Sunday, October 09, 2011

Sunday Sacrilege

I love the ultra-Christian. I love them because they make it so easy for me. One of the least mentally taxing things I do around here is wake up Sunday morning and find a post for the Sunday Sacrilege segment. It literally requires almost no effort to locate something completely absurd from, say, Christian Nightmares to pop up on the main page -- and generally whatever item I grab turns out to be so hilariously surreal that I don't even have to create a punchline for it. The whole thing is one big punchline; I couldn't improve on it comedically if I were the reincarnation of Bill Hicks.

Take, for example, "Jesusween."

There are so many possible jokes about something called "Jesusween" that, again, it's probably not even worth bothering. I mean, after the initial giggles, my mind immediately went to thoughts of a particularly cruel pet name concocted by Mary Magdalene -- and that was just for starters.

But here's the thing: The fact that a group of highly devoted Christian types came up with this name, without one single person apparently shooting it down, proves just about incontrovertibly that the hyper-religious don't have a damn thing even approaching a sophisticated sense of humor, to say nothing of a lick of common sense (which I guess sort of goes without saying). If you didn't instantly grasp that the word "Jesusween" was ripe for playground taunts between fourth-graders and outright ridicule from misanthropic jerks like me, I have no idea how your doe-eyed ass walks out of his front door every morning without being eaten alive by the world.

While we're on the subject of a more "Jesus-y" Halloween, though, I figured I'd bring back a classic quickie from the DXM Vault. This one goes way back.

"And By the Way, If You See Your Mom This Weekend, Would You Be Sure and Tell Her... SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!" (Originally Published, 10.31.06)

I always found Halloween to be kind of a silly holiday. I certainly understand its pagan roots, but at this stage of civilization -- things being what they presently are and all -- I can't help but feel that the inflated emphasis on ghosts, witches, black cats and the like as objects of fear is, well, Rockwellian in its quaintness.

I mean, could any of Edgar Allen Poe's delusions -- even at its most brutally drug-induced -- have ever metastasized into something as perfectly evil as Dick Cheney?

Terrorists want to kill me; my President doesn't have a brain, yet still inexplicably walks, talks and smirks; his second in command is regularly seen growling, and shoots his elderly friends in the face; human viscera lines the streets of Iraq -- and you're telling me the ranch-style house up the street with a couple of tombstones in the front yard, a vegetable with a face carved in it, and the all-night Monsterfest on A&E is supposed to scare me?

Sure thing.

That said, I'll relay a truly terrifying tale from my short time at one of the most frightening places on Earth: Dade Christian School.

The God-fearing men and women who ran the place were -- and no doubt still are -- committed to making sure that all of their students have a Halloween that's happy, safe, and free of the torment of eternal damnation. That's why every year the school has its own Halloween party in which each child is encouraged to dress as -- wait for it -- his or her favorite Bible character. Needless to say, this typically causes some confusion, seeing as how the whole beard and robes thing was pretty much the only look going back in the day.

Upon learning the theme of the traditional Dade Christian Halloween-Without-Hell Extravaganza, I of course began peppering the teacher with question after ridiculous question about what my costume could and couldn't entail:

Could I pour salt all over myself and be Lot's wife?

What about water, would dousing myself in water help me to stand out as obviously being Noah?

Could I just come naked and be Adam?

If I dressed as Pharaoh, could I cast the entire school into bondage?

Isn't Satan technically a Bible character?

These annoyances continued until the teacher finally ended them in the usual way: by sending me to the Dean's office.

Surprisingly, he wasn't expecting to see my face again so soon -- being that a few days earlier an angry and frustrated faculty chaperone had deemed that I be exiled to his office for reading the novelization of Halloween III: Season of the Witch during the entire bus ride to and from our class trip to Disney World.

You know something? Now that I think about it -- maybe dressing as a Christian really is the scariest costume imaginable.

Hope you have a good Halloween this year, kids -- and whatever you do, stay away from Old Man Cheney's house.


Anonymous said...

Opened the site, saw the bus ad and thought it was for an organization devoted to weening people off their religious addiction. But Halloween for the Pursed Lip Set is cool too.

QuadCityPat said...

First thing that came to mind: Mary Magdalene loves her the Jesusween because it just rises and rises again.

And yes I'm a wickedly snide lapsed Catholic.

toastie said...

I am disappointed to find that no one has grabbed

jrm78 said...

We should celebrate Geneanddeanween by handing out psilocybin mushrooms on October 31.

Thomas B said...

Reminds me of a story I heard a few years ago. Small, little town in the middle of nowhere (South Dakota or Missouri or someplace like that) - anyway, the town leaders decided "hello" was wrong because it had "hell" in it. So they launched a drive to change the town greeting to "heaven-o". Wish I was making that up.

pea said...

But don't you think Christoween flows more trippingly off the tongue? Jesusween is so clumsy (although a great high-point word for Scrabble). At least pair the Son O' God with a better holiday - Jesusgras - or Jesuskah, since he's Jewish.

FabMax said...

Man, if even a non-native English speaker like gets that that is a bad idea, then these guys really are hopeless.

Anonymouse said...

Heh...growing up, I never thought that I would ever live down my Roman Catholic upbringing. I mean, it made me who I am today, but it came with a LOT of baggage. Our historic treatment of women and our retarded theological arguments against homosexuals and married priests always left me scratching my head. After two years of Catholic high school, I was left with a fear of priests and a fetish for school girl uniforms. And a pretty healthy level of skepticism against anything. Darn...Jesuits...

That is until I moved to Texas for a few months from Maryland for work. I was literally asked numerous times why my parents raised me to worship Satan and insane shit like that. Not by crazy bible people I worked with actually thought that the Pope was the human embodiment of evil on earth and that I worshiped him. I also found it amazing that people thought talking to me about this at work was kosher. (It had gotten out I was raised Catholic because I had a photo of my sister's wedding in my cubical). God imagine if I explained that I was an atheist. I loved how they could quote their bible to me, but were utterly ignorant of how their version of the bible actually came into existence. They toss out over 1000 years of theological thoughts, writings, and education...and just wing it with an English translation. Just a looking at the Vulgate should make people want to at least some Latin or Greek.

Its all gibberish anyway. Every major religion hits on the same topics, the same way: Certain foods are bad, women and kids are property, Gays are scum, and people who claim God's will are always right.

Anonymous said...


The fantasy stories in the Old and New Testament, i.e. the Burning Bush is pretty much the same as the Halloween fantasies of witchcraft and ghosts and goblins - so they're more similarities than you think. :)

- Tom Mullen

hsft said...

I swear, if my kid gets a bible for Halloween, I will egg the shit outta those fuckers. I'm an awesome mom like that.

CNNfan said...

Jesusween is a brand new shorthand for the official position of Roman Catholic Church, retaining the 'w' in Hallow.

However, the 'w', short for Hallow, refers to Jesus as a saint! Hallowmas means All Saints. Halloween ... All Saints' Day.

Christmas = Christ + mas
Hallowmas = Hallow + mas
Halloween = Hallow + een
Jesusween = Jesus + Hallow + een

Chez said...

It's gotten to the point where all I have to do is read the first maybe three words of a comment and I automatically know it's you, Tom.

Anonymous said...

You'll be able to easily tell which houses celebrate jesusween by the smell of rotten eggs and drifts of shaving cream and tp.

smitmaul said...

Jesusween sounds like Jesus had a small penis. Or something like that. I'm trying to think up how this costume might look.