Monday, May 23, 2011
I Love You, Kiran Chetry
An actual conversation I just had via Facebook Message with someone I've never met or spoken to before:
Avid Fan: i was wondering if you could do me a favor. XXXXXXXXX XXXX has a bunch of photos taken of kiran chetry from the royal wedding coverage in a new album and I was wondering if you could please tag the ones with kiran to her fanpage "kiranchetrycnn"? for some reason it doesnt work when i do it. If you could please just try to tag one of the photos of Kiran Chetry from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's album to her kiranchetrycnn fanpage I would really appreciate it and I will owe you one.
Me: You want me to tag photos to Kiran Chetry's fan page? Is it April Fool's Day or something?
AF: I know it sounds crazy but there were a few tagged photos of Kiran at the royal wedding on her fanpage from facebook.com/XXXXXXXXX.XXXX but they were reset for some reason. There is one in particular of Kiran sitting on a stool and if you could please tag "kiranchetrycnn" on it so it goes back to the fanpage both myself and a bunch of Kiran's fans would really appreciate it. Thank you so much!
Me: Do you know who I am -- what my history is at CNN?
AF: Yes, I know they didnt treat you well at the end. Though, if you could do this huge favor for me though I really would appreciate it.
Me: And you assumed that out of everyone in the known universe, I was the best choice to approach for this assignment -- I would be the most amenable to the idea of helping the millions of Kiran Chetry fans out there (among which I can very easily understand why you count yourself)? I for one am glad you're the future of the news-watching public, kid. By the way, do you know the real Kiran Chetry? I once watched her shoot a man just for snoring too loud. Her lower jaw also detaches so that she can eat small rodents. Most of the CNN staff is aware of this. Do you plan to use these photos for masturbation purposes? Because if so it's a) understandable, and b) I have some better ones if you have a valid credit card or Paypal account.
AF: No, they are not being used for that. Of course this is something I would do myself if XXXXXXXXX XXXX was my friend on here because she blocked the pictures only for friends and because of that the tag got removed. I dont know Kiran Chetry personally and if she isnt a nice person in real life I would rather not know about it. I know this is sad but this would mean a lot to me if you could take a couple minutes and do this.
Me: Ah, blissfully ignorant. You're definitely a fan of CNN's American Morning for all the right reasons. Kiran is a man. Pinky swear. I saw it. (Don't ask me how; it's something she made me promise to never speak of and when I even think about violating The Pact I weep openly about the fate that might befall my family.) And it's not sad. It's sweet and beautiful, your stalkerish tendency to approach strangers on Facebook and implore them to hook you up with photos of a television personality -- and don't ever let anyone, least of all the police, tell you differently.
AF: At least I am a fan of the John Roberts fan club. lol That guy doesnt even try to hide being stuck up and nasty!
*not a fan
Me: I had sex with John's wife.
AF: lol. your funny. btw..If Kiran is a man then I am really gay!
Me: Yes, I complained about wanting to turn American Morning into a comedy show but no one would listen to me. Until one day I realized it already was. Then Kiran ate a small dog and I never spoke out of turn again. And there's nothing wrong with being gay. Most television news personalities are gay; they're taken to an island off the coast of South America before they're given their on-air assignments and are converted through something called "The Trial of the Shirtless Greeks." I myself am gay from time to time. What are you doing next Saturday?
AF: Have you seen the ratings of that show.? It is a comedy show! Kiran is the only reason that it is watchable.
Me: I think you should seriously consider working on the show. They're hiring. The benefits are excellent and you'll get to see Kiran in a wife-beater every morning, which makes it less likely that you'll be eventually arrested for trying to see the same thing outside her bedroom window.
AF: man, you are really quick with your thoughts. I'm not good with comebacks.
Me: Don't be so hard on yourself. That's what Anderson Cooper is for.
AF: all I ask is that you tag one photo of Kiran from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's royal wedding album to the kiranchetrycnn fanpage. it will take you two seconds. I know your a good guy because if you werent CNN would have kept you.
Me: No. See what you get for insulting my beloved CNN?