Saturday, December 03, 2011

"I'm'ma Teach You an Expression: I Quit"

Quote of the Fucking Year:

"I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie... Life can be a challenge. Life can seem impossible. It’s never easy when there’s so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference. There’s a mission just for you and me. Just look inside and you will find just what you can do."

-- Herman Cain, suspending his campaign

Well, nobody can say he didn't leave us on a high note by being the first presidential candidate in history to cite Pokemon in a speech.

Prepare yourselves, America:

Cain/Pikachu 2016!

Meanwhile, here are some of the best comments in the wake of Herman Cain's unfortunate decision to relieve us all of his special brand of comedy gold for the foreseeable future:

"The Cain Train Has Pulled Into Failure Station"

-- Headline in Gawker

"Cain suspending campaign to resume tour with his band Sexual Chocolate"

-- Zandar (@ZandarVTS)

"Palin, Cain and Gingrich are such obvious grifters. I'm sorry but even the GOP deserves better."

-- Joan Walsh

"Cain will now dedicate his life to finding the REAL sexual harasser."

-- Dave Weigel

"Herman Cain suspends campaign to spend more time with your wife."

-- Drew Curtis

"Cain quotes Pokemon. Next candidate to drop out must quote Game of Thrones. One after that must give speech in Klingon."

-- Benjamin Freed

"This could only have been better if Muppet Michael Steele had introduced Cain"

-- Jessica (@vdazed)

"Rumors Of Extramarital Affair End Campaign Of Presidential Candidate Who Didn't Know China Has Nuclear Weapons"

-- Headline in the Onion

"But before I go, let me share with you my final thoughts on my campaign. After months of crisscrossing this great land of ours and participating in over three hundred televised debates, I am being disqualified because of an extramarital affair. And that raises the following question: are you fucking kidding me? I mean, let’s get real. I never heard of Libya. I didn’t know whether that CNN dude’s name was Wolf or Blitz. And my only training for running the #1 nation in the world was running its #8 pizza chain. Yet none of that, I repeat, none of that disqualified me. In fact, I was the front-fucking-runner, as long as I kept my 9-9-9 in my pants. (I have no idea what I meant by that — I just like saying 9-9-9.)"

-- Andy Borowitz, in a piece called "A Farewell from Herman Cain"


VOTAR said...

Borowitz for the Win.

Although I'd kill to watch one of the other dingbats bark into a microphone, "Malz! Cho Ee'CHUU!" before disappearing in a transporter beam.

That would rule.

Mike said...

I simply cannot wait until someone makes the Herman Cain/Donna Summer "Power of One" remix. It's going to be magnificent.

Farewell, Herman Cain. You are going to be missed.

kanye said...

Can't decide which one to go with:

"We don't mind, we don't mind, we don't mind; no Cain."


Heartburn, diarrhea, mouth irritation, belching, upset stomach, a bad taste in the mouth, bloating, gas, nausea and failed presidential campaigns.

All common symptoms of eating too much Ginger.

Chez said...

Actually, Dave Weigel had probably the best response of the day. All he tweeted was: "...The Aristocrats!"

jrm78 said...

Real life has been trumping satire at an alarming rate lately.

He really cited the Pokemon movie? I can't think of anyone working in comedy or satire who would have come up with that on their own.

He should have ended with a 'fuck Team Rocket'.

Matt Osborne said...

Cain quoting himself quoting Pikachu is when I cut the feed.

CNNfan said...

Well, Cain supporters... May be time swing to "the other black guy" in the race.

No prejudice intended. Borrowed this in-house joke from CNN's Don Lemon, on the air, referring to T. J. Holmes as the other black guy.

Izar Talon said...

I know it's Klingon, but what does that mean, VOTAR?

I never took the time to learn. I know, I know, I loose some of my Geek Cred for not speaking Klingon, but I'm more of a Sindarin (Elvish) kinda guy, myself.

That would be rad, and, with the quality of the Republican "candidates" (candidates for brain surgery or deportation to Qo'noS, I'm not sure which), not at all surprising. If one of them did do that, they'd hopefully whip out their bat'leth as they were saying it!

CNNfan said...

To: Izar Talon

(With: No offense to VOTAR)

Klingon Language Reference:

VO' (v) propel

targ (n) a food item

VOTAR must be Klingon for... throw up or food fight.