Sunday, December 05, 2010

Toy Sorry

A transcript of the conversation posted yesterday on my Facebook wall:

Status: Today's topic over beers: just in time for the holidays, inappropriate children's toy ideas. And... Go!

Chez: Peep Show Booth Cleaner Barbie (with Detachable Mop)

Noel: Vibrating Veggie Tales

Del: A Tea Party set

Chez: Fisher Price My First Period

Votar: Akbar Toys' "My First Suicide Vest"

Del: Barney's BDSM Starter Kit

Mark: Thomas the Tancredo

Chez: Fisher Price My First Time

Votar: All Aboard the Auschwitz Choo Choo

Votar: Tickle My Taint Elmo

Chez: Ratz

Scott: Tickle-Me Mark Foley Doll

Del: Swallow Some Semen Cindy

Chez: Inhellivision

Chez: The Auschwitz EZ Bake Oven

Votar: The Post-Katrina Superdome Playset

Chez: The Nidal Hasan Jihad Joe Doll

Ilsa: There is seriously a Fisher Price My First Period? I just died.

Votar: Bionic TSA Agent with X-ray Vision

Chez: Fisher Price My First Anal Scene (these are endless)

Paul: Spunk & Spell

Chez: The Commodore Prick 20

Paul: Pubic's Cube

Chez: Teddy Meatspin

Chez: Optimus Sex Crime

Paul: Titty Twister

Carlos: Mr. Potato Head: Michael Jackson Edition

Paul: Mr. Mouth (a real one which, in this context, sounds filthy)

Chez: XXXbox

Michael: Barbie with a Hidden Camera Inside... oh, wait

Carlos: Transgenders: More Than Meets the Eye

Chez: Mr. Snuffleupsomecoke

Votar: Atari's 9/11 Flight Simulator

Votar: Pokéboy

Chez: Suckle Me Elmo

Chez: Ravaged Snatch Kids

Chez: Rape Ape

Lake: The Dexter Doll Set (complete with knives, for dismemberment)

Votar: Hannah Does Montana

Chez: Port Authority Bathroom Barbie

Lake: Harry Potter Vibrating Quidditch Broom (oh, wait, Walmart already did that)

Chez: Play-Dildough

Votar: Dora Gets Deported

Chez: Mr. Microphone Tyson

Votar: Nerf Underwear Bomb

Lake: Uncle Bob's "It's Our Secret" Board Game

Monica: This post was just read out in its entirety at lunch with 7 other people. Good job. Cancer Cluster Barbie, complete with water well.

Chez: The Queef Football

Chez: Gaystation

Chez: 2 Girls, 1 Lincoln Log

Chez: The Stims (for autistic kids)

Chez: Robitussin Buzz Lightyear

Votar: The Chronicles of NAMBLA: Stories About Boys in a Closet

Votar: Touch My Wii

Chez: Kvetch-a-Sketch (perfect for Hanukkah!)

Chez: Spook Nuke 'Em (available only in the South)

Adam C: Collapsed Mine Playset -- battle your friends for the working air mask

Adam C: Little Miss Ladder-Climber with REAL Sucking Action

Votar: Emo Girl Dress Up Kit -- Now With Detachable Lip Ring, Fishnet Leggings, Fake Goth Tat, and Digital Camera (12 Hours of Free Newsgroup Access Also Included!)

Chez: Columbine Barbie

Chez: Heather Mills Leg-o Set

Maribel: Dr. 90210 Playset, complete with Botox Injections and Liposuction Canula

Chez: Travis Bickle Me Elmo


d-rap said...

I love my new phone...and you. This list kept me amused and level-headed as I stood in a long line surrounded by annoying people at the store yesterday!

VOTAR said...

The link you added: pure evil.

kanye said...

--Lego Kama Sutra

--Sybian Snape Action Figure

--Sasha Grey Face Painting Kit

--Peter North Silly String dispenser

--Aunts in the Pants

--Hi Ho! There Goes My Cherry O

Dan said...

I agree, that link was pure evil. So of course I had my wife click it without knowing too.

Jacki Schechner said...

You've outdone yourself this holiday season.

Anonymous said...

I had to stop eating my dinner. Started coughing from laughing so hard.

Fungi said...

Please send all of your toy donations this Christmas to my favorite charity, Sex Toys For Tots. Thanks.

Chris said...

So wrong, so very wrong--so very, very funny.

"Heather Mills Leg-o Set" (spit-take w/my morning coffee... thanks).

Now where can I find one of these "Tickle my Taint Elmos"?

Anonymous said...

Meatspin before coffee. It's going to be a great day.

Anonymous said...

Full Cavity Search Barbie - For the budding TSA employee!

Plastic gloves included.

Heroin Hannah Montana Doll: Sleepover Surprise Edition

Courtney Love Barbie Doll: Comes With Oxycontin Branded Purse

Chris Hansen Montana Predator vs. Illegal Alien action figure set, complete with lewd flashing action and fence-jumping action

Fisher Price's My First Mafia Offer They Can't Refuse: Comes With Ballpeen Hammer!

GWAR Action Figure: Comes with optional impaled Sarah Palin, George Bush, Hitler, Saddam Hussein, or Glenn Beck. Osama Bin Laden would be an option if we could find him.

Anonymous said...

Nerf "Money Shot" Repeater Gun: Cums With Free Refills!

Let's Play Doctor Board Game

For the Hispanic children out there, it's the Chris Gringo Action Figure Doll, a gritty, white-only Santa reboot. Because Santa will never be brown and you know it.

Savage Rash Kids - You won't believe where they'll ask you to itch!

Flintstones Bam Bam & Pebbles Make Their First Medical Discovery Book

Stephen said...

Votar: The Chronicles of NAMBLA: Stories About Boys in a Closet

Hands down winner lmao

Busayo said...

My Little Tijuana Pony Show

Rivalen said...

I feel famous... *meatspin*

...and violated.

NOW it's Christmas.

Randy said...

and to think it all started with
Holocaust: The video game!
Jorge would be so proud!