Friday, November 13, 2009

The Ugly Truth


I'll try hard to make this quick for two reasons: One, because I've done my best to avoid writing about either of these people for a long time and so far have been mercifully successful, and two, I kind of feel like the point I'll make is so obvious it almost goes without saying.

The whole Controversy™ over Sharon Osbourne calling Susan Boyle a "hairy arsehole" who looks like she's been beaten with an "ugly stick" is completely fucking ridiculous.

Yesterday, in a move that had been predestined since about three seconds after the offending comment, Osbourne apologized to Boyle -- and by proxy everyone else on the planet, all of whom had taken it upon themselves to demand repentance -- for being so callous and insensitive during an appearance on Opie and Anthony (a radio show that's raised callous-and-insensitive to an art form). In the week since Osbourne made the on-air crack, you honestly would've thought that she'd driven her Bentley to Susan Boyle's house and taken a crap on her front lawn; the amount of contrived outrage from both the slavish celebrity media and the lifeless dolts who eat that kind of nonsense up has been hilariously deafening.

It really should go without saying, first and foremost, that Opie and Anthony do a comedy show; if you've never listened to it, trust me when I tell you that somebody calling somebody else a hairy asshole is probably the least offensive thing you'll hear on that show on any given day. The fact that people can't take a joke, a rude one, sure, but still a joke -- and most poignantly, one that wasn't really aimed at their tender ears in the first place and was only brought to their attention by a mass media machine that makes its living off of those who are constantly on the lookout for something to be outraged over -- is a hell of a lot more offensive in my mind than the joke itself.

But beyond that, the outpouring of indignation -- the shock and anger over a comment from a woman who's not exactly known for being classy or tactful, directed at a supposedly defenseless wallflower -- isn't just absurd, it's disingenuous. The reality is that Susan Boyle is unattractive. She's really unattractive. And guess what? The event that catapulted her to stardom in the first place capitalized on the fact that just about anyone who sees her believes this. When Susan Boyle stepped out onto the stage on Britain's Got Talent, you were supposed to think that she was an ugly, overweight frump who was doomed to embarrass herself in spectacular fashion the minute she opened her mouth. For God's sake, they practically played the Baby Elephant Walk from Hatari as her intro music. That moment, which became a cultural phenomenon, was all about the juxtaposition of her very impressive voice with her anything-but-impressive looks; the show's producers engineered it to shame the audience they knew would make an instant assumption: that somebody who looked like that couldn't possibly be talented -- not somebody that ugly.

People don't respond well to being forced to face the rottenest parts of their character -- like, say, the part that snickered when it first saw dowdy, awkward Susan Boyle and heard that she had dreams of being a successful singer -- and they usually respond by overcompensating in the opposite direction. Hence, you get thousands of people commenting on celebrity news websites or penning impassioned diatribes calling Sharon Osbourne "the one who's TRULY ugly" and making the obligatory knee-jerk demand that she be fired (from what exactly? Britain's Got Talent? America's Got Talent? Her job as Ozzy's manager?). Or how about this -- to really prove to themselves that they're good people, enlightened beings above petty prejudices, 68% percent of those who took part in a poll earlier this week by Access Hollywood engaged in the pop culture equivalent of voting for the handicapped kid for prom king: They proudly declared that when compared with Sharon Osbourne, Susan Boyle had more "sex appeal."

Think about that for a minute.

68% of those who watch Access Hollywood -- a show hosted by a couple of living Barbie and Ken dolls with hardly a brain cell between them, a show that traffics in gossip about the lives of the most gorgeous people in the world -- believe that Susan Boyle has more sex appeal than Sharon Osbourne.

Right.

What does that poll really tell us? It tells us that it's not even that so many in this country can't take a goddamned joke, it's that so many would rather lie, even to themselves, than admit that they're nowhere near as evolved as they pretend to be. That although she may have been crude about it, Sharon Osbourne wasn't saying anything the rest of us weren't already thinking.

20 comments:

BenoƮt from Ottawa said...

"That although she may have been crude about it, Sharon Osbourne wasn't saying anything the rest of us weren't already thinking."

True. Osbourne did go far, though.

After all, just because she behaved like a cunt is no reason to publicly call her that.

That said, I agree with your analysis of the scandalised, and of their "who's sexier" vote.

Sheriff Bart said...

I love it when you start a piece with "I'll try to make this short."

Chez said...

Yeah. You know, that really used to mean something around here. It's turned into a running gag.

Brenda said...

It was "a slapped ass" not a hairy asshole. I think slapped ass is a lot funnier.

Jeremy said...

And speaking of contrived outrage, I clicked over to the Hatari link... all the top comments I saw weren't about the movie, or the music... they were either bitching about or playing apologist for cigarette smoking heroes in old movies... saints preserve us...

kanye said...

War Pigs

Chez said...

She said both, Brenda.

Stephen said...

Ladies and gentlemen I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether Sharon Osbourne broke a few rules, or took a few liberties at the expense of Susan Boyle on a radio comedy show...she did *wink*...

Sorry, whenever I hear something to the effect of "I'll try to make this quick" I automatically default to Otter.

I think this whole mess can be summed up with one statement: I wouldn't fuck Susan Boyle with Sharon Osbourne's dick.

God Bless America

Janet said...

Points well made, Chez.

Moreover, if memory serves Sharon wasn't exactly god's gift until she lost weight, had cosmetic surgery and evidently acquired the services of a professional stylist to do her hair and makeup a few years back.

One of those kettle and pot things, really. Very funny!

Sheriff Bart said...

If you squint that picture of Boyle looks like Micky Dolenz

Kevin M. Hagerman said...

"Juxtaposition" is such an awesome word.

Ref said...

Stephen nailed it.

Vermillion said...

THANK YOU.

I mean come on. All anyone would talk about after Boyle showed up was her looks. Hell, just about every entertainment show on Earth had a feature on how she was a virgin, as if nobody could figure out what they were really saying. Nobody needs to know the status of her hymen, Mary Hart! Now shut the fuck up!

So for people to turn around and act like her looks are off-limits is bullshit. Oh wait, it is even worse: you can talk about her looks, as long as you rememebr to mention she sings pretty. That was Osbourne's mistake. She should have said "She's a hairy arsehole...but what a voice!"

Yeah that totally makes it cool.

Anonymous said...

In the first place, when Susan has on a bit of make-up and her hair fixed, like any other woman, she's far from ugly, in fact I think she's quite lovely, but thanks for calling her that again.
What you're failing to see here is that the woman has some minor brain damage and ended up in a hospital due to all of this garbage. Sharon Osbourne knew that and did her little comedy act anyway.
Obviously, by printing this article, you're just as heartless and disgusting as Osbourne is.
It's way past time that this stops, unless you're trying to ruin Susan's life.

Chez said...

That's me -- heartless and disgusting.

Always nice when "anonymous" drops by to shower us with his or her (who can tell?) wisdom. Oh, and good job missing the point completely.

Deacon Blue said...

Met Anonymous in a bar a few weeks ago. Kinda homely. Didn't get drunk enough to go home with Anon to determine gender. Was afraid it might turn into my "Crying Game" moment in life.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I didn't miss the point. I believe that you did.

Chez said...

And by all means, go right on thinking that.

greenveldt said...

Maybe since people are not on average as beautiful as the ones we watch constantly on Access Hollywood, some tv news, tv shows, or in magazines, etc. the public secretly hopes not to be judged so publicly about their own looks --just thought I'd add another reason, maybe unconsciously [or subconsciously for some], for the outrage against Sharon Osbourne [which probably applies to Sharon, herself -as in why she made the comments in the first place. I know she can be crude, but she also cares a lot about her own looks]... or maybe I'm being too simplistic?

Le Penseur said...

It would take a lot of Colt .45 to make either one of those yetis look even remotely fuckable.