Friday, May 20, 2011


Obviously the Rapture hasn't begun just yet because this vile creature is still walking around in her present form. I figure that once the shit starts to go down, she'll reveal her true identity, arise on cloven hooves, spread her wings made entirely of human male foreskin and begin dragging people off to hell, one by one.

Radar: New Alleged Arnold Mistress Retains Gloria Allred/5.18.11

If you picked, what, 72 hours in the over-under on how long it would take Gloria Allred to find an excuse to muscle her way into the Arnold Schwarzenegger mistress scandal, congrats, you win.

There's no reason to spend much time shredding Allred's latest shameless and desperate bid for face-time because you can pretty much just take the following piece and adjust the name and a couple of other minor details. At this point, it reads like a Mad Libs for every new Allred case.

"Burn the Witch" (Originally Published, 4.15.08)

I'll make this quick.

I may spew a little venom here and there on this site, but believe it or not, there are scant few people in this world I truly despise. I'm not talking about the kind of people who annoy or mildly irritate; I'm talking about the ones whose mere existence just infuriates the shit out of me; whose lack of any discernible contribution to humanity makes me want to take a fucking hostage; whose voice alone can shatter my spine like glass.

Among this highly specialized group of horrid, worthless shitbags -- I'm not sure anyone is more thoroughly contemptible or patently offensive than Gloria Allred.

Cut from the same cloth as Nancy Grace, another feckless troll who treats the legal profession like her own personal litter-box-cum-slot-machine, Allred can typically be found wherever TV cameras are present. She's the alien queen of the ambulance-chasing high-profile lawyer set -- the sort of loathsome caricature that could only thrive in a place as morally bankrupt as Los Angeles. Over the course of her diabolically lengthy career, she's represented such celebs-via-circumstance as Amber Frey, Paula Jones, Nicole Brown Simpson, Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown and Britney Spears's bodyguard -- all the while representing, in reality, only one person: Gloria Fucking Allred. She's inserted herself into the surreal debacle that was the Michael Jackson trial. She's manipulated an all-too-willing media into doing her bidding, which always involves beaming her gruesome, opportunistic ass into every home in America in what would seem to be a concerted effort to turn us all to stone.

What Al Sharpton is to race relations in this country, Gloria Allred is to both sexual politics and its legal system.

And now -- of course -- she's representing Rob Lowe's nanny.

This morning, Allred appeared with 24 year old Jessica Gibson on NBC's Today show to do her copyrighted "Angry Mom Whose Innocent Daughter has Just Been Victimized" routine. For those of you lucky enough to have not heard a fucking peep about this case, Rob Lowe says Gibson is a trash-talker who exploited his family's goodwill; Gibson says Lowe sexually harassed her while she was caring for his kids. Honestly, who gives a crap either way?

Gloria Allred, of course.

Her performance this morning was pure theater -- pure Gloria: She held Gibson's hand like a supportive best friend; contorted her face into a steely grimace while shrilly heaping irresponsible invective at Lowe; wouldn't let anyone else get a word in that might counter her carefully rehearsed indignation; looked like she was always one involuntary impulse away from digging into Gibson's neck to drink her sweet, young blood. The only thing missing was a fucking trapeze act.

The good news is that by allowing herself to be preyed on by this wicked witch -- by accepting the shiny red apple of a big money settlement that was no doubt offered so seductively -- Jessica Gibson has all but ensured that she'll lose in court. Sure, she'll get a lot of free press, but in the end, thanks to Allred's unholy puppetry, she'll get a few bucks from posing for Playboy and eventually be known as 2008's Darva Conger.

Remember her?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Good fucking job there, Gloria.


kanye said...

I gotta admit, I blew this one. I was sure that Gloria'd be in New York by now, trying to convince the Strauss-Kahn maid to sign on the dotted line.

I suppose there's always the weekend.

Chez said...

Schwarzenegger has been her nemesis for years. He and gravity.

Riles said...

There really is no shame in this country any more.

After her stunt at the Roger McDowell presser, where in front of the "victimized" kids she was representing, she used the same words and same gestures she is suing McDowell for, I thought for sure she would be shunned. Just a little bit maybe? No? Fuck.

Matt Osborne said...

You know, I wrote a short story about this woman in the 1990s; I think I called her "Gloriella Alreddy." It was a Lovecraftian satire and ended with her transforming into a giant Cthuluesque tentacle-beast that destroyed downtown LA. It's gone now -- I had it in a handwritten journal that didn't make it through a move, somehow -- but this woman has been in my "loathe" file since the first time I saw her on TV. People like her are the reason we evolved an ability to hate.

Ref said...

Thank you for assuring me that you hate Nancy grace just as much. Why those two haven't formed a partnership is beyond me.

kanye said...

I wasn't aware of that.

Maybe we could talk Linda Hamilton into lowering the both of them into a vat of molten steel.

She'd probably insist on tossing James Cameron into the mix...all the better.

Stephen said...

How long will she be on Mars?

The Bacon said...

"What Al Sharpton is to race relations in this country, Gloria Allred is to both sexual politics and its legal system."


Shit like that is why I read your blog.