Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Rock Is Dead


A musical. Featuring Broadway versions of Night Ranger, Journey, Starship and Def Leppard songs. Starring Catherine Zeta-Jones as the obligatory uptight, anti-rock crusader cliché and Tom Cruise method-acting his way into skin-tight leather pants to play a 70s-era rock god (for the glory of L. Ron).

Somebody please, for the love of all that's holy, stop the Glee-ification of American culture.

I would seriously rather have a screwdriver jammed into my brain through my ear, like Dennis Hopper's mad bomber did to that guard at the beginning of Speed, than sit through ten minutes of Rock of Ages.

Watch this if you dare.

21 comments:

CNNfan said...

Chez said, "Sometimes less is more." then he went on and on (and on...) and said, "I would seriously rather have a screwdriver jammed into my brain through my ear, like Dennis Hopper's mad bomber did to that guard at the beginning of Speed, than sit through ten minutes of Rock of Ages." — So if sometimes less is more then more or less Chez could've said, "I would seriously rather have a screwdriver."
Cheers Chez...Having a screwdriver sounds good to me!

Happy Alan Turing Year!

Busayo said...

And somewhere right now, the RiffTrax guys cackle and rub their hands together with giddy anticipation.

And Jesus tapdancing Christ, Paul Giamatti. What the fuck, man?

Aislinn said...

Didn't they make this movie already? I do believe that it was called 'Spinal Tap.'

NoxiousNan said...

Wow, even the trailer is going to cost me several painful, eye washings. The professionalism of all these actors (and Tom Cruise) is questionable at best. What were they thinking?

Anonymous said...

Shit. I just got a little gayer watching that.

_Rob

tabi said...

Ew. Enough already, Tom Cruise.

liquidlen said...

I could not be more relieved to find my favorite bands/songs didn't "make the cut".

Chez said...

Was anything that could qualify as a "favorite" ever in the running?

Matt Osborne said...

Wow, that's the most suck I've seen in one place since Avril Lavigne showed up.

Chez said...

Avril's nothing to be taken the least bit seriously, but I've always thought she was damn cute. I get that she's, like, half my age, but I've made myself look horrid so much over the past few days I see no reason to let one more offense hamstring me.

CNNfan said...

Hey, I just heard Katie Couric may be looking for a date to Rock of Ages... Any takers?








____________________________________________
Just joking, about this. (Hey, but I'd take her.)

Nick said...

Hmm.

So rock really is dead.

alopecia said...

AAAAAHHH! My eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!

Seriously, who greenlit this crap?

pea said...

Will not watch trailer unless someone tells me it's got Tom Cruise, shirtless, singing Pour Some Sugar On Me. Floor-writhing a bonus.

Izar Talon said...

L. Ron Hubbard Superstar!

Anonymous said...

ugh - I need a screwdriver!

L. said...

I don't get it. Is he playing a 70s-era rock god 20 years later? Typically aren't the leads in huge bands considerably younger than him?

With the long hair and the leather pants he looks just one Christ-like pose away from being the dude from Creed. Maybe the one arm in the air giving the devil horns is the Scientology equivalent. 'Xenu forever, motherfuckers!'

Anonymous said...

And when my children ask "why do people hate America?", I'll show them this trailer.

Steven D Skelton said...

...and John Bonham just puked up another triple martini.

IrishGirl said...

FTW "And when my children ask "why do people hate America?"...."

bafreeman said...

Well, this will put the gay rumors to rest, Tom...