I'll admit it: I turned on the umpteenth Republican debate on CNN last night. Sat down on the couch to watch it and everything. I managed to make it all of maybe two or three minutes before actually saying out loud to myself, "Why the hell am I watching this?" then shutting it off to go do something meaningful with my time. Word has it I missed an epic barn-burner of bald-faced lies, shameless pandering and frenzied fear-mongering when it comes to the end-of-America threat posed by our socialist Kenyan, secret Muslim Manchurian ursurper president, Barack Hussein Obama, but honestly I was expecting nothing less -- which is why I shut the thing off in the first place.
Thankfully, Bill Maher watched it all the way through and put together some choice thoughts on it for the Huffington Post.
Here are just a couple:
"Isn't a highlight of every debate when Mitt Romney takes umbrage at being accused of the best thing he ever did in his life -- Romneycare? Something he should be proud of? Last night he took out his dueling glove and declared that when he was governor, he made sure there was NO requirement from the church to provide morning after pills for rape victims. They will be punished with a baby, as Jesus would want. Mitt's attitude is always, 'How dare you accuse me of helping people or being compassionate! Why, I'll have you know I'm every bit as much of a cold hearted bastard as any of these other pricks up here with me!'
'But Mitt, we have a picture of you giving money to a homeless person.'
'I did NOT give a bum money! I was paying him to blow me!'"
And this one echoes what I've been saying here quite a bit over the past week:
"People get mad at me for using the phrase 'this stupid country', which I sometimes do -- but, I'm sorry -- Satan? In 2012? This elephant is not only in the room at the debates, but everywhere on TV today where people were talking about this and not breaking down in the middle and screaming, Wait a minute -- We're modern people, surely we don't give any credence to this comic book character that was created in the bronze age!! It's barely worthy of a children's story, and people take it to the Oval Office -- Bush did -- and it affects their thinking and our lives. Why is Santorum so against contraception? Because there's a line in Genesis about not spilling your seed. A random brainfart from some desert dweller 3,000 years ago, before people knew about germs or atoms or round planets, and it gets written down and passed down and in 2012 people like Rick Santorum are still too R-word to see that, and that's why some woman in Akron, Ohio might not get birth control."
Make no mistake: Anyone who utters the word Satan in the year 2012 in a serious context not only shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the White House, he or she should be confined to a padded room somewhere and given a steady diet of Lithium and a round-the-clock rotation of psychiatric professionals.