Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Wal-eek


You know the Kaaba -- that giant cube in Mecca that Muslims flock to en masse during the Hajj? Well, that's what the local Wal-Mart is to rednecks. They hear the clarion call of deep discounts and a lack of willingness to enforce any sort of "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy and come by the thousands to basically shamble zombie-like around the monolithic structure in a big circle over and over again until they either collapse from a cholesterol-induced heart attack or hunting season starts. The Wal-Mart in Sebring, Florida, where my parents have ill-advisedly chosen to live out their twilight years, is no exception. In fact, I'm willing to bet that it's worse than most.*

Chances are you've already seen the whole Wal-Mart aesthetic captured quite well on that "People of Wal-Mart" site (which is admittedly as depressing as it is hilarious). Well, here now, for the sake of anthropological posterity, is my little contribution: a few quick pictures I snapped during my expedition with Inara yesterday to gorge on ten dollar diapers.

The greeters at this particular store should seriously be wearing buttons that read "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here."


Traffic.


WALCART. Like NASCAR, only with fewer teeth.


Simple. Much like Palin herself.


Was Max Azria recently sentenced to community service for some crime I don't know about? Ladies, you can toss out all those BCBG dresses now -- they're worthless. This made me laugh and cry at the same time.


Ladies and gentlemen, the most entertaining thing I came across during my mission to Wal-Mart, because it's so subtly surreal (in a place that on the whole is so unsubtly surreal). This is one of those automated DVD rental machines -- specifically the button you'd press if you wanted to rent Bruno. Now if you remember the movie, you know that it had nothing at all to do with pastoral settings or gorgeous sunrises. Interestingly, the Bruno button was the only one that didn't feature an image of the corresponding movie poster, and that's because Bruno was the only movie available from the machine whose poster featured an image of a half-naked gay guy. And since we know that homosexuality is an abomination against Jesus and therefore offensive to 99.9% of the patrons of Wal-Mart, something had to be substituted for the picture of Sacha Baron Cohen dressed like the Little Gay Dutch Boy. Guess an empty field and a sunrise was as good as anything. Go, God!

One thing that I unfortunately wasn't able to get a picture of was a little Hispanic girl who seemed to be just wandering around aimlessly. She happened to have a backpack strapped to her and the second Inara saw her, she shouted out -- I kid you not -- "Dora!" Yes, I corrected her -- but it still took me around five minutes to stop laughing.

*Texas not included.

31 comments:

Sr. Wrangler said...

I've been in Wal-Mart stores all over the country, in China, Germany, UK (Asda there) and I feel sick every time I add to the Walton family's fortune, but my wallet can only protest to a point. They have killed off all of the old local competition. I try to use Target when possible, but the Bentonville mafia has cut deals with suppliers nobody has the muscle to match.

BTW: Can't speak to the one in Sebring, but I've been to a pretty nasty one or two in Texas. Worst I've seen is a tie between Waldorf and Ocean City, MD.

Bill White said...

There you go again, Chez -- what with your mocking the values of Real America. Your elitist MSM views are in the .0000001% of public opinion in this once-free nation.

I can rest easy at night knowing that the Left's influence has been dying for years and more importantly during the last 12 months as this once-free nation has taken a vacation from history.

Go ahead and make fun of hard-working folk who operate those scooters. Chez, did you know that they earned their way into those scooters? Heck, I might be in one very soon with my bad knees - which are doing fine without Socialist health care, thank you.

As for the Sarah sticker, I say, "Whoo-Hoo!" This is someone who is not afraid to stand up for putting his thoughts out there.

But all of this is no big deal. Go ahead, make fun, but guess? The Democrat Bloodbath 2010 is in full swing, my far left liberal blogger buddy. Tonight, the UnDemocratic People's Republic of Taxachusetts dies a quick death. If a state that housed so many secular Socialists for so many years is turning red, then I think you-know-what just froze over (Global Warming, I thinks not).

I cannot wait for the Wednesday morning after the Democrat-Socialists lose their seats and power. I and most of America will rejoice and see the path to freedom open up and allow God, Sweet Baby Jesus and Oral Roberts come back to us.

God Bless,
BOW

Anonymous said...

Hey Bill, take a fucking chill pill buddy. The anger and venom that is seeping forth from your written words just smacks of ignorance and narrow mindedness. God help this country if it ever totally falls into the hands of people like you.

Either you are a complete dumb ass or you actually take sadistic pleasure in writing this crap. But to say the least... you are rather amusing in a small minded way...

d-rap said...

The "traffic" pics are hysterical. And Max Azria? Really? Unbelievable. To see him next to what's-her-face in that picture saddens me. It more than cheapens his line/work.

Anonymous said...

Hey Bill,

Eat a dick.


Love,
America.

Meghan said...

I live in a small city in central Indiana, and I avoid Wal-Mart as much as possible. It's literally hell on earth. But Sr. Wrangler is right, there is virtually no competition here. People here pitch an absolute fit if they have to pay anything other than rock bottom prices. And I don't know about other parts of the country, but here almost every store has a plastic divider in front of Cosmo, so that you can only see the title. Because heaven forbid we be subjected to the letters S E and X consecutively.

Mark said...

I have to agree with you on your footnote - Texas Wal-Marts are like going to another planet. The closest one to me is also 10 miles away from Reynosa, Mexico. Not only do we get the septuagenarian winter Texans during the day, but large families who nearly match the Duggars just love to roam around all hours of the night clearing out the cake mix and snack aisles.

revmuddswife said...

But Chez, as much as I like ragging on Wal-Mart as the next Islamist-loving Latte-snorting Left-Wing Hippie Snob, that Bruno icon/micro-poster ain't Wal-Mart's problem.

It's from the RedBox, which is another company altogether. RedBox has been inexplicabily replacing the some of the DVD box art (regardless of content) with really bad stock photo photoshop creations. Maybe someone can tell us wth is up . .

Garth said...

I can't figure out which is more terrifying: Rural Wal-Mart or Urban Wal-Mart. Raised in central PA but now in Philly. Very different stores but both equally scary. Perhaps the making of a fantastic Survivor-esque reality show...."Hicks vs. Tricks" Survivor Wal-Mart.

em said...

I'd kill to see that Inara moment on video.

I live in Chicago, so I literally don't really know what a Wal-Mart is like. Just Targets 'round these here parts.

Chez said...

Thanks for the heads-up on that, RevMudds. As for Wal-Mart, of course I joke -- as I do with everything -- but it's true that there's no denying the bargains. Can't argue with that.

Alanna said...

HA! Traffic! *snickers* cue "Wicked Witch of the West" theme.

what's the deal with the entry-level pricepoint Max Azria/Cyrus collaboration? Talk about diluting a brand. I don't care, call me an elitist NY bitch...I like BCBG.

Figgylicious said...

Worst Wal-Mart I've ever seen was in Oneonta, New York. I'm talking BOONIES here. Everyone in there was fucking terrifying and looking at me (a short hispanic college student) with real hatred in their eyes. They looked like cannibals. I still have nightmares.

e said...

If we do bill's math, .0000001% x 300,000,000 people, means only 30 people in the united states share these "elitist" views.

I do not believe that sir.

Withnail said...

I hope your daughter enjoys shitting in the diapers that drove out local businesses.

Bill White said...

Anonymous-

I'm here in my shed in Mississippi ready to go out today and contribute to the economy while you are ready to sit on your mother's couch eating big gov't-supplied cereal. Get a job, my far-left liberal "friend"-I'm praying for you. I'm so sorry that you have to resort to name-calling, but you know something, I'm a big man who can take it. When I set out on my crusade, Delores warned me of mean-spirited, Godless folk like you. I'm doing quite well taking your insults. We are all God's children - well, except for Sean Penn. My point here is that you can be turned around from your free-loading homosexual lifestyle. Don't get me wrong here: I love the Gays-I just don't approve of the lifestyle.

Now onto Mr. Brown's huge victory. The proof is in the pudding. Look at the Boston Massacre last night. This is historic: Far-left liberal Senator Ted Kennedy's legacy has been tarnished. This is what happens when a family like the Kennedys did not lead a pro-business, God-fearing existence. If this can happen in what was once a far-lefty blue state, then this can happen anywhere. Look for the Honorable Senator Brown to dismantle gay marriage and the Massachusetts high-tax health care deal. I say to Mr. Brown: Onward Christian Soldier as you vote against this installed, illegitimate so-called "President" Hussein Nobama's Socialistic plans to destroy this once-great nation.

Oh Lord, you're answering my prayers and I love you now more than ever!

God Bless,
Bill

marija said...

What's the deal with scooters? As someone from Europe, I've never seen these before? Is that like a motorized wheel chair or just for (fat) lazy fucks?
Just curious...

Chez said...

It's a self-perpetuating cycle (pardon the pun). A lot of these assholes are overweight and lazy, so they ride around on what I like to call "Fat-Ease" scooters -- which of course makes them more overweight and even lazier and eventually unable to actually walk. Hence, in the end, they need the scooters.

Alanna said...

No irony the title of the movie is WALL-E (world).

FabMax said...

Eh, here in good ol' Germany, Walmart stood no chance. They gave up a few years ago, because they tried to barge in on a market that was already full of cheap-ass supermarkets.

And yes, the folks you meet at ALDI or LIDL are almost as bad as seen on these pictures. Sans the scooters, of course.

Anon said...

I worked at a Department store with the initals of J, C and P once, and you would not believe what happened when we told people we had no motorized scooters.

Oh, dear God, the entitlement rage. Our store did posses one (1) standard wheelchair for the public to use and led to it's own wank.
People demanded that we find the person who was using it and essentially toss them out so they could use it. (Never mind the first person actually needed it due to bad legs where the second was an obese bitch).

The worst part?
Our wheelchair was eventually stolen. Just before Christmas. Whoever had it last just walked right out with it.
When we got a replacement, we started asking to hold a Driver ID as collateral until we got the chair back.

Chez said...

God bless America.

Tara Parker said...

I was just talking to someone the other day who still lives in Sebring - why, I'll never know.

I'm sorry that you've had to expose Inara to that hellish pit of despair. Stay in SL - you shouldn't venture out.

Peach said...

You can take all the pictures you want.
But the truth is you're just another WalMart shopper toting a kid. A kid that by your own admission was shouting at random people. Self satisfied and looking for bargains with the rest of them.

Laugh at priced down dresses (no doubt sewn by the same little Asian fingers as Guess) and make fun of the scooters. But you're still goin there for your diaperin needs.

Smugness need not apply.

Chez said...

Oh, Peach -- you're always such a breath of fresh air.

Liz in Austin said...

All Mal-Warts are crappy, including the Texas ones, however, I do take offense that you singled Texas out.

Mind you, I'm from/in Austin, so it's not like the rest of Texas. We're actually so blue that we're navy, but that's beside the point. Texas has as many creeps as the next state.

BTW, have you ever been to Texas/Austin, sir?

I would have loved to see the Inara gaffe as well. :)

Chez said...

I thought it was a given that Austin doesn't count as a part of Texas.

And yes, I've been there and it's great.

Jeremy said...

Ah, Liz beat me to the explanation that Austin is a different little pocket dimension (of course, as I'm busily out of the loop, doing all that good capitalist work that Bill White chides us to stay busy with. God Bless you Bill Orvis White... God Bless You.)

Anonymous said...

For the uninitiated "Bill White" is basically a conservative caricature. If you take a peak at his blog it's basically the zenith of all conservative rhetoric and nonsense. So don't bother arguing. He's either an elaborate troll or decided Stephen Colbert didn't incorporate enough redneck gusto into his act and is trying to fill that gap in blog form. He's annoying not by being a conservative mouth piece but by being like that one lame friend everyone has who catches on to stuff a little late. The kind of guy who has only now gotten around to discovering and emailing you those hilarious cat pictures with the mis-spellings or Chuck Norris jokes.

French Anonymous said...

I've spent a year in Austin, Texas, as an exchange student from, er, my native country. I loved it. I even got my first French kiss from a gorgeous black male, sweet enough to make a foreign white girl happy - and nobody hanged us afterwards !

Graphix468 said...

This chronicle of your trip to Wal-Mart is HYSTERICAL. And I love people of Wal-Mart ~ effing hilarious...