Sunday, December 20, 2009

And Now, a Message for John McCain from Chez's Evil Twin, Garth

Look, you doddering old douche, I get that Alzheimer's robs you of your ability to form a coherent thought, to say nothing of rendering you unable to remember what you said and did 20 minutes ago. But for fuck's sake, don't you at least pay a couple of "old guy handlers" to stop you when you're about to spout something shockingly stupid and completely detached from reality? If you do, you should fire their asses, because they didn't stick a tube sock in your mouth before your appearance on "Fux News Sunday" this morning.

Since you probably don't have the slightest idea what you said, seeing as how it's now several hours after the interview, let me refresh what little is left of your memory: You claimed that Barack Obama has fostered a "more partisan" environment than the one that existed during the Clinton administration. You said:

"At least under 'Hillarycare' they tried seriously to negotiate with Republicans. There's been -- there has been no effort that I know of that -- serious across-the-table negotiations, such as I have engaged in with Democrats and with other administrations. And that was the commitment that the president made."

Wow -- really? Really?

That's interesting there, John, because I could've sworn that just a few months ago I watched Obama give a health care address on national television and speak in nothing but the most conciliatory and respectful tones toward the opposing party -- that would be yours -- only to have some disrespectful asshole from that party shout "YOU LIE!" at him like a drunk at a fucking redneck bar.

And you know something? Obama continues to reach out to Republicans. He continues to try to compromise with them and appease them -- to his own detriment, if we're being honest. This guy is still trying to make nice with the people who, since before he even won the election, have called him a dangerous, terrorist-sympathizing, socialist who wants to kill our grandmothers and who wasn't even born in this country. You fucking lunatics literally paint him as some kind of illegitimate pretender to the office -- you're so beavershit terrified that your precious country is slipping away from the control of white, Christian oligarchs and oligarch-enablers like yourselves. Your True Believers organize hilariously bombastic celebrations of willful ignorance and provincial know-nothingness -- you call them "tea parties" -- where they hold up signs declaring "Obama is a Nazi!" They bring guns to places where the President of the Fucking United States is speaking, tacitly threatening him and his supporters with "violent revolution," irresponsible nonsense that's consistently stoked by Republican lawmakers both on Fox News and, occasionally, in person. All this -- all this -- and you have the fucking gall to say that Obama's the one creating a toxic political climate?

Have you been mixing your anti-depressants with Cindy's Demerol?

Look, I get that after being stomped like a kid at a Cincinnati Who concert last year, you decided that it was time to get on your knees, open wide and start swallowing load after load of the GOP Kool-Aid again -- otherwise you'd have no friends -- but you can't really believe the horseshit you're shoveling. Obama's gone so far out of his way to make a group of people who are never going to like him happy that he's actually losing the support of a lot of people who thought they could like him no matter what he did. Even the spineless twerps across the aisle from you in Congress cede both the floor and their testicles to you every chance they get.

Oh, and by the way, I've got two words for you: Sarah Goddamned Palin.

Yeah -- this morning's little pearl of wisdom comes from the guy who unleashed the Retard Kraken onto the world. Sorry, but I'm not giving credence to one fucking thing you say until you apologize for taking a cynical political gamble that would've put a petty, feckless ex-beauty queen -- Idealogue Barbie; someone with more shameless, naked ambition than brains -- just one of your steadily faltering heartbeats away from the highest office in the free world. You wanna talk about somebody who's really fostered partisan enmity -- even in her current role as, well, a fucking reality TV star? Sarah Palin.

And you shot her into the American political system's veins like so much bad smack.

Thanks for that, John. Oh, and fuck you very much for emphatically embracing your party's current ethic of shitloads of hypocritical psycho-projection. You guys are right: It's everyone else's fault. Do yourself a favor, pal. The next time you think that, instead of announcing it on Fox, just go take a look in the mirror and address that person.

But first eat your oatmeal, then it's good-night for you. 5 o'clock. Way past your bed time.

Because you're old.


Dante said...

That was beautiful.

Chris said...

Nice, but this should have been directed toward Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson. Creeps.

VOTAR said...

Retard Kraken.

That, my friend, was golden.

Rivalen said...

ahh, thank you for reminding me I'm not crazy. Good work.

Anonymous said...

too bad john mccain can't read this gem. perhaps his lap dog (bill onanist white) will give us the nutcake take on it.

Eileen said...

*slow clap*


Ahcuah said...

Preach it, brother!

Douglas Holgate said...


Amanda said...

That. was. epic.

Anonymous said...

love how you left out that disclaimer about this being all garth's opinion and not chez's.

also, i like garth's unapologetic venting -- for me, at least, it has a very enjoyable cathartic function! thanks for that!

Peach said...

I second the gold that is:
Retard Kraken

From now on that is how I will refer to her in every single social setting.

Thank you for that.

Chez said...

Funny, Anon 3:01 -- that was really just an accidental oversight.

Bill White said...

Dear Anonymous-God told me to read this post today. I had no idea why until I came across your comment entry.
What more can I write here? Consider the source on this drivel: Chez is a naive Secular Progressive who doesn't understand how free markets work. The honorable John Sidney McCain is a man of integrity and principle. While he certainly wasn't my candidate of choice last year (that would go to the honorable Governore Huckabee), I still think that a President McCain would have been much more successful as my president. This Barack Hussein Nobama is your president. Most of America doesn't consider "this man" to be a legitimate president. We think that there was plenty of chicanery going on in North Carolina and with ACORN that basically installed this fraud into office so that he could implement this Socialistic health care fiasco on the American people. Plus, he's a Muslim Kenyan who is not a citizen - pure and simple.

OK, now, sorry Chez, I do love you, but you're wrong on how Lil Hussein supposedly worked with honorable men like Senator Lieberman (a great Hebrew), Senator Coburn (a doctor, y'all!), Senator Kyl, Senator Brownback (an amazing Christian) and other great free market, God-fearing members of the Senate. No, instead this installed-"president" thumbed his nose at these great members of that august body and dictated to them like Saddam Hussein that we all need to buy into his health care plan whereby he and his fellow dictators raise our taxe$ through the roof, choose our docs and decide whether we live or die. I watched and cried as they passed this ridiculous illegal bill upon this once-free country last night. I'm throwing up my bacon, grits, biscuits, fried chicken, Thickburger, Krystal Sunriser and Coke behind my shed just thinking how the feds are going to force me to buy insurance for me, my family and workers. This is not American. This is more like a mixture of Hitler's Germany, Sweden and Mozambique.

But, there is some hope. The states that are run by good men won't accept this wrath of Socialism. They will fight to opt out and I intend to join them in this crucial battle. I can rest easy at night knowing that I have an arsenal ready to take up arms if need be so that we in this great state fight this type of Communist aggression at the borders.
If anyone out there agrees with me, then join us. I have room in my shed. You can join Delores, Kyle, Dale and me in the house for good food and Prayer and Pie at night. We can come to our church with your guns. And you can come hunting with us.
We will fight!
God Bless,
Merry Christmas (yes Christ-mas!)

Chez said...

Who was waiting for this?

Eric said...

I shouldn't respond to a troll, but I feel like I have to defend my home state, especially since 2008 was one of the few times my native state got it right, if barely.

Nobody who actually lives in or is familiar with NC can possibly be surprised that Mecklenburg, Orange, or Wake counties went Dem (these are NC's most-populous counties, with the highest degree of ethnic diversity or that counties like Watauga (rural, but home of Appalachian State University, a hippie hangout and my alma mater) went blue, or that divided counties like New Hanover (Wilmington, on the coast) were close but didn't tip over. The only question in NC last year was whether the population in the "real" NC (Charlotte, Raleigh-Durham) would finally outvote the old NC (all those sparsely-inhabited agricounties on either side of the I85 corridor).

No shenanigans necessary. The good guys won, if barely. My state was on the right side of history, and I deeply resent some ignorant moron who clearly lives inside his own asshole implying we weren't.

That is all. Couldn't just stand by for that. Sorry to feed the troll and all.

mary b said...

Finally! Someone said exactly what has been making me crazy since Obama got elected! Notice how McCain wasn't such a sore fucking loser when Bush/Cheney/Rove/Krisol went after his daughter in 2000.

Now maybe you could go to the website Congress Matters and get that post hand delivered to McLame/McShame/McCain't.
It only costs a few dollars.

And......Thank you.

mary b said...

Fuck You, Bill White.

Anonymous said...

thank you Bill Onanist White. it's clear your satire of the religious right nutcakes is right on the money. stupid people believing in a mythological god and his equally mythological son.

happy Saturnalia to you too...that's SATURN-alia

Chez said...

Bill, I love you. You're like the Phil Hendrie of this site: It never ceases to amaze me how many people continue to buy it.

Merry Christmas, man.

CNNfan said...

I for one, do find it very entertaining to read Bill White's posts. Bill is certainly not a troll! Come on, lighten up, Bill does make this blog fun.

Take it from me, someone who just got a top secret email (codename:Santa) asking me to let Bill White know, that Dick Cheney would like to accept his offer to go hunting, preferably for a quail hunting weekend.

Bill White said...

Merry Christmas to you, Chez. And naughty Mary B: I'm not sure if I want to cry from such a foul-mouthed SP like you or I'm getting lust in my pants. Looks like I have to bring out the 16-inch wrench for this one.

God Bless,

StrangerDanger said...

"This guy is still trying to make nice with the people who, since before he even won the election, have called him a dangerous, terrorist-sympathizing, socialist who wants to kill our grandmothers and who wasn't even born in this country."

That's what they call him in public. I think we all know how they refer to him behind closed doors. I'll give you a hint, it starts with an 'n' and its not nazi. Also for everyone who still hasn't figured it out yet Bill White is basically Stephen Colbert in blog form. Bill, if you're going to troll do it like a pro, go big or go home.

Norm said...

Wow...inappropriate, lowdown barbs hurled at an ageing American hero the target the man's age rather than his position.

Real class, man.

Insult your elders and our venerable veterans. Great way to draw heat.

You've not grown that desperate for page views, have you?

Chez said...

You're late, Norm.

And there's no "e" in aging.

Now run along. : )

Anonymous said...

that was awesome. gold star alone for the palin name -- retard kraken -- i lol'd at that one. beautiful.

Anonymous said...

People like Bill White (love the name btw) get off on posting such shit. It is the highlight of their miserable, close minded, meager existence. They can never hope for true intimacy with another "real" human being, so they get their daily jollies poking people on a blog on the internet. How very very sad you are Bill.

Norm said...

No "e" in aging, huh? Good to see we have you at the wheel. You might want to inform the good folks at Oxford, Random House, and Webster's that the "ageing" form of the word is no longer proper.

Chez said...