Monday, May 23, 2011

I Love You, Kiran Chetry

An actual conversation I just had via Facebook Message with someone I've never met or spoken to before:

Avid Fan: i was wondering if you could do me a favor. XXXXXXXXX XXXX has a bunch of photos taken of kiran chetry from the royal wedding coverage in a new album and I was wondering if you could please tag the ones with kiran to her fanpage "kiranchetrycnn"? for some reason it doesnt work when i do it. If you could please just try to tag one of the photos of Kiran Chetry from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's album to her kiranchetrycnn fanpage I would really appreciate it and I will owe you one.

Me: You want me to tag photos to Kiran Chetry's fan page? Is it April Fool's Day or something?

AF: I know it sounds crazy but there were a few tagged photos of Kiran at the royal wedding on her fanpage from but they were reset for some reason. There is one in particular of Kiran sitting on a stool and if you could please tag "kiranchetrycnn" on it so it goes back to the fanpage both myself and a bunch of Kiran's fans would really appreciate it. Thank you so much!

Me: Do you know who I am -- what my history is at CNN?

AF: Yes, I know they didnt treat you well at the end. Though, if you could do this huge favor for me though I really would appreciate it.

Me: And you assumed that out of everyone in the known universe, I was the best choice to approach for this assignment -- I would be the most amenable to the idea of helping the millions of Kiran Chetry fans out there (among which I can very easily understand why you count yourself)? I for one am glad you're the future of the news-watching public, kid. By the way, do you know the real Kiran Chetry? I once watched her shoot a man just for snoring too loud. Her lower jaw also detaches so that she can eat small rodents. Most of the CNN staff is aware of this. Do you plan to use these photos for masturbation purposes? Because if so it's a) understandable, and b) I have some better ones if you have a valid credit card or Paypal account.

AF: No, they are not being used for that. Of course this is something I would do myself if XXXXXXXXX XXXX was my friend on here because she blocked the pictures only for friends and because of that the tag got removed. I dont know Kiran Chetry personally and if she isnt a nice person in real life I would rather not know about it. I know this is sad but this would mean a lot to me if you could take a couple minutes and do this.

Me: Ah, blissfully ignorant. You're definitely a fan of CNN's American Morning for all the right reasons. Kiran is a man. Pinky swear. I saw it. (Don't ask me how; it's something she made me promise to never speak of and when I even think about violating The Pact I weep openly about the fate that might befall my family.) And it's not sad. It's sweet and beautiful, your stalkerish tendency to approach strangers on Facebook and implore them to hook you up with photos of a television personality -- and don't ever let anyone, least of all the police, tell you differently.

AF: At least I am a fan of the John Roberts fan club. lol That guy doesnt even try to hide being stuck up and nasty!
*not a fan

Me: I had sex with John's wife.

AF: lol. your funny. btw..If Kiran is a man then I am really gay!

Me: Yes, I complained about wanting to turn American Morning into a comedy show but no one would listen to me. Until one day I realized it already was. Then Kiran ate a small dog and I never spoke out of turn again. And there's nothing wrong with being gay. Most television news personalities are gay; they're taken to an island off the coast of South America before they're given their on-air assignments and are converted through something called "The Trial of the Shirtless Greeks." I myself am gay from time to time. What are you doing next Saturday?

AF: Have you seen the ratings of that show.? It is a comedy show! Kiran is the only reason that it is watchable.

Me: I think you should seriously consider working on the show. They're hiring. The benefits are excellent and you'll get to see Kiran in a wife-beater every morning, which makes it less likely that you'll be eventually arrested for trying to see the same thing outside her bedroom window.

AF: man, you are really quick with your thoughts. I'm not good with comebacks.

Me: Don't be so hard on yourself. That's what Anderson Cooper is for.

AF: all I ask is that you tag one photo of Kiran from XXXXXXXXX XXXX's royal wedding album to the kiranchetrycnn fanpage. it will take you two seconds. I know your a good guy because if you werent CNN would have kept you.

Me: No. See what you get for insulting my beloved CNN?


Anon said...

*slow clap*

Bravo, Chez. No one can accuse you of not being witty. I'm surprised AF kept talking to you past the first few exchanges.

mom said...

Wish there were some words....can't find them. Although "you are so quick with comebacks' maybe you can add.

J. Dack said...

People are fucking strange.

kanye said...

I dont know Kiran Chetry personally and if she isnt a nice person in real life I would rather not know about it.

Just think, in a few short years this kid will be what's known as "a responsible voter".


This is PR dude Ryan of PajamaJeans, fucking with you.

Matt Osborne said...

This is among the top ten Facebook trolling episodes of all time.

ntx said...

David? David Thorne, is that you?

djesno said...

sofa king awesome (or awsome, per the tattoo)

Anonymous said...

Kiran chetry is so hot. Kiran should wear nude thigh hi stockings to work and have tall blk. Boots on. Kiran tied me down to her bed really tight and gagged me with a bar of yellow dial soap then wrapped ductape over my mouth and around my head a few times. Kiran comes back ten hours later and walks in with thigh hi stockings and boots only she had a whip and she unties my ankles then flips me over and my wrists are tied up behind my back. I got whipped hard for twenty minutes. That made me dig my teeth into the soap. It tasted horrible. Then kiran puts me face up and rode me. Hard then kiran chetry lays me on the floor.face up and she slid a boot off. Kirans stocking foot looked so sexy in nude thigh hi stockings. She did bith then finally kiran took the soap out if my mouth that I had almost swallowed and sucked on for twelve hours. She let me rinse. Kiran said the punishment didnt even start yet. I sucked on her stockinged feet for a while then she made me take care of her as she rode me again. Then kiran leaves and comes back with a bottle of ajax antibacterial soap a bucket and a sponge. Kiran drops the soap in the bucket and grabs the sponge and pours alot if ajax on it then puts the nozzle in my mouth and squeezed it.for ten seconds then washed my mouth out with soap for a while. Kiran moved the sponge in and out with soap and water for a longtime. Then kiran chetry put the bar of dial soap in my mouth and.scrubbed jt in and out for an hour. Kiran yelled at me and made me lick and suck on the soap then kiran pushed it around with her sexy toes then covered my mouth with her sweaty toes and wrapped ductape over her foot and around my head five times. Kiran went to sleep and said hope you figure out a wAy to breathe. I had such a hardon smelling her sweaty and knowing its been ductaped there to block soap.from coming out. Aftet about twenty minutes latet I started to struggle to breathe then I started swallowing lots of soap then I swallowed a bar of soap and I panicked and got too wound up from smelling kiran chetrys feet and she noticed and started pleasuring herself and she started to drip on me then she pinched my nose with her two toes and pulled a pair of pantyhose over my face and her feet then I tried to yell for help but it was muffled by her feet then kiran said im gonna get you.more bar soap and then I shot my biggest load ever and she stood up and really shut off all air supply and told me to take one last sniff of her feet and I did then I passed out.