Monday, April 11, 2011

Fight or Flight


Story time...

So I'm taking Inara through airport security in Fort Lauderdale on Saturday morning and the crack staff of the TSA is being especially difficult.

As I haplessly juggle a toddler, a folded-up umbrella stroller and two carry-on bags -- all while trying to re-dress myself after my virtual cavity search -- an irate agent is demanding that I give her my undivided attention while she runs some kind of Ghostbusters PKE-meter device across a pouch of Caprisun fruit punch she's removed from our luggage. Another agent has already informed me that it was apparently impertinent of me to assume that I could get an 8-ounce bottle of shampoo past him, so needless to say I'm not in the best of moods -- especially not since a sign at the beginning of the line declaring that printing toner cartridges are now forbidden on planes lets me know in no uncertain terms that potential terrorists are still dictating the terms of the game and no part of this little dog-and-pony show is keeping me any safer in the air.

After collecting the now scanned and TSA-Approved Caprisun, I bend down to make sure Inara's boots are zipped up -- still trying to balance the unopened stroller with one hand while making sure our bags don't fall off my shoulder -- when a large female agent who happens to be casually strolling by looks at me and huffs with snotty condescension, "See? Now you know what it's like to be Mommy."

At that, I stop cold, affect an expression of shock and contempt and scold, "Her mother," gesturing to Inara, "died in a car accident last year."

The look of absolute shame on that woman's face -- I'm telling you, it's the little moments.

23 comments:

Deacon Blue said...

So evil, Chez...so deliciously, beautifully evil.

I am humbled, as words tend to fail me anywhere other than in print.

Matt S said...

I adore the lack of rhyme or reason for what they let you get through. For example, my buddy last week flying out of PBI had about 10 little airline size bottles of booze. He made it through security, no questions asked, clearly well over the liquid limit imposed by the TSA.

NoxiousNan said...

TSA is the new DMV.

Josh Bond said...

awesome .. just fantastic

The Bacon said...

Fucking Classic.

You should give yourself "Quote of the week."

Le Penseur said...

Hopefully the next time she gets the urge to say something cunty to a stranger who is clearly having a hard time, she'll remember this moment and keep her dick-polisher shut.

Ref said...

Nan, you should run right down and apologize to the DMV.

Bravo, Chez!

d-rap said...

Quick and wicked. Awesome!

The Mama said...

Awesome.

I hate people like that.

I hope she felt bad the whole rest of the day.

Fred said...

Awesome, Chez. In so many ways.

John O said...

It's pretty disgusting watching the continued abuses the TSA perpetrate on the American people.
And I'm not even an American.
Whatever happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave, anyway?

Anonymous said...

Bravo!

That story couldn't help but remind me of a bash.org quote:
http://bash.org/?777977

Anonymous said...

People need to practice empathy. What a cunt.

em said...

1) Why would anyone even fucking say that to anyone in the first place, and 2) Do you think all of the people who work at the airport actually need to be there if this asshole is just strolling by, free to pass judgment on total strangers out loud?

Props on this though. Seriously reminds me of every time I wanted to say something to someone, but was either too shocked to get anything good out of my mouth, or angry to say anything without swearing and causing a scene.

Mo said...

"Died in a plane crash" would've been even more effective, I assume :-)

Busayo said...

Pure genius.

TheReaperD said...

*bows* Teach us, oh cynical snarky master.

:)

CNNfan said...

That wasn't a look of absolute shame, that was the look of love... She wants you for a husband, Chez.

TheReaperD said...

CNNfan FTW.

misterac said...

That was absolute awesomeness. Made my afternoon. :)

NoxiousNan said...

Ref, I'm sure you're right. I have to renew my license in June (horror), I'll extend my apologies then.

Chez, like Em, I can never get anything out in the moment, my mind is too boggled at their gall. It's always nice to see when someone get properly and deservedly owned.

J. Dack said...

BRB, laughing my balls off.

Denesteak said...

YES