Monday, November 07, 2011
Send In the Clown
3... 2... 1... Bingo.
Salon: Gloria Allred Says New Woman To Accuse Herman Cain/11.7.11
Well, here it is: The moment the Cain sexual harassment saga officially reaches the level of farce. I'll give the old bitch this much, though -- she's probably the only one who could make me actually root for Herman Cain.
Congrats, Gloria -- you just did him the biggest favor imaginable.
And now, because I promised that I will resurrect this every single time Gloria Allred inserts herself into some new sex scandal involving a supposedly pervy male predator, here's the classic DXM Allred piece. (For those keeping track, the last time this ran was just five months ago, during the Anthony Weiner scandal.)
"Burn the Witch" (Originally Published, 4.15.08)
I'll make this quick.
I may spew a little venom here and there on this site, but believe it or not, there are scant few people in this world I truly despise. I'm not talking about the kind of people who annoy or mildly irritate; I'm talking about the ones whose mere existence just infuriates the shit out of me; whose lack of any discernible contribution to humanity makes me want to take a fucking hostage; whose voice alone can shatter my spine like glass.
Among this highly specialized group of horrid, worthless shitbags I'm not sure anyone is more thoroughly contemptible or patently offensive than Gloria Allred.
Cut from the same cloth as Nancy Grace, another feckless troll who treats the legal profession like her own personal litter-box-cum-slot-machine, Allred can typically be found wherever TV cameras are present. She's the alien queen of the ambulance-chasing high-profile lawyer set -- the sort of loathsome caricature that could only thrive in a place as morally bankrupt as Los Angeles. Over the course of her diabolically lengthy career, she's represented such celebs-via-circumstance as Amber Frey, Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Britney Spears's bodyguard -- all the while representing, in reality, only one person: Gloria Fucking Allred. She's inserted herself into the surreal debacle that was the Michael Jackson trial. She's manipulated an all-too-willing media into doing her bidding, which always involves beaming her gruesome, opportunistic ass into every home in America in what would seem to be a concerted effort to turn us all to stone.
What Al Sharpton is to race relations in this country, Gloria Allred is to both sexual politics and its legal system.
And now -- of course -- she's representing Rob Lowe's nanny.
This morning, Allred appeared with 24 year old Jessica Gibson on NBC's Today show to do her copyrighted "Angry Mom Whose Innocent Daughter has Just Been Victimized" routine. For those of you lucky enough to have not heard a fucking peep about this case, Rob Lowe says Gibson is a trash-talker who exploited his family's goodwill; Gibson says Lowe sexually harassed her while she was caring for his kids. Honestly, who gives a crap either way?
Gloria Allred, of course.
Her performance this morning was pure theater -- pure Gloria: She held Gibson's hand like a supportive best friend; contorted her face into a steely grimace while shrilly heaping irresponsible invective at Lowe; wouldn't let anyone else get a word in that might counter her carefully rehearsed indignation; looked like she was always one involuntary impulse away from digging into Gibson's neck to drink her sweet, young blood. The only thing missing was a fucking trapeze act.
The good news is that by allowing herself to be preyed on by this wicked witch -- by accepting the shiny red apple of a big money settlement that was no doubt offered so seductively -- Jessica Gibson has all but ensured that she'll lose in court. Sure, she'll get a lot of free press, but in the end, thanks to Allred's unholy puppetry, she'll get a few bucks from posing for Playboy and eventually be known as 2008's Darva Conger.
Yeah, I didn't think so.
Good fucking job there, Gloria.