Tuesday, June 07, 2011

Bonus Quote of the Day

"Anthony Weiner is wrecking things for all of the good guys out there who are sending penis pictures to women."

-- Andy Borowitz, via Twitter


Nick said...


kanye said...

If nothing else, this settles the question of exactly how far to the left Congressman Weiner is.

Chez said...

Comment of the week, right there.

kanye said...

Sunday night, we had meatloaf for dinner. A small piece of bone or hard gristle found its way through the grinder and onto my fork. Chomp.

I shattered a molar. Badly enough that I was able to reach in and pull a piece of the tooth out with two fingers. Of course, when I did that I exposed the nerve...

Have you ever had a frying pan full of hot bacon grease and thumbtacks splashed liberally about your genitals? No, me either, but I'm pretty sure that I know exactly what that would feel like. HOLY SHIT! I kept looking in the mirror, waiting to see the knitting needle come out somewhere just below my left eye.

I called my dentist's home and explained to him what happened:

"I need a phone number and address for a 24-hour pharmacy; I'll call in a scrip for you."--like I didn't already have that at my shaking fingertips--"I'm going to give you a prescription for penicillin as well, to stave off infection. You're not allergic, are you?"

"No," I told him, "I'm not allergic."

"I'll call this in right away," he said, "it'll be ready by the time you get there. That's the good news. The bad news is that I won't be in the office 'til Wednesday morning. I can open the office on Wednesday at 8am and get you right in, but if you need to go somewhere else, by all means, do it. You aren't going to hurt my feelings."

"No, I should be okay, Frank...just give me something on the strong side. I'll see you Wednesday at 8."

I hung up the phone and told my wife, "I'm goin’ to get my drugs."

She gazed at me with loving eyes: The look on her face, conflicted; trying to simultaneously express both empathy and concern, and in a soft, reassuring tone she told me, "You shouldn't be out driving around like this, Honey, I'll go get them for you."


Our son has been standing there this entire time, taking the situation in. He’s eleven--a dangerous age: Old enough that he can be a pretty effective smart ass in an adult situation, but still young enough that his propriety filter isn’t automatic yet. Especially with us. He seems completely unable to grasp the fact that my wife and I have 20 years in our collective back pocket, and that because of that, we get to speak to each other a bit differently than he gets to speak to us.

So when he said to my wife, “That’s pretty mean, Mom. There’s a word for people like you that I can’t say,” I closed my eyes and thought to myself, “Oh you poor little fucker,” and got straight the hell out of there.

I’m at the pharmacy now: Short line, thank god for small favors. C’mon Mr. Drugman, gimme what I want…gimme gimme gimme…gimme what I need! Give it to me! Give it to me! Give it to me! Okay, let’s see what I got here…Vicodin!? You’ve gotta be shittin’ me! What am I, 12 years old? I said something strong, not fucking Vicodin. “Alright,” I thought to myself, “you want to treat me like a child? Fine, I’ll act like a child.”

So I’ve been tossing back 7.5/750’s for the last two days like they were Pez. I feel so damn good right now, I really don’t know how to describe it. And numb…Jesus, I could walk through a wall and not feel it. Or fire. Or a fiery wall. Basically, I’m invincible right now.

So why am I telling you this? Because I got “Comment of the Week!” Yay me! And because I’m high as a fucking kite right now! Again, Yay me! And because I’m pretty sure that come tomorrow morning, when I’m sitting through either an extraction or a root canal, I’m not going to be feeling quite so invincible. I know it sure isn’t going seem as funny.

No more “Yay me".

Chez said...

Okay, that's the Comment of the Week.

And take enough Vicodin and they may as well be Oxys. Oh, and the least you can do is send me some, fucker.

Dan said...

kanye, you made my morning.

TheReaperD said...

@kanye: Welcome to being on the fucked side of the controlled substances act. The reason he gave you vicodin and not something stronger is because that is all he can "phone in". For anything stronger, he has to write it on a special piece of "copy proof" paper that you have to pick up from him and take to the pharmacy. You have to go to the ER to get anything stronger on short notice.

kanye said...

What the...Where did this come from? I didn't write this, Chez.

HOLY CRAP!!! I been hacked!

There was enough tooth left intact, so I ended up getting a root canal. My first.

The way people have described root canals to me over years, I thought that I was in for a Chinese Water Torture/Flesh Ripping experience, but honestly, I've had mosquito bites that were more uncomfortable. It certainly wasn't bacon grease and thumbtacks.

And my sweet, sweet Vicodin? She's gone; left me like a mistress in the night.

I feel kind of like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas.

Dan--glad you got a chuckle out of this.

em said...

I heart kanye.

And maybe this is just me - but really, what are penis pictures supposed to do for women? I'm a straight woman, and I'm sorry - I don't really get the appeal of a photo of a penis. Unless I can actually touch it and do stuff with it, it...really doesn't do all that much for me.