Thursday, January 21, 2010

It's All About the Heir


And now, in news that's not really news because it should've been news back in 2008 but instead turned into something everybody knew but nobody really bothered to give a crap about:

The Huffington Post: John Edwards Admits Love Child is His/1.21.10

"The Boring Ultimatum" (Originally Published, 5.11.09)

When it comes to back-room political intrigue, it takes quite a bit to raise the collective eyebrow of the public; we're just about desensitized at this point to even the most underhanded of manipulations.

That said, a story that broke yesterday concerning John Edwards's mercifully ill-fated presidential campaign is really a bit of a shocker. Apparently, while many of the rank and file within the Edwards camp knew nothing about the illicit affair their candidate was carrying on with one of his videographers, the upper echelon of the campaign did know. What's more, they were so concerned about the potentially devastating impact that the scandal would have on both the country and the Democratic Party that they created a "Doomsday Plan," plotting in secret to actually scuttle their own campaign, should it have started to look as if Edwards might win the nomination. The question of course is: how? How would they have sabotaged their candidate's political ambitions?

Here now, twelve of the ideas tossed around by the shadowy Fifth Columnists within the Edwards camp to bring down their leader.

1. Try out a new campaign slogan: "John Edwards: No One Will Better Service Your Family."

2. Go retro: Plant explosives in his cigars (after first getting him to start smoking cigars).

3. According to an analysis of the plans they'd acquired, the only way to destroy Edwards would be to maneuver down a trench and locate a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. The shaft below leads directly to his reactor system. It's only two meters wide, so they'd have to use proton torpedoes.

4. "I know a guy, who knows a guy, who knows a guy who's in the 'pest removal' business."

5. Six words: Senior Edwards Campaign Manager Mark Penn.

6. They weren't sure, but they knew it would be called "Operation Vidal-kyrie" and would involve putting his hair somewhere near an open flame.

7. Gather the Seven Daggers of Megiddo. Kill John Edwards before he can rise to power and defeat the Nazarene.

8. You know that Ann Coulter-faggot thing? Totally true.

9. Set up an intervention with Bill Clinton.

10. Quietly book him and Elizabeth for one of those Maury show paternity tests. Tell him it's a campaign stop aimed at nailing down the "unemployed wigger" constituency.

11. Arrange a little hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

12. Fuck it, just tell the nearest reporter that Edwards has been doing some skank.

5 comments:

CNNfan said...

It did seem that pleasure expressed the nature of John Edward's campaign, which in hindsight was like an antonym to Martha Coakley's campaign.

mixtapetherapy said...

God, how awful this must be for his wife, and his "other" children.

I'd kill him in his sleep, but first, I'd tar his hair....that godamn, vanity pelt on his egomaniacal head...

idiosynchronic said...

The worst shame of this all is that with all the other CharleiFoxtrot going on in the news, Edwards' admission is going to be drowned out and more or less forgotten until the man tries to run again.

Kevin M. Hagerman said...

I just hope that Reille Hunter realizes that the father of her child would have rather the world thought she was a slut than that he was the father of her child.

And I hope she fucks him one last time, over child support.

blackbird said...

"that godamn, vanity pelt on his egomaniacal head..."

I love you, mixedtapetherapy.