Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Lifeless


Continuing our DXM Fifth Birthday Jubilee, and because there's both a trailer for the new Harry Potter movie out as well as the first photos from whatever the next God-awful Twilight installment is, I figured I'd "resurrect" this quickie from late 2009.

"Blood Suckers" (Originally Published, 11.20.09)

Flooding my e-mail inbox today: questions as to why I haven't written a long piece eviscerating fans of the Twilight series, considering that I once mercilessly ridiculed the adult readers of Harry Potter.

The answer is simple, really. It's just too easy. Taking a lot of time out of my day to make appropriate fun of middle-aged women who swoon over Twilight's sparkly vampires, gay porn werewolves and silly sixth grade romance is beneath even me -- and I'm somebody who giddily grabbed the lowest-hanging fruit on the joke tree by calling Sarah Jessica Parker a horse.

Let me get this straight: A somewhat homely, boring Mormon woman writes a series of transparent teenage fantasies in which a somewhat homely, boring, submissive high school girl named -- love the subtlety -- "Bella Swan" is the object of the unwavering affection of a beautiful vampire and a rugged werewolf; there's no sex (because Mormons don't believe in that sort of thing) or violence, really, but there is plenty of laughably written unfulfilled, melodramatic longing and, ironically, toothless and inoffensive behavior from mythological creatures that are generally known to drink blood and eat human flesh. And, oh yeah, the books are aimed at 14-year-old girls.

And you're a mother of two who publicly admits that she laps this shit up?

Congratulations -- you're your own punchline.

I said it before but it bears repeating: Remember what you used to call the girl back in high school who was really into vampires?

Chances are you didn't call her at all -- and neither did anybody else.

4 comments:

Eric said...

Remember what you used to call the girl back in high school who was really into vampires?

Oh no, I was totally into the goth chicks. Black fingernails and lipstick, two-tone hair, pallid skin, wearing leggings and a pair of Doc Martens under a thrift-store skirt and a faded Bauhaus or Cure t-shirt hanging off the shoulder. This was the '80s and the vampire lit du jour under that lovely bleak girl's arm would have been an Anne Rice (and whatever else you want to say about Anne Rice, her vampires were anything but bloodless and sexless). Now that I'm older and possibly wiser, I can see how obnoxious all the affected blood and gloom was, but I'm not so old that my heart doesn't pang with a little vacuum-top-popping sound at the recollection of those goth girls in their black vintage staring contemptuously at everything. I don't suppose you ever really forget the archetype of your first teenage crushes.

If I didn't call her, Chez, it was only because I was pathologically shy.

kanye said...

...but I'm not so old that my heart doesn't pang with a little vacuum-top-popping sound at the recollection of those goth girls in their black vintage staring contemptuously at everything.

Before I'd even gotten a chance to blink, my head was in 1982. Damn, Eric, that sentence could have come straight from the fingertips of Updike himself.

ps-I will be stealing that "vacuum-top-popping" thing sometime in the future.

Lisa Bennett Chesser said...

I have never read a Twilight book, but I loved Anne Rice.

Busayo said...

You forgot about the half-vampire hellchild that Edward 'Joseph Smith Stand-In' Cullen has to chew out of Bella's uterus so it doesn't do a full 'chestburster' on its mother. Oh, and the werewolf falls in love with the baby, with the intention of sexing it up once it LOOKS legal. I'm serious: according to Meyer, Renesmee will physically look seventeen when she's mentally six or seven.

I read the books (well, the sporkings anyway) for the pure batshit.