Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Reproduction Suction

It's like Groundhog Day in my personal hell. First Gloria Allred, now this.

The Huffington Post: Duggar Family Expecting 20th Child, Makes Announcement on "Today"/11.8.11

If I were Prometheus, the Duggars appearing on Today would be the giant bird that came by to eat my liver at regular intervals. But of course, Prometheus gave man fire -- I just give you this nonsense.

Well, as with yesterday's Allred post, a promise is a promise. I swore that every time the Duggar clan announced that it was going to bring one more fundamentalist weirdo into the world -- or that it had -- I'd bring back this piece, since really nothing about it needs to be changed other than the number of the kid in question.

For the record, it's run in some form or another pretty much every year for the past three years.

"An Open Letter To the American Media" (Originally Published, 12.22.08)

Dear Media,

I'm writing today to issue a plea on behalf of the sane, reasonably well-adjusted people all across this country of ours. It's admittedly a move borne out of desperation and spawned from the mind of someone who's been pushed to the brink of madness, but I would only hope that this fact underscores the anguish being felt by the American people and therefore the seriousness of what I'm about to say.

Please, in the name of all that's decent, stop, stop, stop treating the Duggars like they're celebrities.

This morning, like clockwork, the Duggar family -- Jim Bob, Michelle, her clown car vagina, and the 18 kids whose names all inexplicably begin with the letter "J" -- made their traditional appearance on NBC's Today to show off the latest addition to their constantly expanding litter. As always, they basked in the glow of the national media spotlight, were treated to oodles of warm encomia, and took the opportunity to joyfully drop the name of the Lord every few seconds like there was some kind of Skinner Box treat in it for them.

The Today show has become something akin to the official press secretariat of the Duggars -- excitedly fawning over each birth and the fresh pregnancy announcement that invariably, immediately follows it as if this information were something that actually mattered to anyone. But, obviously, Today isn't alone in its cultural elevation of the Duggars from crazy homemade cult to all-American heroes.

And make no mistake -- these people are indeed crazy.

Completely out of their fucking minds.

You know something, though? That's okay. They're entitled to live their lives however the hell they want; as long as none of their kids -- born an average of one a year since 1988 -- ends up on welfare and we the taxpayers have to foot the bill for little Jolene or Jonah. I honestly couldn't care less that there's an insane family living in Arkansas cranking out children because God says so. The problem is that you, the media -- NBC, ABC, TLC, etc. -- keep giving these people face time, thereby convincing them that everyone in this country not crazier than a shithouse rat actually loves hearing the latest news about Michelle Duggar's de-elasticized cervix. I'm not suggesting that you're encouraging them -- since you couldn't, as they take their cues from a supposedly higher authority -- but you are giving them the chance to hawk their books, TV show and the assorted other crap that allows them to afford to continue spitting out kids like chocolates coming down a conveyor belt. These people shouldn't be cast in a positive light. They shouldn't be cast in any light at all. If they want to keep trying to single-handedly overpopulate the Earth for Jesus, they should have to pay for it without the help of your unwarranted free publicity, media.

Let's see how long they'd last once the gravy train you guys happily play conductor of dries up.

Like Paris Hilton, whose career you're also guilty of perpetuating and foisting on an exhausted public, the Duggars are famous only for their unusual sexual habits.

And like Paris Hilton, they've never deserved the wealth of attention you've lavished on them. They're religious zealots who won't stop having babies. That's it. Nothing more.

So once again, knock it the hell off. Stop shoving this family down our collective throat.

If the Duggars one day make the announcement that they've decided to start using contraception, or if one of their kids comes out with horns or something, feel free to give them a couple minutes of airtime. Until then, remember that you're the mainstream media -- not Procreation Quarterly and not a carnival barker.

Leave the freakshow to the circus folk, okay?

Thanks and Happy Holidays,



Anonymous said...

The sad part is that God is up in heaven right now laughing at us saying "Do these morons believe everything I say?" Then one of his herems blows him while he leans over to snort some coke.

namron said...

There ar no bar stools in the Duggar household. When she walks through the room its sounds like someone blowing across the top of an empty beer bottle.

Anonymous said...

Dear God,

Please please please create one of their kids gay. As he grows older, please influence Jamesy Bob change his name to Bon Qui Qui and move her to Weho.

You deserve to fuck Jim Bob and Michelle up a little.


nancym said...

Just change "Paris Hilton" to a Kardashian. That update should last for the next couple of years, or until whatserface's entire pelvic region collapses in on itself.

Steven D Skelton said...

I like the Duggars.

My wife and daughter enjoy their show, and from time to time I watch with them.

There is a lot about them I admire. Despite the size of their family, they have always been self sufficient even before they made a bunch of money off of the show. They own their own business rather than work for others. All of their children are well educated. The volunteer to serve their community. They volunteer to help other families (I saw them drive a few states over to help a friend build a house.) They live completely debt free.

And...They live a very tolerant life. Fundamentalist Christians often (and somewhat deservedly) get painted as hateful and intolerant. This couldn't be further from the truth for this family. They never say anything disparaging about those that don't believe as they do.

Their lifestyle isn't for me, just as I'm sure my lifestyle isn't for them. But I think the world is probably a better place with them in it.

Steven D Skelton said...

One caveat to the children being well educated....they probably wouldn't do well on science tests!

Riles said...

It's like Groundhog Day in my personal hell. First Gloria Allred, now this.

If I were Prometheus, the Duggars appearing on Today would be the giant bird that came by to eat my liver at regular intervals. But of course, Prometheus gave man fire -- I just give you this nonsense.

GOLD, Jerry, GOLD. This is why I come to DXM.

J. Dack said...

I bet she's freezing his sperm by the gallon at this point so she can keep her clown car going to maintain a comfy income in case he dies.

60ft6in said...

Name that baby! My pick for #20 is Digger Duggar. Hubby will pronounce that Dig Her Duggar!

Ducky said...

You know, I saw this in the news and hoped you would remember. You never let me down. Thank you Chez!

Anonymous said...

But I think the world is probably a better place with them in it.

Yeah, they are single-handedly keeping U.S. fertility at replacement level.

kanye said...

Last week, the Duggars took their family out for a pleasant afternoon in the park--and accidentally started Occupy Arkansas.
"Congratulations on the good news, Michelle! Given any thoughts to names yet?"

"If it's girl, Jim Bob is adamant that she be named Jesse Jane...after his favorite actress."

"And if it's a boy?"

The Duggars have declared that ultimately, they would like to have 21 children--one child from each of Jim Bob's testacles.

Chez said...


countryjoe said...

Can't the Duggers just fuck for the fun it of sometime?

IrishGirl said...

I am waiting for the "event horizon" when her vagina will collapse in upon itself and suck every living thing from a 20 mile radius into it. The Duggar's make me gag.

Arjun kumar said...

Well said, life is the most beautiful thing that any human being would like to concentrate on. But it is hard but to true to belive that there is not elixir of immortality to hack one's life existance on this planet.