Monday, January 25, 2010

Thinking Outside the Inbox


The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

Hi Chez,

Curious if Justin Bieber is serious about working with Taylor Swift? Want to find out the inside scoop on what he and Miley Cyrus will present at the 2010 Grammys? I thought you and your readers would be interested in this VIP meet&greet with teen sensation Justin Bieber, which is up for auction at charitybuzz.com to raise funds for Let Em Play – a charity which helps youth participate in sports, entertainment, and educational programs who otherwise would not be able to afford to.

Meet Justin Bieber & Attend His Concert at the Rosemont Theatre in Chicago on March 24th or 25th: The winner and a guest will receive 2 tickets to the sold-out Justin Bieber concert in Chicago at the Rosemont Theatre on either March 24th or 25th. Both the winner and their guest will meet Justin Bieber before the concert, take pictures with him, and receive one autograph each.

Additional packages can be found at letemplay and include:

Pink Stratocaster Guitar Signed by Miley Cyrus!: No name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd then Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana. She has dominated both genres for the past several years and is one of the most sought after people of her generation. This guitar signed by Miley Cyrus comes with our certificate of authenticity, an independent certificate of authenticity from one of the most respected authenticators in the industry, PLUS, a video of Miley actually signing the guitar!

For more information or images, please contact me at xxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.com

Best,

Matt


And now, my response:

Dear Matt,

Sounds good. I'm planning to kill myself next Thursday, so really anytime before that will work. Just e-mail all the necessary info to jesusdoyouevenreadthesitesyouresendingthisshitto@gmail.com and I'll get right on it. Oh, and it's than not then; as in "no name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd than Miley Cyrus," or maybe "I'd rather be colonoscoped with the front of a Los Angeles class nuclear submarine than have to listen to Mylie Cyrus or Justin Bieber."

Glad I could help.

Toodles,

Chez : )

22 comments:

Denesteak said...

HAH!

I love how Matt is so worried about you caring about the authenticity of the signed guitar that he is willing to throw in... A VIDEO! of her ACTUALLY signing the guitar. hahahahah

Fred said...

I want to see a response from one of these douchebags.

Ref said...

Chez, you've got to be blunt with these tools. Stop being so gentle.

slouchmonkey said...

And, Chez, you get only ONE autograph each. ONE, muthafucka!

I'd love to actually win the Strat. I would get the guitar and smash it to pieces and send them a fucking video.

Oh, and Matt. Go rim yourself!

kanye said...

colonosoped: the act of having a small, traditional Mexican entrée forcibly rammed into one's large intestine.

Eric said...

I really, really, really want to know how we can get that Miley Cyrus guitar into the wrong hands. Wouldn't you love to see some pierced-nosed teenager or tattooed-young-twentysomething in a really shredding punk-pop band armed with a much-abused, scratched, dented and dinged hot-pink guitar, maybe with something like "I FUCKED" Sharpied onto the axe in big letters over La Miley's Very Own Certfied-And-Authentic Signature?

I would. I would download demos from their webpage and buy his-or-her band's album from CD Baby as soon as they found the money to record somewhere between nine and twelve songs. And I would love them forever, even if they totally sucked, just for playing a defaced Miley Cyrus-signed guitar loudly with the intonation all screwed up.

You know people, right? Can you make it happen? Somehow? Please?

Meredith said...

This + the SAD post = more laughs than I expected to come my way this evening. Thanks for that. Hysterical.

Jester said...

And yet, you DID share information about Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus with us, Your Readers.

1) Therefore, Matt wins.

2) We, Your Readers, are collectively repulsed. Shame on you.

;-)

Jeremy Feist said...

I'd rather be colonosoped with the front of a Los Angeles class nuclear submarine than have to listen to Mylie Cyrus or Justin Bieber

...Be careful what you wish for, Chez.

We've actually gotten these a couple times too. For some reason someone thought that people actually give a shit about Pat Sajak hocking cars enough for us to write about it.

As it turns out, they really don't.

countryjoe said...

Pink Stratocaster Guitar Signed by Miley Cyrus!

Leo fender must be rolling in his grave. If he wasn't already dead this surely would have done him in.

CNNfan said...

@Matt: ( At Matt ... That sounds cool! )
You are right, Justin Bieber is very popular with the people of Miley Cyrus' generation. So the teen crowd shouldn't hesitate to stand-up to Chez!

Let me show you how it's done...
Two can play at Chez' game:

Matt said, "Pink Stratocaster Guitar Signed by Miley Cyrus!: No name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd then Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana." to Chez.

Chez said, ' Oh, and it's "than," not "then"; as in "no name is more recognized in the pop music and television shows of the teen crowd than Miley Cyrus," ' to Matt.

@Chez: It just so happens that you owe Matt an apology for misquoting him. Especially since you did it in a pitiful attempt at a condescending grammar correction.

That's right Chez, you gave Matt a bum steer on grammar. It is not, "than," ... It is "than" ... There is no comma! As a writer, you know what this means? Your misquote is worse than Matt's simple typo any day of the week.

Holy bleep, Chez! You misquoted Matt again... There is no comma after "Miley Cyrus" in what Matt wrote. Bingo! You double misquoted Matt. That makes it two apologies you owe to Matt. Something tells me this thread just got a whole lot more interesting.

Alanna said...

oh my dear Lord. That was hysterical. You rock.

Anonymous said...

Time to come clean Chez, you've already been to that site and registered to win with every email addy you've got - right? ;)

JLG said...

He is popular? I am 15 and i can';t STAND his music for even half a second!

Anonymous said...

@"CNNfan": Read your MLA.

Bill White said...

There you go again mocking wholesome entertainers like Miss Miley-a gorgeous, God-fearing young woman. Shame on you again. Hollyweird needs more Mileys and Billy Rays in the mix to push out the infection known as extreme liberalism and a hatred towards the Lord Almighty and the Honorable Fred Grandy (Gopher from "The Love Boat" fame).
Going out to an emergency sewage leak, Chez. I would love to have you along on this ride in the 150 as I explain how to be a real man.
God Bless,
Bill

revmuddswife said...

Eric for the win. I'm not a punk, but I'd pay serious money to see it all come to pass.

Chez said...

You know what, Tom? It's rare that I say this but you're partially right -- there shouldn't have been quotes used there at all. It's better to go with italics. Adjusted.

That said, it's acceptable to put a comma into a specifically quoted line just as you would any other quote.

CNNfan said...

@Chez:

Partially right?

Fair enough, italics it is for level one of this online educational game. Let's go to level two:

Chez said to Matt, "I'd rather be colonosoped with the front of a Los Angeles class nuclear submarine than have to listen to Mylie Cyrus or Justin Bieber."

Chez, you wrote the word: colonosoped, which does not have all the necessary letters present in an accepted standard order. It should be spelled: colonoscoped.

See teen crowd? You got the hang of this game. Now, get your English/Language Arts teachers to help out for the win. Chez deserves a good kick in the pants!

Chez said...

Congrats, Tom. You caught my typo.

Rory said...

Thanks JLG for renewing my hope in the younger generations.

Graphix468 said...

Oh I hope you sent that. I almost choked on my lunch ~ AWESOME!