I'm honestly not sure there's any cocaine left in the world right now. Like, if you were to call your dealer and try to get an 8-ball, no matter where you happen to live, he'd have to respond with a dejected, "Nah, dog, sorry -- got none." And when you asked why, he'd answer, "Dude, Charlie Sheen. Did you hear that crazy eighteen minute rant when he called into Alex Jones today, yo?"
Now let me break out my crystal ball and predict that by this time tomorrow CBS and the producer of Two-and-a-Half Men -- whom Charlie called a clown and hit with an indirect anti-Semitic slur during today's little on-air meltdown -- will finally have thrown in the towel and canceled the show.
Really, you have to hear this to believe it. This motherfucker hasn't felt the lower half of his face in a week.
TMZ: Audio of Charlie Sheen Call To Alex Jones/2.24.11
(Update: Not that you needed to be Kreskin to see it coming, but I told you so.)
(But Wait, There's More: Never one to let good judgment come between his rampaging id and a really, really bad idea, Sheen wrote an open letter in response to the shutting down of Two-and-a-Half Men. It reads:
"What does this say about Haim Levine (show creator Chuck Lorre) after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...
Yeah, so, there's that.
By the way, Sheen's in the Bahamas right now with marijuana magazine model Natalie Kenly, porn star Bree Olson and -- bafflingly -- his ex-wife Brook Mueler. First of all, holy shit is this guy Caligula, and second, as a friend of mine said, what's the over-under on him coming back to the states in coffin at this rate?)