Friday, July 09, 2010

Quote of the Day


"Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his "decision" unlike anything ever 'witnessed' in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our 'motivation' to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that's simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown 'chosen one' sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And 'who' we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called 'curse' on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former 'King' will be taking the 'curse' with him down south. And until he does "right" by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day....

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue....

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers"


-- Dan Gilbert, delusional Cavaliers owner and apparent part-time substitute 1st grade English teacher at William J. Lepetomaine Elementary, taking the high road following LeBron James's decision to play for the Miami Heat next year

I feel for Cleveland -- I really do -- but Gilbert can suck it. That gleaming phallic trophy Miami's dream team wins next year is gonna look great sticking out of your ass.

Course in Miami, that won't be talcum powder LeBron throws in the air pregame.

21 comments:

Sean said...

I love you, Chez. I do. And knowing that you're a Miami native, I can't begrudge your excitement and I won't submit to my urge to say anything rash. I will say, however, that three players do not a championship make. You're dreaming if you think the Heat will win the title this season with three stars and a bench full of scrubs; not even solid, role-playing nobodies, either, but scrubs.

Brian H said...

Comic sans was the icing on the cake.

Max said...

Hey Chez,

As a born and bred Clevelander, you have to understand the lineage of sports failure in our town. The only championship we have won in my 37 years is that of Indoor Soccer...Indoor Soccer!!! Cleveland wins at losing, we even come to expect it. I understand Mr. Gilbert's reaction. He had to stick up for the city and it's fans who just got fist-fu*ked on national television by fans who didn't have any available lube. I only wish Dan didn't write it in Comic Sans. Jesus Dan, Times New Roman, dude.

It's not THAT he left, it's HOW he left.

And when he gives up on your team in a pivotal playoff game, I'll save a lighter for your jersey.

MJG said...

Well, I don't believe a championship will be coming here anytime soon, but as to the rest of the statement...

SOMEBODY had to say it.

Gilbert is channeling some serious feeling of this town through that letter, and it will go a long way towards defusing an explosive reaction.

Anonymous said...

Sean,

Three champions can do amazing things for the bench. If you don't believe this, look at Boston, circa about 3 years ago when KG and Ray Allen joined PP. They turned a sluggish bench into an amazing team.

oskar said...

Funny, but in Toronto, nobody really gives a shit that Chris Bosh did the same thing... (Following in the footsteps of T-Mac & Vince Carter before him)

Everybody here knew it was coming.

The Craptors have becoming even less relevant than the MLS team & the Argos & could end up moving south in a few years...

Hex said...

That wasn't a man venting a city's collective emotions, that was a millionaire mad at his money for not being enough to buy the fanciest toy in the store.

This is the part where Willy Wonka cues the Oompah-Loompah's to roll your blueberry ass off, stage left.

VOTAR said...

That deafening silence you hear while you are reading my comment is the sound of me not caring.

Jester said...

HARRY DOYLE: You know... I used to hate Parkman when he was with the A's. It's amazing how a new uniform can change your attitude about a guy.

(COVERS MICROPHONE, LOOKS TO MONTE)

HARRY DOYLE: He's still a dick.

celery said...

i love empty guarantees. especially empty PERSONAL GUARANTEES.

will he pay everyone back for their tickets or advertising costs if THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS DON'T WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE?

Jonah said...

LBJ and his team said from the beginning that his choice in where he will play will be based on which city will help him facilitate his desire to become a global brand. With last night's "show" he accomplished just that. He is now a global brand in the same way that Summer's Eve is a global brand.

Che Grovera said...

There must be some tremendous asshattery afoot when anyone can make a professional sports franchise owner appear remotely sympathetic.

slouchmonkey said...

Votar wins for best new profile pic!

Anonymous said...

Can you really blame LeBron for not wanting to stay in "the mistake by the lake"? That being said, a bunch of talented individuals does not a team make. Just ask the 2004 Olympic Dream Team about that.

hecubus said...

anonymous - OK, well what about '92, '96, 2000 and 2008?

Alex said...

"That being said, a bunch of talented individuals does not a team make. Just ask the 2004 Olympic Dream Team about that."

Well you could also as the 2008 Boston Celtics the same thing and all they'd have to do is show you their ring.

Nathan said...

Who are these teams and individuals of whom (which?) you speak? Do the Red Sox play any of them this year?

Ref said...

Ah, Alex. The Celtics, however, had three veteran players thirsting for championships over and above individual glories, a bench of hardworking defensive demons, and a coach with a powerful personality. Miami?

Anonymous said...

The Cleveland Curse is no joke. The only guarantee anyone can give around there is that when it comes to the big game (in whatever sport) we're gonna choke. So I can't really blame the guy for wanting to gtfo.

But as a former Akronite, I'm drinking the haterade too. That man's head is so big, he's going to need to sew two head bands together. And I don't give a fuck if he wins 12 championships for Miami. It's only a matter of time before he lets all this go to his head proper and fucks up big enough that the law gets involved. And I hope it's fucking epic.

Suzy said...

Such horrible initials to have... LBJ.

Fifth Generation Leftist said...

I understand being upset...but that hysterical rant was practically worthy of that "Leave Britney Alone!!!" idiot. I wouldn't want someone so emotional as my boss.