Friday, May 13, 2011

Countdown To Rapture: 8 Days

Just another friendly reminder that we're now only eight days away from the Rapture -- the beginning of the end, so to speak.

Since Blogger is apparently kicking off the wind-down a little early and ate yesterday's post, I figured I'd once again warn everyone reading this site (a bunch of godless heathens, the lot of you) where you should be on your official Pre-Rapture Checklist.

By now it's important that you've contacted your grandparents, since they likely come from a more religiously inclined era and will probably be the first ones sucked up when the sky turns all blood red. If you seem sincere enough in your concern for their well being, you may even earn yourself a last minute ticket north -- but don't count on it, sinner.

Also, make sure your home (survival bunker if you happen to have one) is stocked with plenty of antibacterial ointment, cream or spray; you'll need something to ensure that your wounds don't become infected after your skin is flayed from your body over and over again by grotesque winged serpents and your sphincter is shredded by white-hot Satan cock. I recommend Bactine.

Remember, kids, preparedness is next to godliness.

Ha! No it isn't -- not this time, demon meat.


Girl With Curious Hair said...

Will you stop it? I just got Lasik and spent far too much money for just eight more days. On the other hand, I will see everything clearly, so there is that.

Mart said...

The very idea of my sphincter being shredded by white-hot Satan cock makes me long for eternal damnation, not salvation. Bring the end times on, bitches.