Thursday, February 24, 2011

A High Sheen


I'm honestly not sure there's any cocaine left in the world right now. Like, if you were to call your dealer and try to get an 8-ball, no matter where you happen to live, he'd have to respond with a dejected, "Nah, dog, sorry -- got none." And when you asked why, he'd answer, "Dude, Charlie Sheen. Did you hear that crazy eighteen minute rant when he called into Alex Jones today, yo?"

Now let me break out my crystal ball and predict that by this time tomorrow CBS and the producer of Two-and-a-Half Men -- whom Charlie called a clown and hit with an indirect anti-Semitic slur during today's little on-air meltdown -- will finally have thrown in the towel and canceled the show.

Really, you have to hear this to believe it. This motherfucker hasn't felt the lower half of his face in a week.

TMZ: Audio of Charlie Sheen Call To Alex Jones/2.24.11

(Update: Not that you needed to be Kreskin to see it coming, but I told you so.)

(But Wait, There's More: Never one to let good judgment come between his rampaging id and a really, really bad idea, Sheen wrote an open letter in response to the shutting down of Two-and-a-Half Men. It reads:

"What does this say about Haim Levine (show creator Chuck Lorre) after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...

Charlie Sheen"


Yeah, so, there's that.

By the way, Sheen's in the Bahamas right now with marijuana magazine model Natalie Kenly, porn star Bree Olson and -- bafflingly -- his ex-wife Brook Mueler. First of all, holy shit is this guy Caligula, and second, as a friend of mine said, what's the over-under on him coming back to the states in coffin at this rate?)

Adding:

18 comments:

Thomas B said...

How different his life would be if only Michael Jordan let him be a spokesman for Hanes Crisp Collar T-Shirts.

Steven D Skelton said...

He needs to die in the next couple weeks then.

I got big plans for Mardi Gras...and if my boys out because that dumb ass is bogarting all the sugar, I'm gonna be pissed!

Pants said...

You called it! The show has been canceled, at least for the rest of this season. But I don't see him getting his shit together anytime soon.

We'll probably won't see him or LiLo or their inevitable, hollow-eyed offspring for a year or two. Until they make their comeback, on Cops...

toastie said...

I hope Ferris Bueller's mom was able to keep Jeannie away from him.

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd say this but he makes Jones sound almost sane. Almost. Pure and complete gnarlyisms...that's hilarious. It's almost like he's speaking in shitty mid-west rap metal band names.

Kristyne said...

Jesus Christ, Charlie.

I think you're right, Chez, and he hasn't run out of blow just yet. He just sent a written rant over to TMZ, more of the slurs and what not. It's funny how drug issues didn't destroy Downey. I think it might have something to do with one's ability to be an asshole. Sheen's skills in this realm are epic.

Anonymous said...

I feel bad for the crew on the show. I hope they saw this coming and made plans for finding something else.

Susan said...

Anon 10:42 hit this one right on the head. While Charlie is going tony montana style into a pile of cocaine there is some set carpenter that just lost his job.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Your crystal ball was right! You should start www.chezpredicts.com . . .

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011/02/25/3148956.htm

Josh said...

At this point, it's just a matter of time before he sucker-punches Charlie Murphy in the forehead with his rings on at a Hollywood club.

L. said...

It really sucks for everyone involved in that show. Though it's certainly nothing I'm interested in watching, as someone who just found out they might be out of a job within the next month, it hits really close to home that these people were blindsided by it.

For the amount they were paying him they could almost certainly have found someone else to be in the show in his place. I'd die laughing if they said his character died off camera and just brought someone else in, hopefully carrying a bloodied bowling shirt.

em said...

"Up the steps of justice"? Leading to where? His ass? His huge nostril?

Alanna said...

How the fuck was this show still on? That's all I want to know. Good riddance, Charlie.

Fungi said...

Maybe it's me, but I don't get it. Clearly, Charlie is off his rocker, but he's not completely wrong either.

The creator of the show has taken many shots at Charlie via his vanity cards at the end of each episode. Charlie has never said anything about them publicly until yesterday and now the show is done for the season. Doesn't seem right to me.

I'm sure the creator of the show has had his hands full dealing with Sheen all these years, but that was his choice and it got him very rich & powerful in TV land. The show is a hit because it is based off of Sheen's lifestyle. For those of you who have never seen the show, Charlie is always drinking and banging hookers. Sound familiar? Now the creator of the show doesn't like what Sheen has been doing in his personal life, but it has been ok to exploit it for all these years to make a good show? Sounds a bit hypocritical to me.

Heather said...

L. - Those who worked on this show probably already have other jobs. As soon as the show stopped taping, they would have gone out and immediately hopped onto another show. Shows and studios are always in need, and once you're in it is easy to move around without much trouble. None of my friends worked on this show, but they've worked on others where cancellation came with far less notice and they were employed again within a week.

Fungi - Chuck Lorre was already rich and powerful in the television world. He has worked on/created successful sitcoms going all the way back to the 80's and has two others running right now other than Men, the most successful of which is "The Big Bang Theory." He didn't need Charlie Sheen's help with anything, this is all Sheen's ego talking. He's pissed because his meal ticket just died, not only due to his ill-advised bitch fest, but also due to the fact that he is self-destructing and unreliable at this point. Yes, he may have been fine before but he obviously isn't now. The network looked the other way as long as it could and now it can't. His personal issues will overwhelm the show itself. All shows have insurance and, like Lohan has found, insurers will refuse to insure a show with someone who is obviously breaking down. Plus, when you have to stop in the middle of a season like this, that's usually a death sentence because the audience is likely to move on to other shows in the interim which means you have to fight to get them back when you return. Not worth it for them at this point. The show might come back, I don't know, but with the way things are going right now -- and the way he's burning bridges with the very same people who will decide whether or not they wish to employ him -- it is highly unlikely. It's a mess for everyone involved, and if he continues to be involved it will only get more difficult to produce.

J. Dack said...

On the other hand, not too much to be jealous of as regards his companions. From what I've read his gear doesn't work any more.

Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Fungi said...

Heather- I know all about Mr. Lorre's history. Two and a Half Men was the show that got him back on top. The majority of his shows from the 80's were nothing special.

My point was, if Chuck Lorre was having problems with Charlie Sheen all these years, he should have taken the high road and dealt with it out of the public eye. To take his aggression against Sheen out on his boring vanity cards for the entire world to read is a pretty shitty thing to do, no matter how pissed you are. How would you feel if your employer broadcasted to world your short comings? I'd be mad as hell.

I'm not saying Charlie is right by any means, I'm just saying he's not entirely wrong.

kanye said...

...especially if they wind up in my octagon.

Great...Now I've got this image stuck in my head of Charlie Sheen and Chuck Lorre, resplendent in their full ninja regalia, squaring off in the center of a bamboo-constructed, dirt-floored death maze. Sword to sais, clinking and clanking...locked in a martial, mortal battle; the whole time this whispery, echoic overvoice saying things like, "Chuck Lorre--Lorre--Lorre." "Why did you betray me--betray me--betray me." "I played a television brother—brother--brother."

I wonder if there's three people who read this site that have the slightest fucking idea of what I'm talking about? Not just this comment either; ever.