Wednesday, December 16, 2009

As Time Goes By


While I'd never disparage the wonderful time I had on my 40th birthday last Friday -- despite the fact that I was suffering from a nasty sinus infection -- I was scanning the archive of this site yesterday and couldn't help but be struck by a post from December 12th, 2008. Published the morning after my birthday, it ran down what I had done the previous day -- how I'd "celebrated" my 39th.

To say that re-reading it hit me like a punch to the gut would be an understatement, as that post lays out in the simplest language possible just how much my life has changed since this time last year. No matter how much I'd like to deny it, it's just heartbreaking.

DXM: 39 in 24/12.12.08

One more thing: I never wrote about my family as a self-serving or self-aggrandizing gesture; I never did it to boast about how great I had it or to prove what a swell guy I was. I simply loved my wife and child and was very, very proud to be able to wake up each morning with them by my side. That's what makes being without them -- admittedly with my little girl right now, but overall alone -- so devastating. I did my best to keep Jayne and me together as a couple -- to keep our family intact -- but in the end it wasn't enough.

11 comments:

Chris said...

We're rooting for you Chez. Be well.

SweetPea said...

Aw, Jesus, Chez. That got me right in the heart.
I don't know the ins and outs of your marriage or its implosion, but I know loss and I ache for you.
Happier days, my friend.

Caterina said...

you are right. this is totally heartbreaking.

Riles said...

Your 39 post was always one of my favorites, partly because the food sounded so damn good, and the day sounded perfect.

Sorry that your situation has taken such a left turn. At least you have Inara with you now, and I know you are cherishing every minute (despite hospital trips).

Take care man.

Deborah said...

I feel for you, because I, too, know what a difference a year makes. One thing that you can say for yourself, though, is that you certainly appreciated what you had. I was very tempted to leave this comment anonymously, but - like you - I think that's chickenshit, especially because I've commented before, and NOT anon. However, what I'm about to say probably won't win me any popularity points with you, but here goes: I've been following you long enough to have borne witness to what has recently transpired in your personal life, and out of curiosity, I've read some of Jayne's Internet musings, too. My impression - of her - is of someone who may perhaps never be happy, someone who seems to think that she's entitled to more...and for her sake, I hope that, at some point she realizes that NO ONE is really entitled to much of anything; that sometimes, you're a hell of a lot luckier than you realize, and maybe than you deserve. I recall reading a post of yours about a book that you were exhorted to read...I cannot, at this moment, remember the title, but it had "Frog" in the title. And I remember being utterly flabbergasted at the implications inherent within that entire post...were you perfect? No, but who is? However - and, AGAIN - I believe that you honestly love(d) your wife and reveled in your family. A friend of mine often - and accurately - says that there are 3 sides to every story: His side, her side and the truth. However, I don't think that you give yourself enough credit sometimes.

Chez said...

I think it's impossible to distill a person -- any person -- down to a face value interpretation. It's equally impossible to tell exactly what the future holds for anyone -- or how he or she will respond to it.
But I really appreciate the support. It's all academic at this point anyway.

gina said...

my heart: ah, my heart.

graceamazes said...

"I [also] did my best to keep ____ and me together as a couple -- to keep our family intact -- but in the end it wasn't enough."

I have been there -- after a 19 year marriage. And the best thing that I have to show for the time and the pain is two wonderful daughters, 19 and 17.

Inara is a gem. I know you will cherish her now and always. It's clear that she has what my daughters don't: a father that acts like she's a priority in his life, rather than just saying it.

CNNfan said...

I watched a western once where an oldman said, "Memories... Who needs 'em ? The best thing to do is to just forget 'em."
______

You're still young. You'll fall in love again. Don't worry.

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babita781 said...

Ah, darlin'...they say the 40w are the decade. May it be so for you!

kanye said...

Twenty years ago, I knew this by heart. Not so much, anymore. As perfect an assemblage of words...

Did you love well what very soon you left?
Come home and take me in your arms and take
away this stomach ache, headache, heartache.
Never so full, I never was bereft
so utterly. The winter evenings drift
dark to the window. Not one word will make
you, where you are, turn in your day, or wake
from your night toward me. The only gift
I got to keep or give is what I've cried,
floodgates let down to mourning for the dead
chances, for the end of being young,
for everyone I loved who really died.
I drank our one year out in brine instead
of honey from the seasons of your tongue.

~Marylin Hacker: Love, Death, and the Changing of Seasons.