Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Rebel Baseless


"It's not a far-right crazy plan or anything like that. This would be done with the full cooperation of the state legislature."

-- Oklahoma tea party leader J.W. Berry on a proposed plan to create a new volunteer militia to help protect and secure the sovereignty of that state in the face of intrusion by the federal government

I keep trying to figure out a way to make this almost incomprehensible brand of batshit lunacy funny -- and it's just not possible.

We've crossed a very serious, very frightening line in this country where sedition, treason and armed revolution aren't held as unthinkable, un-American concepts but instead are offered as some sort of reasonable response to what's really nothing more than a paranoid persecution fantasy. Admittedly the swaggering blowhards who pitch this kind of taking-up-arms crap would piss their pants if push ever really came to shove and they found themselves staring wide-eyed down the barrel of a mounted .50 cal, but before it gets anywhere close to that, somebody really needs to put a goddamned foot down and tell these assholes that enough is enough.

Sorry you don't like Congress, taxes, health care reform, the fact that Reagan isn't on Mount Rushmore, whatever-the-hell -- and sorry you feel like the Great Kenyan Usurper stole the country you're entitled to out from under your white, Christian feet -- but this is the hand America's legitimate electoral process has dealt you, so until the next time you're given the opportunity to express your disapproval by way of a ballot, sit down and shut the fuck up. Don't drive your little Fat-eze scooter up and down each aisle at the local Wal-Mart, stocking up on beef jerky and ammo for the coming Armageddon. Don't preach secession and revolution and violence. Don't try to form your own goddamned army to fight the U.S. troops you so often genuflect before but who will be the first ones to kick in your front door if you try to, oh you know, wage war against the United States of America.

Just read Sarah Palin's book a few more times (making her grifting ass millions), stay right there on the couch with your canned beer glued to Fox News, say a few rounds of the Lord's Prayer and circulate a couple more of the idiotic e-mails your cousin Junior sent you offering proof that Obama's the Anti-Christ, maybe borrow your neighbor's "Confederate Heroes of the Civil War" documentary on VHS again. Do whatever you have to do, to do essentially nothing. Nothing that will affect the lives of the 92% of this country that's thoroughly sane and therefore wants no part of the apocalyptic, insurrectionist horseshit you're shoveling.

26 comments:

namron said...

Last paragraph is classic Chez. Thanks for the mid-afternoon buzz you gave me.

Eric said...

Dude, I was with you until you suggested they read Going Rogue. I've read Going Rogue. I practically got chronic nosebleeds and nearly became an alcoholic. If the Khmer Rogue had had Going Rogue at Tuol Sleng they could have extracted all those confessions without burning through as many car batteries.

Nobody deserves that.

Nobody.

Anonymous said...

I love it when you write dirty to me, baby.

VOTAR said...

Fuck em. Dust off and nuke the place from orbit. It's the only way to be sure. What's the worst that could happen by losing Oklahoma? The price of corn would go up I guess.

ntx said...

I wonder if you could fit that on a bumper sticker? Tell it, Brother Chez!

Unstill Editor said...

The price of corn is held down by government subsidy, so no worries.

Alanna said...

I think I'm wet. That was magnificent.

slouchmonkey said...

...and 'merican oil.

countryjoe said...

You should have your own talk show on tv. Your way with words is amazing. I would love to have your gift.

Mart said...

Brother in law in OK has gone off the deep end. Obama is the N word and GD socialist is about all he has to say recently. I try to explain that his family is a bunch of lousy socialists. He is a public (socialist) school teacher. His wife has enough Sioux blood that the State of OK subsidized building his home with a crew of Native Americans. His mom has been sucking off the socialized retirement (social security) and socialized medicine (Medicaid) teats for decades. He seems obtuse to my arguments.

Anonymous said...

There's one flaw in your argument.

I’ll sum it up this way:
Are they bigots? Most likely.
Are they crazy? Maybe
Are they wrong? Perhaps
Are they "Un-American?" Not at all!

The fact that they don't like taxes, their current form of Government, representatives, etc., and the fact that they want to create a militia is not that off the wall, technically. That’s how this country was founded!

Hell if it wasn't for this type of thinking by this country's forefathers, you may probably be a Brit, and consequently, maybe you'd be now communicating in German if Hitler had his way.

I once told you, time (and more importantly intelligence) dictates we should have been long ready for a black man to be president. Unfortunately, some racists aren't ready.

J.K.

Chez said...

That's a really specious comparison, JK. You're talking about what were essentially foreign governments -- the former, not really elected at all but a monarchy empowered by birthright -- imposing their will on either other countries or far removed subjects who were forced into subservience. The American political system has issues and could use an overhauling in a lot of respects -- but these are our duly elected officials doing what a majority of our people hired them to do.

Don't confuse or correlate an armed militia movement like this with the American Revolution. The tea baggers love to do that and it's just plain nonsense. The revolutionaries of 1776 fought against a truly tyrannical (in a relative sense) government that ruled from afar; these clowns are just upset that an election didn't go their way and so they're using guns and the memory of our invoked-to-death forefathers to make veiled and sometimes not-so-veiled threats in the hopes of getting what they want. They lost, fair and square, and they just refuse to accept it. Don't like it? Get a majority of Americans to agree with you in time for the next election and vote the incumbents out of office.

Anonymous said...

Ah, we do apologize.

You see, Texas has been sending its retards to Oklahoma for over a hundred years. It seemed kinder to let them live their natural lives surrounded by rolling hills of nothing than to shoot them in the head at birth.

Don't worry - we'll clean up the mess when these morons go apeshit. We'll have to. Texas is the first place they're going to try and invade.

d-rap said...

I love you. I really love you.

Milton said...

hey Chez, a few weeks ago you posted an article where you said that the tea baggers initially had some valid points of view. i posted a comment saying how homophobic, bigoted and fanatical they are. you actually replied to me and almost convinced me that yeah, maybe you had a valid argument... but i'm sorry, man. i think you were wrong. if they ever had any legitimacy it is long, long gone. they prove over and over again that all they are are racists, extremists and dangerously bordering on terrorists. and sore losers to top it all off.

e said...

The ammo thing is 100% true. My friends have gotten into going to the gun range, not crazy right wing stuff, but shooting guns is fun I guess. And they say every time they try to find ammo anywhere, it's always being sold out within minutes. The only time the government is going to go after you, and you'd need a gun to defend yourselves.... is because you've been buying a bunch of guns and threatening the government not to come at you.

Tabi said...

*Croons Carly Simon*

Nobody does it better than you,[Chez].

I like the fact that you left Garth in the closet for this one and let yourself go. Your "raw" writing is your best, I've missed it.

Fucking tell 'em.

Chez said...

You're making me blush.

Karen Hutcheson said...

Best thing I've read in forever... and it warms the cockles of my heart. Really.

Norm said...

Chez, I thoroughly enjoy your writing, but I am a natural-born conservative and this administration is showing some signs of extremity and it genuinely scares the shit out of me. That being said, I am not apart of the tea party and personally think it is just disgusting politics, but I do think the cause has a point. Pelosi was going to deem a bill into law without proper votes. Our federal budget this year is completely and utterly ridiculous (don't compare with Bush and the Iraq War, because I'm a true conservative and that pissed me off too). Our foreign policy scares the shit out of me. I'm all about diplomacy and making an effort, but we're spitting on our allies and hugging and bowing to extremist leaders. We've created an unsustainable economy with ridiculous spending programs. The stock market is absolutely disconnected from the economy. We have feds that are giving away money at a dangerously low interest rate, in turn causing banks to speculate with hedge funds and play with futures and cause inflation in prices. Props to Obama on his nuclear weapon reduction push though.

Obviously your fundamentals align with the left, and I respect that, along with all others that are leftist (which I suppose is what makes me different than most conservatives). The fact is, scholars that have never had a job but as a professor and human rights activists shouldn't be running the federal budget. Movie stars and wrestlers shouldn't be Governor. War heroes and POWs don't know anything about the economy, and nor should any of them be getting involved with human rights. If Governor Granholm of Michigan gets appointed to the Supreme Court, then I may rob a bank. I mean, fuck, McCain ruined the UFC and should be fed to sharks. Sorry - I blame McCain for our idiotic campaign last election. I'm bitter. Seriously... Sarah Palin? Clearly most republicans are idiots though -- we had a financial genius like Mitt Romney and we elect McCain in the primaries?

Anyway, I lost focus. The point is that the economy is in a scary state. Extremely scary. I'm not sure starting a revolution is the way to go, but I can't also ignore what is happening in our government. A lot of people are over-reacting because they are passionate about this country and legitimately fear that we are going to be speaking Chinese in 30 years since they own practically all of our debt. The fundamentals of our economy are just so so so off. Anyone that is laughing about it seriously needs to look 10-years down the road and realize that a permanently collapsed economy is more than a possibility.

Amy said...

I'm with Tabi on this one. Great article, and yes, I have missed this.

ntx said...

I dunno Norm, the whole communist thing seems to have lost a lot of steam in the last 93 years. What're we down to now: China, Cuba, North Korea and Vietnam?

I kid. Thanks for voicing an opposing view respectfully. That makes a difference.

Norm said...

@ntx haha hmmm... I am totally going to drop some conspiracy and shake things up: Russia is behind the Polish President plane crash, the revolt in Kyrgyz and they are helping Iran with their nuclear program. Cold War is in full force!

Chez said...

Completely agree with ntx, Norm. Really appreciate the well-thought-out comment, man.

ntx said...

Norm wrote: "The fundamentals of our economy are just so so so off. Anyone that is laughing about it seriously needs to look 10-years down the road and realize that a permanently collapsed economy is more than a possibility."

I would point out that a permanently collapsed economy was a distinct possibility in September 2008. In fact, a lot of people who were close to the crisis estimate that we came within 48 hours of an actual 1929-style crash. It seems like a lot of people have forgotten just how dire things were 18 months ago. They're not rosy now, but we're in a hell of a lot better shape than we were then.

Mart said...

Norm - I agree about economic principles. It just seems to me Reagonomics gets to party with tax cuts and big spending deficits (primarily pumping money into defense), and then the Dems have to clean it up with unpopular tax increases. I just do not get where one year of Obama using Keynesian disaster averting stimulous freaks you out, where eight years of tax breaks primarily for the rich, while fighting two wars and running up record deficits was sane. Our top marginal tax rate is about 60% too low based on historical at war norms.