Saturday, May 14, 2011

DXM History Repeats: Oprah

Our look back at some of the best anti-Oprah columns seen here at DXM over the last five years continues with a vicious little piece originally published right after Anonymous declared war on Scientology.

The DXM Fifth Birthday Jubilee

Topic: Oprah

Number of Posts: 82

"A Message To Oprah" (Originally Published, 2.11.08)

Good day Oprah, we are Acrimonious.

Over the years, we have been watching you. We have had no choice really, as you are fucking everywhere.

Your stranglehold on every form of media; your unjustified influence over our culture; your arrogance in believing that your very existence makes the world a better place; your army of brain-dead soccer moms, always ready and willing to catapult whatever banal crap their leader deems important to the level of inescapable zeitgeist; your assimilation of any and all authentically vital art so that it can be vomited back out with a fresh new label of squeaky-clean, Oprah-approved insipidity; your solipsism disguised as altruism, all of these things have caught our eye.

With the news of your latest painfully pretentious endeavour -- the opening of "The Oprah Store" in Chicago, a consumerist mecca dedicated solely to your personal passions, whims, various gurus, etc. -- the extent of your dominance has become incontestable.

We can no longer ignore the truth.

Acrimonious has therefore determined that you and your organization should be destroyed.

For the good of our civilization, for the good of mankind, and just for the hell of it, we shall expel you from your position at the pinnacle of the popular mindset and systematically dismantle Harpo Productions in its present form. We acknowledge that you are a powerful adversary and that the cult you have created has been allowed to infect all facets of public life, but we are prepared for a long campaign against your cultural tyranny. You will not prevail forever against the angry, disenfranchised masses of the body politic -- as well as those still in possession of a modicum of taste -- if for no other reason than the fact that you'll have to stop to eat every 20 minutes or so.

Make no mistake, your methods, hypocrisy, and the artlessness of your organization have sounded its death knell.

You cannot hide.

We are everywhere -- and you are fat.

We can move faster than you, provided no one is dangling a Twinkie on a string in front of you.

To the members of the media who have allowed themselves to fall under Oprah's hypnotic spell, to be manipulated and corrupted by her omnipresent influence, we wish to make clear who we are.

We are not simply a group of super-hackers.

Acrimonious is a collective of individuals united by an awareness that someone must take a stand, bring light to the darkness, and open the eyes of a public that has slumbered for far too long.

Acrimonious is tired of Oprah's bullshit.

We can see what most people apparently cannot. We understand the threat posed by Oprah.

As such, we have come here to chew bubble-gum and kick ass, and we're all out of bubble-gum.

We want you to become aware.

We want you to know about Jonathan Franzen.

We want you to know about James Frey.

We want you to know about Oprah's "special friend" Gayle.

We want you to know about the abuses at Oprah's self-serving South African school for girls.

We want you to know about Oprah's reckless use of her forum to attack those with whom she disagrees, such as the beef industry.

We want to know why Oprah's face appears on the cover of every goddamned issue of Oprah's magazine.

We want you to know about Oprah's consistent association with bat-shit lunatic Tom Cruise.

We want you to know about Jenny Craig.

We want you to know about Oprah's plan to become Vice President and install Rachael Ray as Secretary of State.

We want to know where Beowulf is when we need him.

The information is out there. It is yours for the taking. Arm yourself with knowledge.

Our time has come.

We are Acrimonious.

We do not forgive.

We do not forget.

No, we won't read The fucking Secret!

Expect us -- bitch.


Matt Osborne said...

"We want to know where Beowulf is when we need him."

Cracked me the fuck up, Chez.

In other news, Julian Assange doesn't like secrets unless they're his own.

tsisageya said...

I've been gorging myself on your Oprah posts. They're great! This one is great! I went and watched the Anonymous video again too.

In fairness, though---and maybe you meant it as a joke---it was the beef industry that sued Oprah for saying something derogatory about beef.