Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Space Odyssey

I can already picture it:

Travolta: So, have you read Dianetics? I really think it could help you right now -- I mean, once you get on the bridge, get control of the reactive mind and purge all your engrams and body thetans, it could be total KSW for you. We're talking clear exteriorization here. If you'll just let me put my ethics in you -- here, hold on, I brought an e-meter with me, I'll give you a quick audit -- man, this is gonna be great. You know, I think we can implement LRH study-tech all throughout this village and put you guys on a purification rundown. Let me get a few of the OTs from the orgs over here -- they'll give you a massage and some niacin and warn you about the evils of psychiatry.

Haitian Man (in Creole): What the fuck are you talking about? I'M TRAPPED UNDER A BUILDING! My family's dead! I haven't eaten or drunk more than a couple of drops of water in days! Hey, those two tin cans you're holding with the wires attached to them -- any food in those, you lunatic asshole? Yeah, thanks for the book -- maybe I'll eat that.

Travolta: Oh, shit. SP! SP! We got an SP here!

Haitian Man: Prick. The least you could do is dress my gaping leg wound with one of those Jets AFC Champions t-shirts over there. And by the way, I thought you sucked in Valkyrie.

USA Today: Travolta Flies Supplies, Scientologists to Haiti/1.26.10


Jester said...

Should have titled this entry "Space CADET".

Alanna said...

This is ground control to Major John...take your protein pills + put your helmet on.

"The least you could do is dress my gaping leg wound with one of those Jets AFC Champions t-shirts over there" - that's MY quote of the day. holy shit.

dammitjanet said...

Oh, snap. There was a news story here in Indy about all the shirts being made for Sunday's games, and that the losing team's shirt would be given to people in 3rd world countries. I SWEAR TO JEESOPUS that my exact line was, "So, there are gonna be a lot of Haitian kids wearing Jets shirts next week, huh?"

John Travolta: Fly the Fucked Up Skies!!

Master Mahan said...

What's the difference between a Scientologist and vulture? One feasts on death and tragedy, and the other is a bird.

Deacon Blue said...

Is he perhaps flying in some fellow Scientologists so that the Haitians can EAT them?

That might help.

Especially if the supplies are some ketchup, mustard, mayo, Sriracha sauce, BBQ sauce and habanero hot sauce.

Oh, and some bottled water to wash it all down...those Scientologists can be a bit stringy and dry.

Anonymous said...

...But John Travolta wasn't in Valkyrie. The other batshit couch-jumping lunatic was.

Master Mahan said...

Good luck finding much edible inside a Scientologist, Deacon Blue. Cut one open and there's no meat, there's no organs - they're completely full of shit.

Chez said...

Anybody want to hand the joke on a silver platter to Anon 12:35?

Rory said...

This kind of thing not only fails to help Haitians in any realistic, it actually works to harm them. There is so much support from around the world that the airport in Port-au-prince is overloaded with volume. In fact, some countries have had planes turn right back around, unable to deliver the supplies. So while this is happening, Jon flies in and actively prevents useful supplies from reaching people.

I think he should be charged with crimes against humanity.

Anonymous said...

Not to hurt the snarkfest but didn't Travolta also bring a whole lot of food and some doctors with him?

Chez said...

Yeah, he did. But it doesn't change how ridiculous Scientology is, or that every response to a disaster from the church is one of two things, if not both: 1) a PR and recruitment opportunity, 2) part of a belief system that assumes, as Tom Cruise himself hilariously stated, that Scientologists have to help because no one else can. Their superior Hubbard-enhanced brain power means they're the only ones qualified to step in during a crisis.

Sheriff Bart said...

That Tom Cruise is one funny fella.

Deacon Blue said...

Master Mahan,

I don't think that disqualified Scientologists as potential sustenance.

After all, a lot of my in-laws enjoy chitlins (aka chitterlings)...and what are those but the pig part that formerly shuttled shit from the stomach to the asshole.

All it means is that the Scientologists will need to be thoroughly rinsed inside and out before cooking, and then cooked slowly and for a long time to make them tender.

I say we should give the plan a chance.

Deacon Blue does not actual sanction the eating of human flesh, except in cases of remote plane crashes, stranded wagon-train parties in the Donner Pass, or at a really wild rave party.