nothing better to do, we turned on a battery-powered radio and laid down on the couch.
We fell asleep listening to stories of the end of the world.
Part 3: Among the Living
I came around the corner at a quick jog, only to be stopped in my tracks by a heavy black bag which hit me square in the chest. I fumbled for a second, caught it, then looked up to see where it came from. Standing in front of me was Mary Alvarez, our senior executive producer.
"Congratulations, you're going to South Dade. Be on the helipad in ten minutes."
She may as well have just spoken to me in Inuit.
"I'm going where?" I said, chasing after her as she turned and began taking long strides back to the newsdesk.
"Cutler Ridge. You'll be field producing for Sally," the back of her head said.
I suddenly debated telling her that, having never actually gone to journalism school, I had absolutely no idea what the hell a field producer did and therefore her choice of me for this particular assignment was a recipe for disaster. I thought the better of it in short order, choosing instead to bullshit around my complete ignorance.
"Uh, okay," I stammered. "Any particulars you're looking for while I'm down there?"
When in doubt, pretend to know things in the abstract while bolstering the ego of management by deferring to it and asserting that only someone of a higher pay grade can be brilliant enough to understand the specifics of anything.
"Find stories. Keep her in check. The first assignment should be a breeze -- God help you with the second."
"Look, Mary--" The cracks were quickly starting to show.
She spun around and looked me right in the eye.
The morning after Abby and I made our exodus from the Gables Inn and our treacherous journey across Miami-Dade county, we were back at the station, which had just officially reopened for business. Right before dawn, we had left the condo -- where the power was still off -- and headed south along I-95, then east toward North Bay Village. We showed our WSVN IDs and had been allowed to pass a police barricade to get across the causeway to the island. Overall, North Bay Village wasn't badly damaged: a few traffic lights down, no power aside from backup generators, debris in the streets, but that was about it.
We hadn't been at work long -- dealing with the trauma of getting the station up and running again -- before Mike Dreaden noticed the two of us standing close together, whispering to each other, calm amid the madness. He lumbered over and asked where we'd each managed to find safety during the storm. Abby and I just laughed a little and separated without saying a word.
Now, the two of us were face to face again.
I had just come back from grabbing my overnight bag out of the car and had both that and the bag Mary threw at me earlier -- the one full of extra equipment for Sally -- slung over my shoulders. I looked like a pack mule.
"You know, I'm trying to stay professional about this whole thing," I said quietly, resisting the urge to run my fingers along Abby's arm.
"Yeah, I know. Do you have any idea how long you'll be gone?"
"None. A few days at least I'm sure. Who knows."
There was silence in the tiny space we occupied together at the center of the newsroom, contrasted by the roar of activity all around us. I checked my watch -- time to go. I glanced up at her and was just opening my mouth to say goodbye when she cut me off.
"Oh fuck it," she said, and leaned in and pressed her mouth hard against mine. "Take care of yourself."
So much for discreet.
A couple of minutes later, I was ducking below the rotor of the chopper, shielding my eyes against the whirlwind it kicked up. I threw both bags onto the seat in the back, then climbed in and slammed the door shut behind me. After patting the pilot on the shoulder and strapping in, I reached into my overnight bag and pulled out my CD Walkman, plugging the headphones into my ears.
As we lifted off, and the ground receded beneath us, Neil Young began to speak to me -- singing that our only hope was to keep on rockin' in the free world.
From the air, the scope of the destruction became clear. The amount of damage was staggering -- overwhelming.
As the chopper headed south, low along the coast, skeletal high-rises slid past us, their windows blown out. Below us, houses were in pieces and trees blocked the streets and highways. Cars were overturned and scattered like children's toys.
When we reached the Dinner Key Marina in Coconut Grove, the images were almost beyond belief. Every boat, every yacht and sailboat along the docks, was smashed and sunk in the shallow water. Boats were piled on top of each other in a gruesome parody of dry dock; splinters of what were once expensive vessels scattered everywhere. As we turned inland to bee-line toward our final destination deep within South Dade, I pulled down my sunglasses and leaned into the window -- awe-struck by what I was seeing.
There, on dry ground, laying against a line of trees at least a half-mile from the edge of the bay, was a ship. A freighter. It was hundreds of feet long. It had been picked up by the storm surge, blown inland -- and then left there when the waters receded.
As we pushed farther and farther into the heart of the dead zone created by the storm's fury, I realized that there was less and less to see -- simply because there was less and less there.
Everything was gone. Leveled. Wiped clean.
Entire communities, once thriving, had vanished as if they'd never existed. It was as if Andrew had a plan -- an actual thought process -- and it involved returning everything to zero. Years of evolution, both structural and cultural, had been obliterated. Thoroughly erased.
After what felt like an eternity, the chopper banked and began to descend. I looked down and once again felt a stab of dizziness penetrate the space directly behind my eyes. Our landing area was the Cutler Ridge Mall -- or where it had once stood anyway. Most of the mall -- formerly a giant enclosed shopping Mecca featuring stores like JC Penney and Sears -- had been flattened. What remained was nothing but rubble. Its parking lot was now a staging area for the National Guard; military green vehicles, hastily-constructed tents and troops at muster seemed to go on forever.
It cemented the impression that we were entering a war zone, which in fact we were.
The chopper set down in a barren area of the lot near what was once the north end of the mall. I ripped off my headphones, grabbed my bags and jumped out, shouting a thank you to the pilot on my way. In front of me as I once again ducked beneath the rotor was a familiar face: One of our photographers -- a guy named Brad Friedkin.
"Welcome to hell," he shouted over the roar of the chopper.
"Is it all like this?" I returned at equal volume, still shielding my face.
"This? Oh fuck no. It's much worse." He was smiling from ear to ear. "At least they have power generators and air conditioners here."
He grabbed the black supply bag from my shoulder and led me to a waiting Chevy Blazer that was already running. As I climbed into the front seat beside him, the AC did indeed feel wonderful. The heat and humidity outside was punishing; I had only been out in it for a few minutes and I could already feel sweat running down the backs of my legs.
As Brad put the truck into gear, he glanced over at me.
"Do you have any idea what you're supposed to be doing here?"
Now that I was safely miles away from a manager: "Are you kidding? I was hoping you'd know."
He pushed hard on the gas and the truck twisted out onto a side street.
"Yeah, you're gonna fit in just fine," he said, seemingly as an afterthought.
Brad gunned the truck to the intersection of US-1, our only route down deeper into the scarred heart of the devastation and a straight line to the Cutler Ridge processing center. Unfortunately, the highway was a frozen line of cars; traffic wasn't going anywhere in either direction. Before I could even ask what his plan was or suggest one of my own, Brad had pulled alongside a national guardsman and rolled down his window.
"Excuse me," he shouted, getting the attention of the weary guardsman. "Is that thing loaded?" Brad was pointing to the M16 slung over the guardsman's shoulder -- a weapon which appeared to be missing a clip.
"Not right now," he responded.
And with that, Brad swung the Blazer past the guy and sped off along the side of the highway, leaving a cloud of dirt in our wake -- by-passing the traffic completely.
The National Guard and the Office of Emergency Management had taken one of the few structures still standing in Cutler Ridge and turned it into a processing center for the victims of the storm. It was a place where anyone could come and find food and bottled water, both of which were almost impossible to come by otherwise as there was no electricity and no clean water for miles in any direction.
Day and night, the place was packed with crowds of desperate people, all clamoring for items which they likely had taken for granted up until two days ago. South Dade had been plunged into the dark ages, and after only 48 hours without the modern conveniences that had over the years unwittingly become necessities, an almost feral atmosphere was beginning to take hold. Tempers were short. A primitive rage was practically visible behind the eyes of everyone you came into contact with.
It wasn't a reality anyone recognized anymore. It was a world consumed by madness.
For the first several hours after my arrival, I herded my anchor, Sally Fitz, here and there, making sure she was in place for her live shots and keeping in constant contact with the station. Having been on the other side, in the control room, I was well aware of what the producers and directors needed from the crews in the field to keep things running smoothly and keep themselves from storming out the door and never coming the hell back. Things went according to plan for the most part, despite the constantly changing situation at the processing center and the fact that in a fit of bizarre anger, Sally had already told another of our photographers, Ralph Rayburn, to "shove it up his ass" live on the air. It was moments like those that forced me to retire to the air conditioned live truck every so often to sit quietly and contemplate a career change.
As the sun set, the darkness began to swallow the entire area whole. With no electricity for miles, a walk even a few feet outside the confines of the processing center would plunge you into impenetrable black. Once again, the world reset by the hand of God -- returned to a time before man and his innovations could lay any claims or plant any flags of progress.
But -- when you looked up, an entirely new reality was revealed. You could see forever. Past the stars. Past the galaxies. Maybe into the center of heaven itself. It was beautiful beyond dreams.
This was what I stared into that first night, before finally closing my eyes to get a couple hours of sleep. That infinite sky.
Somewhere in my dream, Abby told me that we have a problem -- and then told me again.
"We have a problem," came a different voice, one I didn't quite recognize.
I slowly pried open my eyes to find our truck operator towering over me. It was still dark outside.
I groaned, then -- "What's up?"
"The National Guard's threatening to kill Rick," he said matter-of-factly.
I just laid there for a moment.
Finally -- "Well, is there anything we can do to stop them?"
"We should probably try."
"Yeah, I guess you're right."
I pulled myself up off the Astroturf carpet that I'd been laying on and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes with the fingers of one hand -- exhaled heavily -- then trudged off to find the National Guard commander in the hopes of keeping him from killing WSVN's main anchor.
Rick Sanchez was stationed about thirty-miles or so south of us, at the second processing center -- the one in the even more heavily damaged city of Homestead. Already a somewhat divisive presence in Miami television, he was either busting his ass to get the word out about the desperate needs of those in the hurricane zone or arrogantly showboating -- taking "The Rick Show" on the road, as it were -- depending on your point of view. As it turned out, Sanchez would go on to inspire this same kind of extreme love or hatred throughout his career, even, eventually, on a national level; this crap was just the tip of the iceberg.
I finally found the commander in charge of the Guard detachment at our station.
"Sir, what's the problem?" I asked, still groggy.
He turned around and motioned to a column of semi tractor-trailers over his shoulder which he was, at that very moment, attempting to direct out of the traffic. "That's the problem," he said, frustrated. "Your man in Homestead went on the air and said they needed baby food. Guess what's in those trucks?"
Rick asks for it down there and it appears up here. Fucking lovely.
"Who sent all that?" I asked, pretending like I could somehow exert any control over the situation whatsoever.
"Who knows. One of the markets up in Broward probably. We're still trying to figure that out." He turned around and ordered a guardsman to put flares down in the road, then whipped his head back toward me. "This is the second time this has happened in 24-hours. We're gonna either pull him off the air or just shoot him -- unless you do something about this. We don't have any place to put all this crap and we don't have a way to get it all down to Homestead right now."
"So, it's basically just gonna go bad."
"Give the kid a prize," he said, stomping off.
About two minutes later, I was inside the live truck on the two-way with our newsdesk, trying to explain the situation in terms as unequivocal as possible.
"If we don't put a muzzle on Sanchez, they're gonna dispatch Martin Sheen up the river to take him out."
"Well, you know how it is with Rick," came the response from Dreaden.
They're helpless parents who can't control their problem child.
"Just do something please. They're gonna shut him down -- I'm serious."
As if on cue, there was a knock at the door of the live truck. I reached over and opened it and standing there was a guy in a sweat-soaked t-shirt and a trucker hat.
"Hey, you with the TV? We got a bunch of stuff your guy says they need down in Homestead. Where do you want it?"
It was later that day that I tied a bandana around my head to soak up the filthy sweat and set out with a photographer to find a trailer park that supposedly had been all but annihilated by Andrew. An hour or so previously, Sally Fitz had sought me out to tell me that she'd heard rumors of the tiny community and that it had yet to be photographed by any news crews. So, myself and a shooter named Eddie grabbed some equipment, climbed in the back of a pick-up that was driven by someone who said he knew of the trailer park in question and wanted everyone to understand what had happened there, and were soon on the road headed for God-knows-where.
As we rode under a sky that was nearly white with moisture, as well as the ugly gray clouds that punctuated it, we shot video of the homes and businesses that we passed. All were badly damaged, and yet many looked as if they'd been boarded up after the storm hit in an effort to protect what could still be salvaged. Everywhere, there were signs on various properties which featured menacing warnings of the harm that would come to looters, should they even consider trying to take what little of value the hurricane had spared. Given that there was almost no law to speak of in South Dade at the time, I tended to believe, say, the sign that read: LOOTERS WILL BE KILLED!
The truck veered off the highway after some time and pushed down a dirt road and through tall reeds. After several minutes of rough riding that nearly bounced the two of us out of the back on more than one occasion, we entered a clearing -- an open field surrounded by low, barren trees.
It took me a moment to realize that it wasn't a clearing at all. It had once been a trailer park.
There was nothing left of it now. Not a thing was intact. Nothing stood higher than maybe a couple of feet off the ground.
I climbed out of the truck as it stopped and took a few cautious steps forward. There was no sound at all; even the hot breeze seemed to be silent, as it swept not through dense leaves but around desolate and bare branches. I advanced slowly down what had been one of the wide streets between the homes. As I did, I looked to my left and right -- taking in the wreckage of what had once been people's lives.
There was a crib, crushed under the twisted metal of one trailer's roof. Pictures scattered everywhere. Memories. There were toys. A child's shoe. Clothes. Even a wedding dress. A bicycle with training wheels still on it was now perched in what little remained of a tree.
A thumping sound finally broke the crushing silence, the sound of helicopters. As it grew louder, I looked up to see a formation of military choppers glide directly over our heads.
A moment later, the artificial thunder created by the helicopters retreated over the horizon and it was quiet again.
Except for the strange buzz.
And that was what I noticed what had been there all along -- busying themselves above the piles of wreckage where homes once stood. Where people once lived.
We were standing several feet apart now, but I turned to Eddie and spoke in a near whisper. Sadly. Desperately. Helplessly.
"They're all dead."
He didn't answer -- just stared, slowly taking in the entire scene.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, which I hoped would help me fight back the tears.
"Yeah, there's no way they all got out," he finally answered quietly -- reverently.
Eddie glanced over at the man who'd driven us to this place. This graveyard. They both simply nodded at each other, and Eddie put his camera on his shoulder and began shooting. I moved back to get out of his shot, then happened to turn my head and look down. On the ground next to me was a picture of a middle-aged couple. They were smiling.
Three days later -- after reporting the story of the trailer park and alerting the overworked authorities to its existence; after mornings, afternoons and nights of live shot after live shot after live shot; after almost no sleep -- I caught a ride back to the makeshift landing pad at the Cutler Ridge Mall. I watched the chopper land. Boarded it. Closed my eyes as it ascended out of the war zone. Opened them only occasionally on the trip back to notice as green returned to the world below; as blue water appeared on the horizon and in time slipped gently beneath us; as the island of North Bay Village materialized ahead -- the island that everyone thought would be covered in water. I'd eventually return home and find that my apartment had also survived the storm. It had come through just fine.
As the chopper touched down on the helipad, its rotors still screaming, I once again thanked the pilot and stepped out into the whirlwind, where I'd spent a lot of time recently.
As I looked up, standing safely outside of the maelstrom was Abby.
She gave me a warm smile, and held me tightly when I reached her. Together we turned and walked toward the rear door of the station.
She held it open for me, and welcomed me back to work.