Saturday, December 03, 2011
"I'm'ma Teach You an Expression: I Quit"
Quote of the Fucking Year:
"I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie... Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There’s a mission just for you and me. Just look inside and you will find just what you can do."
-- Herman Cain, suspending his campaign
Well, nobody can say he didn't leave us on a high note by being the first presidential candidate in history to cite Pokemon in a speech.
Prepare yourselves, America:
Meanwhile, here are some of the best comments in the wake of Herman Cain's unfortunate decision to relieve us all of his special brand of comedy gold for the foreseeable future:
"The Cain Train Has Pulled Into Failure Station"
-- Headline in Gawker
"Cain suspending campaign to resume tour with his band Sexual Chocolate"
-- Zandar (@ZandarVTS)
"Palin, Cain and Gingrich are such obvious grifters. I'm sorry but even the GOP deserves better."
-- Joan Walsh
"Cain will now dedicate his life to finding the REAL sexual harasser."
-- Dave Weigel
"Herman Cain suspends campaign to spend more time with your wife."
-- Drew Curtis
"Cain quotes Pokemon. Next candidate to drop out must quote Game of Thrones. One after that must give speech in Klingon."
-- Benjamin Freed
"This could only have been better if Muppet Michael Steele had introduced Cain"
-- Jessica (@vdazed)
"Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons"
-- Headline in the Onion
"But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me? I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)"
-- Andy Borowitz, in a piece called "A Farewell from Herman Cain"