Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Thinking Outside the Inbox


Yet another entry in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

Hi Chez,

Tila Tequila has been all over the map, from reality TV star to singer/rapper to making headlines for her sexual preferences. Now the controversial celeb opens up to her “army” of fans across the world as she partakes in a live video chat with host Diana XXXXXXX on XXXXXXX.com.

On retiring the name “Tila Tequila”: “I don’t like Tequila. I mean I don’t like Tila Tequila. I’ve been trying to get rid of that for a long time... I don’t mind when people call me Tila Tequila because it’s like really catchy, they’ve known me by that for a long time. But my real fans know it’s Miss Tila.”

On dating girls and guys: “I’m kind of seeing someone right now, this girl. So usually in a girl relationship, I’m usually the more dominant one. I usually go for the very fem type. We call it fem, but I don’t really like using that “lipstick lesbian” term. We call it “fem” or “stud” instead of “dyke”. I feel like one of the guys, like one of the boys. It’s very easy to bond with them. Because guys, they can be predictable and you know, all they wanna do is have sex and like ok, great. And sometimes you want to find something more meaningful than that so that’s when I go back to the girls.”

On Monogamy: “I hate that stigmatism that comes with when people say your bi-sexual, automatically people think you’re promiscuous just because you’re bi-sexual. I don’t have [open relationships]. If I like somebody, if I really like somebody and we’re together, I do not, I don’t do that. But if we’re just having a good time and we both know that we’re just having a good time, then sure do whatever you want, I don’t care.”

For more on her current relationship, how she treats guys and girls differently and life in the south, please visit: XXXXXXX -- Tila Tequila.

Thanks,

Sarah


And now, my response:

Dear Sarah,

Thanks so much for contacting me with this exciting opportunity; I realize it's rare that, as a heterosexual man between the ages of 13 and 75, I would be in a position to have Tila Tequila attempt to sexually arouse me in the name of desperately breathing life into her struggling brand as well as adding a few more precious seconds to her 15 minutes (which, according to my watch ran out about a year-and-a-half ago).

As it turns out, though, we may actually be able to help each other. I'm doing some new media PR myself these days and one of my clients just happens to be chlamydia. I believe chlamydia has gotten a bad rap over the years and I've been hired to try to rehabilitate the image of this misunderstood disease. Along those lines, I think Tila would be the perfect face of the "new" chlamydia. Think of the possibilities: Tila and chlamydia -- they're a natural combination.

Please give my idea some thought and I promise that if I run out of every single other thing on the planet to put on my website -- and I learn that you've taken my family hostage -- I'll consider promoting your Tila Tequila interview.

Oh, by the way, please tell your client that there's no such word as "stigmatism." There's a stigma, and astigmatism -- which is a condition affecting the eyes, much like Tila herself -- but no "stigmatism."

Toodles,

Chez : )

11 comments:

Sheriff Bart said...

I like the part where she got pelted with shit by a bunch of Juggalos.

J. Dack said...

I think the thing that bugs me the most about that chick is that, being a big believer in honesty, I have to admit I would still nail her.

I mean, I'd have to have my junk encased in carbonite first, but once I was safe? I'd hit that so hard whoever could pull me out would be crowned the king of England.

Yes I stole that joke.

Alexander Johannesen said...

Someone has to be a poopiehead, so why not me?

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/stigmatism

Chez said...

Actually, "a stigmatism" isn't two words, it's one. "Stigmatism" is the commonly misspelled and mispronounced version of the former. In other words, as expected, Wiktionary is kind of wrong.

Alexander Johannesen said...

Ok, in danger of being more of a poopiehead, I've got astigmatism myself and know the following; the 'a' prefix is a Latin term on top of a medical concept, and is just a descriptor like "atypical" vs. "typical".

Both stigmatism and astigmatism are actual terms, and the following agree with me, including the Dictionary of Optometry and Visual Science, 7th edition. © 2009 Butterworth-Heinemann ;

http://medical-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/stigmatism

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/stigmatism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stigmatism

But I fully agree that a lot of people say stigmatism when the condition they refer to is astigmatism. I get that all the time. :)

Love,

Poopiehead

Chez said...

You can't fool me, Tila.

Alexander Johannesen said...

@Chez, Best comeback EVAH! :) Although, I must admit, wanting to feel myself isn't what I wanted right now ...

Tania said...

Nice reply, Chez! But she probably thinks chlamydia is a character in 'Spartacus'...

Stigmatism, astigmatism - whatever. It's still a malapropism on the part of Miss Tila.
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

@J Dack - I've always loved that joke, it was great to see it again!

kanye said...

Can't imagine she hasn't bled from the holes every now and then; maybe she was trying to say "stigmata".

Gober said...

Hey, I was watching the Daily Show, and Jon Stewart told me that Chlamydia was a Bond Girl. Chlamydia Strain.

Marsupialus said...

I just hope that stigmatism ain't catchin'. . .