Friday, October 29, 2010

Tom Hates

Crazy Tom Tancredo is currently at the top of the Huffington Post, with a headline screaming "Could He Be Governor?" In the linked column, AP writer Steven Paulson highlights some of Tancredo's greatest moments of off-the-rails batshit, like earlier this week when he said that President Obama is a bigger threat to the United States than al Qaeda -- or the time four years ago when he called Miami a "Third World country."

I remember my only somewhat tongue-in-cheek response the latter comment.

From "Miami: Ciudad del Futuro" (Originally Published, 11.28.06)

It would appear that U.S. Representative Tom Tancredo of Colorado has found himself a cause celebre in his ongoing battle to rid America of illegal immigrants. During a recent visit to Palm Beach, he told a crowd of conservative supporters that to witness the dangers of unfettered immigration, it need only travel ninety miles to the south -- to my hometown; Miami, he said, "has become a Third World country."

Needless to say, this opinion was immediately decried as pinheaded and wrong by South Florida's own voice in congress, Representative Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, a woman who resembles a yapping chiuhuahua both in stature and intelligence. Given that she and Tancredo share a political affiliation -- and that this particular affiliation needs all the party-unity it can get right now -- there probably won't be the usual contrived indignation and dueling press conferences to resolve the matter; instead, Ros-Lehtinen has already offered an olive branch in the form of an invitation to Tancredo. "I invite my friend, Tom, to visit beautiful Miami -- my hometown -- and experience firsthand our hospitality. Miami is a world-class city where diversity is celebrated. Here, people have the opportunity to meet folks from around the globe and honor different cultures," she responded.

I'd like to avoid picking apart the good congresswoman's rosy assessment of the only banana republic on U.S. soil, except to say that if you know anything at all about the way Miami operates, there's a good chance that some form of under-the-table payment from the chamber of commerce is now well on its way to Ros-Lehtinen in return for such kind words. Unfortunately, my level of experience with the city dictates that I, at the very least, elaborate slightly on the points she made.

Yes, Miami is beautiful -- which is precisely why it's become the official ostentatious playground of every worthless but loaded hip-hop star currently tearing up the TRL countdown. It's a place that's so hospitable that several years ago -- after a series of violent attacks -- a decision was made to remove any markings which might denote a vehicle as having been rented locally, lest unwary visitors be targeted and robbed at gunpoint five minutes after leaving the airport. It's a world-class city -- if you believe that the world ends at the southern tip of South America and the eastern edge of the Caribbean. It's a place where diversity has been "celebrated" with three deadly race riots over the past twenty five years. It is indeed a place where people have the opportunity to meet "folks" from around the globe -- and be shot by them.

Believe me, I could go on and on. But what I'll do instead is just sit back on my couch and think about the image of Tom Tancredo being convinced how wrong he was about Miami by a day of salsa dancing, Cuban coffee, gator attacks, topless sunbathers, never hearing the English language spoken to him -- not once by anyone -- jailhouse visits with indicted city officials, a tour of the "Elian Museum," and a big pile of cocaine.

And that will make me smile.

(Editor's Note: Nothin' but love, Miami. Nothin' but love.)


Anonymous said...

I'm from Colorado, Chez, and I think myself and many others are nervous that this sorry excuse for an American might actually become governor of Colorado. They usually don't let people like this out of the house unless their have their straitjacket on, and here he is running for Governor.

Tuba Terry said...

I'm from Colorado too. I'm still pretty confident the ridiculously-named John Hickenlooper will get the seat.

I remember his election campaign for mayor of Denver: "I own a bar!" and he drove around town on a scooter, repeating his name. It worked, and it turns out he's been pretty good at his job. You know, except for the UN Red Bicycle thing...