Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dick Lit

As an addendum to today's utterly hilarious, ahem, "outpouring of encomium" upon the new Sarah Palin book by John Ziegler -- and Alert Reader Le Penseur's astute comment that much, much more Republican "encomium" will be spilled on this week's leggy-Palin Newsweek cover -- let's bring back one of the more entertaining DXM bits from last year's election season. It's compliments of the always amusing and apparently horny-as-hell Rich Lowry.

"Rich Lowry: The William F. Buckley of Fuck Talk" (Originally Published, 10.4.08)

Conservative columnist Rich Lowry of the National Review is the target of quite a bit of ridicule at the moment thanks to his rather "descriptive" review of Sarah Palin's performance at Thursday's vice presidential debate.

Here's what he wrote yesterday morning:

"Palin... projects through the screen like crazy. I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.' And her smile. By the end, when she clearly knew she was doing well, it was so sparkling it was almost mesmerizing. It sent little starbursts through the screen and ricocheting around the living rooms of America. This is a quality that can't be learned; it's either something you have or you don't, and man, she's got it.'"

Now some who read this might regard it as slightly creepy, the seemingly lustful late-night Cinemax pornish ramblings of an overgrown horny teenager -- one who likely typed the words with a single free hand -- directed at his schoolboy fantasy. This is the furthest thing from reality, however, and the criticism and scorn heaped on Lowry has been, in large part, grossly unfair.

As it turns out, Rich Lowry's apparent icky crush on Sarah Palin isn't a crush at all; in fact, he's equally effusive about quite a few other subjects, as evidenced by some of what he's written in the past.

Rich Lowry on the $700 billion Wall Street bailout plan:

"This thing protects America's economy like crazy. I'm sure that I'm not the only hot-blooded capitalist in this country whose spirits rose when the gavel came down hard in the House and Senate. I'll bet millions of people felt the same way I did last week, that it was captivating to watch the powerful, almost sensuous, undulations of the Dow Jones as it thrust down, then up again, then down again. Over and over, peaking then falling back to collapse in a hot, sweaty mess all over the millions of Americans who were forced to ride it out -- bareback -- and who found themselves hanging on for dear life, wondering if there would be anything left of them when it was all over."

Rich Lowry on the Iraq War:

"Nothing's going to stop the United States' potent injection of democracy deep into the loins of the Middle East. Enthralled by the almost aphrodisiac voices of Generals Petraeus and Odierno, I'm sure my reaction was like most Americans who heard the latest statistics about the overwhelming effects of the surge inside Iraq. Despite several recent explosions into the faces of our strong fighting men and women, the two shining towers of power in the darkest night -- Generals "P" and "O" -- should convince all of us that we can snatch delicious victory from the gaping, yearning mouth of defeat."

Rich Lowry on Cloris Leachman's appearance on ABC's Dancing with the Stars:

"Cloris jumped off the television and into bedrooms and community rec centers across America like a sweet, tall glass of ambrosial prune juice. Her hypnotic moves radiated heat, sending those hot flashes ricocheting around our heads and hearts. And when she bent over and allowed us a look at the deep, dark canyon dividing her glorious 82 year old bosom, I know I wasn't the only man out there to straighten up and think, 'If I had some spelunking cord and a hardhat with a light on it, I could spend hours exploring that gorge.'"

Rich Lowry on Denny's new Mega Grand Slam Breakfast:

"I'll tell you, the warm, soft eggs -- the ones that make my own spongy ovoids tighten -- dripping that savory, gooey yolk. The salty taste of those tender, lubricious sausages -- the ones that make my own meat stand straight as an arrow -- as they slide down the back of your throat. The symphonious pairing of syrupy goodness and buttery richness. I know I'm not the only man who puts something like this in his mouth, swallows, and then says, 'I want more!'"

Rich Lowry on the resignation of Pervez Musharraf and the dangerous destabilization of the Pakistani government:

"I just came."

(To remove all subtext and translate Rich Lowry's flowery praise of Sarah Palin into what he really wanted to say, go here.)


Shannon from Saskatoon said...

Humbly, I think you might have meant meconium, not enconium.

Anonymous said...

Without a doubt, the right in this country have lost control of any sanity they may have ever had.

However, the longer we go ignoring the fact that the Current Administration and Majority have accomplished ZERO with the power we gave them, the more likely that those crazy bastards will be back in charge.

I'm serious. I feel like I was sold a bunch of promises and little substance. It may be in your nature to not want to hold them accountable, but it isn't in mine.

Capt. A said...

(I'm sure I'm not the only male in America who, when Palin dropped her first wink, sat up a little straighter on the couch and said, 'Hey, I think she just winked at me.")

No it's not just you, all the other conservative male dolts thought the same thing.

You're the people who think the Hooters waitresses really like you for you.

You're the repressed folks who jerked off to your mom's pantyhose when you were home alone.

You're the repressed turdwits who've repressed their own feelings to such a degree you can't even tell if you're gay or not.

You've forced yourselves into such sad pathetic ruts that when a middle-aged former cheerleader glances at you in the mall you'd go home and jerk off thinking about it... If you didn't think it was a sin.

The little starbursts you're seeing are what grown-up, well-adjusted adults got over in Junior High. There's even a word for those people: Non-conservatives.

Nancy, Near Philadelphia said...

I'm sure I'm not the only woman who ingests your glorious prose, heart beating wildly within my ample bosom, and thinks, "Damn, he's good."

Anonymous said...

Uhg, tell me she isn't wearing shorts with panty hose?

Le Penseur said...

Breaking News: The Sarah Palin Newsweek magazine cover has just inked an exclusive deal with Vivid Pictures to star in its own line of bukkake-themed videos.

Narbe said...

For a second I thought that was Ray Romano.