"I talked to the guys here at CNN and I told them I would like to end Larry King Live, the nightly show, this fall and CNN has graciously accepted, giving me more time for my wife and I to get to the kids' little league games."
-- Larry King, announcing that after 25 interminable years, he'll be mothballing his show (in the literal sense as opposed to the figurative) in the coming months
What say we pop this statement into the PR-speak and subtext-removing Universal Translator 3000 and see if we can figure out what Larry is really saying.
Just a few of the responses:
"I talked to Jon Klein and told him that I'm finally willing to stop being the 600-pound anvil chained around the neck of CNN's prime time lineup and he breathed a sigh of relief and, the minute I walked out of the office, picked up the phone, called a guy named Tony and told him that the 'accident' that was scheduled to happen next week to me was no longer necessary."
"To the 834 people nationwide still watching -- and those whose TVs were simply left on after they made the decision to go into the light -- it's been fun drinking the tears of CNN's upper management for the past six or so years, but now that I've banked enough to keep my household in the prescription drugs it's become accustomed to..."
"I looked around and thought, 'Funny... there's nobody else on-air in this building who looks like a cross between Andy Rooney and Reuben Tishkoff, Elliott Gould's character from the Ocean's movies.'"
"I have kids in little league. Can you freakin' believe that? What do you think about that, God and nature? Ya like gettin' nailed by the King, baby?"