Thursday, November 17, 2011

Plumbing Attractions

If you ever wondered how uncomfortable it would be watching a group of pseudo-intellectual New York City feminists -- and no doubt in the interest of political correctness, atypically uptight gay men -- try to prove that they really like sex too, wonder no more. I give you Salon's "Sexiest Men of 2011" list.

It's a who's-who of people you've likely never heard of and certainly wouldn't stay up at night fantasizing about with that "rabbit" thing you bought online -- the kind of men who you just know were pitched as being able to "excite the most erotic organ in a woman's body: her mind." Included: Margin Call director J.C. Chandor, hipster god Justin Vernon (aka Bon Iver), personality-less emaciated celebrity chef Marcus Samuelsson, Marc Fucking Maron, Thom Yorke (who's admittedly brilliant but whom I'd only describe as sexy to those with an odd Martin Short fetish), Staten Island choir-leader Gregg Breinberg (feel free to take a minute), and my personal favorites: Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer. If the names escape you, that's because you were too busy seeing the latest jejune Bradley Cooper movie instead of watching the news like you should've been when the two hikers were released from an Iranian jail earlier this year. Apparently nothing impresses the women of the Salon staff like really bad ideas and sodomy.

Anyway, take a peek. It'll make you glad you're average.

And sorry, Mary Beth. I love you.

Salon: Salon's Sexiest Men of 2011/11.17.11


Bill Stancill said...

I'm convinced that the only qualification for winning one of these things is the stubble factor.

pea said...

Jesus. It's an emoprog's dry dream.

Claude Weaver said...

You know, someone should tell them that they are allowed to use their genitalia as a barometer when it comes to these sorts of things. I just think "sexiest" should be less of an intellectual exercise, and more about gut instinct and wanting to hit that ass like the fist of an angry god.

Seriously, it is 2011. I thought we already established that grown women are allowed to be just as shallow and horny as men.

What is with the perpetrating, ladies?

Christi said...

As a somewhat feminist woman, that list made me want to vomit. First off, I like my man to weigh more than 98lbs. Second, an ability to grow an ugly beard is not something I enjoy. Third, nothing about a hipster is hot. Ever. Fourth, I do kinda think Marcus Samuelsson is hot. And fifth, Bon Iver can take his "minor in Women's Studies" and shove it up his ass. Gag.

firedmyass said...

Damn. That's a whole lotta grim facial hair up in there. Were there no even vaguely flattering photos of these dudes available?

I mean, I more than understand that one can find someone who is not conventionally "beautiful" just sexy as all hell (my one-time raging crush on Sandra Bernhard says "hi"), but... oof.