Tuesday, December 08, 2009

"Get Off My Plane"

Man, I really don't even know where to begin with this.

We're all familiar with the right's ongoing and eminently entertaining persecution complex, so it shouldn't surprise anyone to learn that the counterpart to that would be psychotic delusions of Hollywood-style heroism in fighting back against the godless hordes that threaten the American way of life.

Case in point: the story of Tedd Petruna.

Petruna's a NASA diver out of Houston who claims to have almost single-handedly repelled an attempted hijacking by a group of Islamic men on an Air Tran flight they all happened to be on back on November 17th. Petruna claims that the would-be terrorists, dressed in full Muslim boogeyman garb, were speaking aggressively and watching a porn video (which Petruna inexplicably believes they had shot themselves the night before and were viewing as a prelude to jihad, and no I'm not kidding) and when the flight attendant came over to ask them to keep it down, they supposedly shouted at her, "Shut up, infidel dog!"

And that's when, sensing an imminent terrorist act, Petruna says he channeled his inner John McClane and sprung into action. You need to actually hear him tell it.

From Talking Points Memo:

"This is where I had had enough! I got up and started to the back where I heard a voice behind me from another Texan twice my size say 'I got your back.' I grabbed the man who had been on the phone by the arm and said 'you WILL go sit down or you Will be thrown from this plane!' As I 'led' him around me to take his seat, the fellow Texan grabbed him by the back of his neck and his waist and headed out with him. I then grabbed the 2nd man and said, 'You WILL do the same!'"

The whole thing supposedly ended with the TSA and the cops bursting onto the plane and escorting 11 men off.

Whew. Thank God for "Texan Tedd" Petruna and the years of counter-terrorist training he received from seasons 1-7 of 24, otherwise who knows what would've happened.

Here's the thing, though: Air Tran says that not only does Petruna's story not resemble reality in any way, Petruna wasn't even on the flight in question. Yes, there was apparently an Air Tran flight 297 out of Atlanta that aborted a take-off that day, but that's because a man speaking Spanish -- not Arabic, Spanish -- refused to get off his cell phone. An Air Tran spokesman says nobody thwarted a terrorist attack, no law enforcement officers were ever on the plane, and, oh yeah, Tedd Petruna missed his connection and wasn't on the fucking plane either. None of this is stopping the far right mouthpieces, mostly D-listers like Debbie Schlussel and the usual suspects over at Glenn Beck's 9/12 site, from latching on to the story and circulating it far and wide, turning Petruna into a minor folk hero.

And when Air Tran basically shot the whole thing to hell? Take a guess how Schlussel in particular responded.

If you answered, "Well of course she accused Air Tran of being part of a conspiracy and demanded to know why the airline was protecting Muslim terrorists and turning on its own white, non-foreign, law-abiding customers," congratulations, you get an "A" in right-wing beavershit crazy.

Just remember, these people clearly deserve to be taken seriously.

Atlanta Journal Constitution: Air Tran "Hero" Wasn't on the Plane/12.5.09

TPM: NASA Diver Insists Tale of Porn-Watching Muslim Hijackers is True Despite Discrepancies/12.7.09 (Reading this, you get the idea that Petruna basically took quite a bit of "creative license" with the story of what happened on flight 297 and his role in it in an e-mail to his close friends -- which is a nice way of saying that he lied his ass off to make himself look cool -- and things got way out of control when those friends began circulating the e-mail.)


gina said...

Some days I hope the Mayans were right and we'll get blasted off of this loony rock in 2012.

Matt Osborne said...

This is the first I've read of Petruna. I saw his name all over Twitter yesterday and didn't bother finding out who the hell he was because it sounds like a reality show contestant's name.

I'm just gonna take a wild guess and say that Petruna's the Army cook who tells kids he parachuted into Baghdad and took out twelve Republican Guards with a pen-knife.

Chez said...

I think you just nailed it.

Anonymous said...

gena, if that happens the right will find someway to blame the left. It's all our fault.

VOTAR said...

Looks like Tedd picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Heather said...

I read some of the follow up stories as well, and this guy just keeps getting better! According to TPM's other reports, his email says he's a Raytheon employee but the company is saying that he isn't. The person that forwarded the email started it out with, "The Muslims are getting very brave now that they have one of their own in the White House," (that pretty much says enough, as to why he forwarded it and why he's sticking by it as a true story doesn't it?); and three people who were on the plane say that this story is entirely fabricated. Now the man in question is refusing interview requests, babbling about a lawsuit. I think the reasonable and intelligent thing to do now is to come out and add to your "it was only for friends and family" comment by saying..."I made it up to entertain friends and family." But that won't happen. I also find it hard to understand how he would think such a story would not get wider attention when all those people who think you're a hero find nothing written in the papers about it. You didn't think they'd contact the press and point out that they missed something huge? Are people really that stupid? In this case, I guess they are.

Jeni said...

Oh for God's sakes. If you're going to lie about something, make sure there's not a plane full of people who will say you weren't even there. You've got to make us work to disprove it, otherwise you're wasting more of your time figuring out the lie, then we are disproving it. And isn't the whole point to make us chase our tails?

Jester said...

That's one nice thing about the Internet age. You write anything from a little e-mail account of your heroism to a full memoir. You publish it. But if you're embellishing the tale or flat-out lying, someone's going to find out and call you on it.

Had the Internet existed in Saudi Arabia 1400 years ago (to pick one example), we'd probably now know that Muhammad was a struggling traveling shoe salesman with lots of time to write some REALLY entertaining scrolls.

Vermillion said...

Like Matt Osbourne, this is the first I am hearing of this. And his friends have to be morons if they bought that story, for one very important fact. This guy said these terrorists were watching porn before their takeover attempt. That is impossible.

Nobody can be angry while watching porn. Nobody.

Disgusted? Yes.
Horny? It's PORN.
Happy? Damn right?
Sad? Possible.
Ashamed? Only if you're doing it right.
But angry, downright homicidal? Impossible.

Hell, I thought the problem was these guys weren't getting ENOUGH porn. The blue balls were making them think crazy thoughts about celestial virgins and shit. If they could only see the majesty of a Tory Lane blowjob, they couldn't even process destroying a country that created it.

I say we give every Al-Qaeda member a DSL line and a link to YouPorn. You will never hear form them again.

Come on. Give porn a chance.

I swear, I am totally normal in real life. I am! Don't look at me like that!

B Pants said...

Like this story wasn't obviously bullshit before we found out the guy wasn't on the plane.

Cajunpdx said...

My brain turned NASA diver into NASCAR driver.

Sheriff Bart said...

Have we graduated from batshit to beavershit? Is that what it's finally come to?

em said...

"If they could only see the majesty of a Tory Lane blowjob, they couldn't even process destroying a country that created it."

She scares me a little bit, but I get what you're saying. I'm more for the Jesse Jane bj, but eh. Girl's opinion.

I kinda wish this story were getting a smidge more press than the "party crashers". This is waaaaaay more entertaining. It has everything. Porn, airplanes, the phrase "infidel dog"--doesn't get any better.

Deacon Blue said...

So, we'll get a reality show soon with him, the balloon boy parents, and the White House party crashing couple, right?

It's got to be inevitable...

Izar Talon said...

I love how he said the were watching porn, because Muslims are allowed to watch porn before going on a jihad!

Muslims are allowed to watch porn before starting a jihad, folks! You heard it straight from the mouth of that expert in Islam, Tedd the Diver from Texas!

Of all the narcissistic, jingoistic, delusional BULLSHIT I've ever heard, this is about the absolute LAMEST!

Muslims in "full attire?" Calling the stewardess "Infidel Dog!" was the best part, though. Any more lame stereotypes he can fit in there? They were probably saying "Dirka Dirka Dirka" and all named Abdul, too.

Because you just KNOW that this is one of those guys who watched Team America and took it COMPLETELY seriously.

I still can't get over the part where they were wearing traditional Islamic dress and watching porn, though. That's just classic! Because, of course, if they aren't Christian they OBVIOUSLY are immoral porn watchers! And how they filmed it themselves the night before? Did they TELL him they did that?

Wow. WOW. Just way too blatantly fake to be believed by anyone who has enough neurons to rub together to form a synapse. Unless they really really WANT to believe it. Which, of course, his intended audience did. His friends and family, I'm sure, would have been SO PROUD of him for being all heroic and standing up to the dirty brown people/Muslim practice terrorists.

Vermillion said...

She scares me a little bit, but I get what you're saying.

She scares me too. That is 80% of the appeal.

I swear I am normal, conservative even. I SWEAR.

Bunche said...

Sing along, boys and girls:

When Captain America throws his mighty shield

All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield

When he's ;ed to a fight and a duel is due
Then the red and the white and the blue will come through
When Captain America throws his mighty shield!

-Captain America cartoon theme song (1966)

(No, I'm not making this up.)