Sunday, February 21, 2010

Thinking Outside the Inbox

The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

Hi Chez–

I’m sure you’ve heard the exciting news that Hillary Duff is engaged!! As images will probably begin to surface shortly, we’d love to offer you celeb jewelry and CEO of, David Mamane, to appraise the ring for you.

Please contact me if you are interested in having him appraise the ring for you, give tips, price quotes, etc.

Have a great weekend!

Best, Lindsay

And now, my response:

Dear Lindsay,

While I appreciate the kind offer -- and you're so right, it is exciting news -- I actually won't be requiring the services of your jewelry expert seeing as how I bought the ring and therefore know exactly how much it cost. Yes, that's right, I'm engaged to Hilary Duff, which means that henceforth she should be referred to in the press as "The Future Ex-Mrs. Pazienza #5" (as opposed to say, Hillary with two Ls, the way lazy PR flacks who can't even be bothered to Google the correct spelling of her name might write). I know it's getting so you need a slide rule to keep track of all my wives, but I hope you can at least respect my tenacity. For the record, Hilary is Lucky #5 -- the one I just know is Miss Right -- because last weekend I got hitched to a Thai hooker in Vegas, but unfortunately young Pakpao was killed in a tragic, entirely accidental fall from the top of the Stratosphere tower three hours after the ceremony. So, hey, gotta get back on the horse, right? Anyhoo, feel free to send a gift our way; Hils and I are registered at Macy's, Target, Hot Topic, Wet Seal and the Hustler Superstore on Sunset. Also, would you happen to know the name of a good divorce attorney who's willing to be kept on permanent retainer?


Chez : )


Vermillion said...

Pakpao married you? After all she did to me that magical President's Day night? She said she loved me! THAT WHORE!!!!

I mean... I'm sorry for your loss.

Seriously, fuck a slide rule. We are gonna need a NASA team to keep track at this point.

Alanna said...

Excuse me...the Thai hooker got bumped in front of my Ex-status? What is this? That's it. Hilary can have your ass!

Anon said...

Speaking as someone who did a stint in PR; given how much you make fun of those in the limelight and their asinine behavior, how the hell did that PR agent actually think that press release would make you write a column about it?
(Albeit one where you didn't mock her, but still...

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

Why is it always a Thai hooker?

I can tell you as a resident of Bangkok that there are absolutely NO prostitutes in the entire country. None! That's just a vicious rumour brought about by Western media stereotyping. Now if you'll excuse me, my masseuse just arrived ...

P.S. Khor sadaeng khwam yindee, kap! All my best with lucky number haah (5)!

Paul said...

"Get back on the horse?..."

Heh heh:

cgwalt said...

I wish you both all the happiness that this wonderful world can possibly BWAAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAAHHA.


p.s. [Hilary snores like a trumpet]

Le Penseur said...

If it ain't about Justin Bieber's delectable self, who cares?