Friday, July 01, 2011

Thinking Outside the Inbox

Yet another entry in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

"Happy Friday! THIS is the future of Ark Music Factory:

Ark Music Factory’s newest pop star Lexi St.George debuted yesterday morning on Good Morning America. The song is building steadily at YouTube. Coverage is massive all week on Ark and GMA’s web sites—of the segment and the song. iTunes average rating for the song is 4.5. Online comments are overwhelmingly positive. There’s even a bootleg “chipmunk” version of the song. The video, outtakes, exclusive footage and photos of Lexi are also featured on Ark Music Factory’s web site,

While Rebecca Black—an artist discovered, defined, and delivered by Patrice Wilson, founder of ARK Music Factory--became an overnight pop sensation with 'Friday,' Lexi’s going to go far too and she represents a significant evolution of Ark. 'Ark Music Factory is an online music platform that discovers, defines and delivers up and coming talent to the next level,' says veteran music manager and film producer Anita Camarata has come to Ark to work alongside founder Patrice Wilson. She says, 'Ark Music Factory works to provide new artists with the tools to progress in their careers, and we develop artists of our own.'

GMA and Ark Music Factory -- with the help of a great talent and a stellar team -- made a pop star in one week. Who’s next? In few weeks, Ark plans a nationwide online talent search. For more information, fans should make sure to keep visiting and and get ready to become the next Ark Pop Star. We welcome your coverage! Happy Friday and Happy 4th of July.



And now, my response:

Dear Harry,

This is normally where I'd cleverly pretend to gush over the contents of your press release in the hope that my douchey faux-magnanimity would clue you in to the fact that I couldn't care less what kind of crap you're peddling. I would, really, but to be honest I'm too fucking tired right now to even muster up the energy to be decently sarcastic with you -- especially about something as patently ridiculous as the "Ark Music Factory," which is probably as close to an engine of pure evil as you'll find this far north of hell. If you somehow wind up representing the guy who, in a fit of insane rage or maybe to impress Evan Rachel Wood, winds up taking the entire staff of the Ark Music Factory hostage and who burns the place the the ground, drop me a line. That I can work with. Otherwise, please don't get anywhere near my inbox.

True, my brain is tapioca right now but even in my compromised condition I know a diabolical abomination when I see and hear it. And while I'm sure the wholly owned subsidiary of the Disney Company/Cap Cities/ABC TV known as "Lexi St. George" (and way to give her a head-start in her future porn career with that name, by the way) is a nice enough girl, she should never be forgiven for her role in what's about to be foisted on the American public over the next three weeks. Jesus, at least Rebecca Black rose to fame respectably -- by going from a joke on Twitter to the teen queen of irony to an inexplicable sensation in a split second. It was organic. Lexi can't even make that claim; she's what happens when the mainstream media, like your grandmother friending you on Facebook, begins meddling with the primal forces of viral transmission and social networking and just decides to cut out those pesky middle men and go ahead and make something the next big thing simply by dubbing it so.

Speaking of which, tell the Ark Music Factory and GMA to stop patting themselves on the back. They engineered a pop star in one week with this girl. You know what that makes them? Amateurs. Underachievers. Ark's first unholy creation, the aforementioned Rebecca Black, did it in 72 hours with the help of one tweet from a comic who thought she was the worst thing he'd ever heard. This? This is cheating.

Man, do you write back to your mom in Des Moines and admit that you're doing this for a living or do you at least lie to her and tell her you've got a more respectable job in New York City -- like manning the business end of a restroom glory hole at Port Authority for spare change. Jesus, you poor bastard.

I Hate People Who Aren't British and Still Insist on Signing Off with "Cheers,"

Chez : )


Jacki Schechner said...

You should compile and publish these as a book. They're brilliant.

Nathan said...

Somebody needs to provide us the invaluable service of providing you a code to embed in emails like this. When the recipient opens it, the code causes his webcam to turn on and then emails you back the footage of his reaction.

Please tell me someone knows how to do that.

Nick said...

I thought you went rather easy on him.

Tania said...

Fantastic! I too wish I could see the reaction.
Chez, your shrivelled black soul is a US national treasure - please never change.


(yes, I'm English..)

Mimi Page said...

These ARK people make me sick....loved your article. :)

NoxiousNan said...

Tears! What a brilliant and well-deserved skewering you gave them. Write when you're too fucking tired more often - there's gold there.