Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Protecting America from Whatever


It never ceases to amaze me just how absolutely fucking crazy it's gotten out there. You'd think that by now -- after Tea Baggers, Birthers, "death panels," Glenn Beck's warnings of the encroaching commie threat to our precious bodily fluids, etc. -- that I'd be used to whatever shameless absurdity the apoplectic right sees fit to conjure out of thin air these days. But, no, they just keep turning up the burner of weird-and-dangerous so far past the boiling point that all the water's evaporated and the pot itself is just about on fire.

The latest example: The Oath Keepers.

Not to be confused with Pop Christianity's gift to snarky assholes everywhere, the "Promise Keepers," the Oath Keepers are a group of military vets and ex-law enforcement officers who've banded together to once again rise up and defend the supposedly core values of our beloved country during this time of great crisis. These values, as set forth by our now officially invoked-to-death forefathers, are the standard-issue litany of paranoid white guy t-shirt slogans: an almost sexual obsession with guns, state sovereignty, fear and suspicion of the federal government, watering the tree of liberty with blood every so often -- the kind of overarching, largely irrational belief system adhered to by just about anyone who subscribes to Soldier of Fortune magazine. As for the crisis currently afflicting the country that was once America, do I really even need to bother spelling it out at this point? Is there anyone out there not keenly aware of the ever-growing stable of ridiculous boogeymen created and perpetuated by the pants-wetting right these days?

So just what oaths are the Oath Keepers taking an oath to keep?

Try these on for size -- from the group's website:

"1. We will NOT obey orders to disarm the American people.

2. We will NOT obey orders to conduct warrantless searches of the American people.

3. We will NOT obey orders to detain American citizens as 'unlawful enemy combatants' or to subject them to military tribunal.

4. We will NOT obey orders to impose martial law or a 'state of emergency' on a state.

5. We will NOT obey orders to invade and subjugate any state that asserts its sovereignty.

6. We will NOT obey any order to blockade American cities, thus turning them into giant concentration camps.

7. We will NOT obey any order to force American citizens into any form of detention camps under any pretext.

8. We will NOT obey orders to assist or support the use of any foreign troops on U.S. soil against the American people to 'keep the peace' or to 'maintain control.'

9. We will NOT obey any orders to confiscate the property of the American people, including food and other essential supplies.

10.We will NOT obey any orders which infringe on the right of the people to free speech, to peaceably assemble, and to petition their government for a redress of grievances."


All I can say is, thank God for the Oath Keepers -- otherwise we'd all be disarmed and in U.N.-controlled concentration camps right now.

Jesus freakin' Christ -- these clowns may as well be saying, "We will NOT aid the Majestic Consortium in its plan to deliver an extraterrestrial virus to the American population through Africanized bees, leading to the spontaneous colonization of the planet." That's how likely any of the paranoid whack-job conspiracy theories the Oath Keepers espouse is to ever actually come true. Once again, thank God these ex-law enforcement specialists are on the case to defend us from absolutely fucking nothing.

Now before you go thinking that I just trolled the fringes of the internet looking for a band of crazies this crazy, and that the Oath Keepers wouldn't cross the mind of anyone with an IQ larger than a fruit salad's, MSNBC's own Grandpa Caligula -- Pat Buchanan -- wrote an entire column for WorldnetDaily.com yesterday praising the group's efforts. Sure, Buchanan's a fucking racist reactionary (the subtle, not-at-all-inflammatory title of his Worldnet piece is "Traditional Americans are Losing Their Nation") but he's also, inexplicably, a member of the supposedly mainstream media -- or at the very least their invited guest. And so, with a couple of keystrokes from a skeletal hand, the Oath Keepers go from being extremist basement-dwellers to genuine players -- stepping up to a seat at the big kids' table with the likes of all the other conspiracist lunatics whose opinions have somehow been lent undue credence by a conflict-addicted media and a right wing that's completely lost its mind after losing the White House.

I've said it many times before but it bears repeating over and over again: Where will all of this end? Not when, since I'm not sure it will on its own -- where?

All this unfocused rage, completely immune to logic and reason, has to go somewhere -- and where it sometimes seems to be headed just scares the hell out of me.

27 comments:

Garth said...

Is it possible for the heads of Mt. Rushmore to face-palm?

Mozglubov said...

The intensely irrational fear of foreign influence in America really baffles me. I mean, for a country that has military stationed all over the bloody world (a situation that most Americans accept as perfectly fine, because those are American troops) and uses every avenue available to exert control over the governmental machinations of foreign powers (like toppling a perfectly legitimate Chilean government), it strikes me as awfully hypocritical.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what "Bill White" thinks about all of this.

toastie said...

You never hear anyone on the right talk about wanting to prevent another Tim-McVeigh-type attack on our soil. If and when we have one, they'll probably consider it collateral damage.

SteveR said...

Ideas vs. weapons. Which will prevail?

The Manimal said...

Where were these guys when the Bush administration was was using the Constitution to wipe it's collective ass?

Jeremy said...

Well... I'm glad they won't be the ones rounding me up to stick me in a concentration camp.

I didn't know it was a threat anymore now that the administration that initiated all those warrantless wiretaps and all those other "warrantless searches", and stuck people in little cages for exercising their first amendment rights (the ones the Oath Keeps will NOT infringe), was finally out of office.

But I'm glad they will NOT be doing it... I guess...

Lee said...

2. We will NOT obey orders to conduct warrantless searches of the American people.

3. We will NOT obey orders to detain American citizens as 'unlawful enemy combatants' or to subject them to military tribunal.

10.We will NOT obey any orders which infringe on the right of the people to free speech, to peaceably assemble, and to petition their government for a redress of grievances."


Yeah, now they're against these. Assholes.

Imaginista said...

In other words... they're Democrats? Cause they sure do seem to be against every single thing that George Fucking W Bush stood for.

Capt. Clown said...

As others have already said here, most of those oaths would have been appropriate during the Bush admin when some of these crimes were ACTUALLY BEING PERPETRATED against the American people.

This is like showing up after a party is over while the janitor is sweeping the floor and stacking chairs and announcing, "Hey, if anybody gets out of line tonight and you need a bouncer, I'm your man!"

Jeff Wardell said...

So who's the founder of The Oath Keepers, Dale Gribble?

Graham said...

Chez. Just learn to love the bomb. =P

brite said...

Like most of the commenters on this thread, I wonder where these guys were during the 8 years that Bush/Cheney dismantled the constitution? Or was it okay for the US to invade and subjugate any state back then? *scratching her head*

Anonymous said...

Dale Gribble = Glenn Beck

Jeremy said...

Actually, Jeff, I think it's Rusty Shackleford who founded them.

Sha-shaaa!

Benoit from Ottawa said...

brite and others, my own added comments:

"3. We will NOT obey orders to detain American citizens as 'unlawful enemy combatants' or to subject them to military tribunal."

But it's okay if it's a 15 year old boy in his country fighting against the U.S. Throw him in jail without trial.

And:

"5. We will NOT obey orders to invade and subjugate any state that asserts its sovereignty."

(My addition) "...except ALL states situated outside of the U.S.A. Those are okay to invade and subjugate at will.

Anonymous said...

As I former vet myself of six years, from 2000 to 2006, these guys hardly come close to representing the average American Veteran. For one thing, the average vet isn't white and from a law enforcement background, either prior, while in, or after serving. A significant portion of us had to learn English after we came in. Most of us have never fired a gun outside of bootcamp, nor are we necessarily right wing nutbags. Most understood that the Iraq War was a fucking joke and that Afghanistan was a quagmire going into it. So yeah, these assholes represent just themselves and no one else.

Mack said...

They're Libertardians and Ron Paul is their God.

Amanda said...

Where were these douchebags when the Patriot Act was in full swing?

Nevada Blue said...

I think this is great news, Chez, and an opportunity for a bipartisan meeting of the minds (and guns):

2. We will NOT obey orders to conduct warrantless searches of the American people.
Great! Then we can count on their help in the dismantling of the Patriot Act and the Dept of Homeland Security.

3. We will NOT obey orders to detain American citizens as 'unlawful enemy combatants' or to subject them to military tribunal.
Yay! Gitmo will never happen on their watch.

7. We will NOT obey any order to force American citizens into any form of detention camps under any pretext.
This will be great news to our non-white citizens, Asian and Muslim in particular. Too bad they can’t do that retroactively.

9. We will NOT obey any orders to confiscate the property of the American people, including food and other essential supplies.
I look forward to their assistance in overturning the barbaric and unconstitutional anti-drug laws that rob our citizens of millions of dollars worth of property every year.

10.We will NOT obey any orders which infringe on the right of the people to free speech, to peaceably assemble, and to petition their government for a redress of grievances."
It would be nice though, if they’d stop yelling when I choose to do so.

oskar said...

Q - "Where were these douchebags when the Patriot Act was in full swing?"

A - They were probably helping enforce it, being "patriots" & all.

Ref said...

"Their" country? Who the fuck gave MY country to THEM?

Milton said...

11. We will NOT try or make any attempt to think coherently.
12. We will NOT stop being total morons and assholes.
13. We will NOT forfeit our right to be hypocrits, douchebags, racists, bigots, drunk mean bastards who beat our wives, molest our children, have homosexaul encounters in public bathrooms and condemn gays for wanting to have equal rights, post blogs on the internet about wanting to kill the president of the USA, attend soldier's funerals with batshit crazy slogan posters and say that it's god's will, believe that earth is 6 thousand years old and that man lived with dinosaurs.
14. We will NOT... ad lib as you will...

Eric said...

As I've said elsewhere, what I find most amusing/appalling is their #5 and #6:

5. We will NOT obey orders to invade and subjugate any state that asserts its sovereignty.

6. We will NOT obey any order to blockade American cities...


...because, matter of fact, those exact things were done by a Republican president--and there's good reason he's considered one of the (if not the) greatest Presidents in American history. Suspension of habeas aside, Lincoln did what had to be done to preserve the Union--including invading the secessionist states and ordering a Naval blockade of Rebel ports, and in doing so paved the way for America's assumption of Great Power status fifty years later.

Did somebody say something about the heads on Mt, Rushmore?

The Oath Keepers are treasonous fucks, and their masturbatory fantasies about getting a do-over of the American Civil War are repulsive. Speaking as a native Southerner--we were on the wrong side of history and deserved to lose, and there's nothing romantic about that; some people need to get over it.

The Overgrown Hobbit said...

"where were these people during the eight years Bush was in office"

Um... protesting? These are the libertoids who broke with Bush over the invasion of Afghanistan and then REALLY hit the wall when he ended the ceasefire with Iraq and restarted full-scale hostilities.

Just because (by their lights) Bush was bad enough, doesn't mean (by the same lights) Obama is 100 times worse! After all it's been under Democratic administrations supported by majority Democratic congresses that things like imprisoning magazine and newpaper editors for dissent (Wilson, total fascist) and sending law-abiding American citizens to prison camps (FDR) took place.

SteveR said...

For the Oathers, "Americans" means "white people born in the US".
"With no funny accents".
"Except maybe German".

Can you see them inviting any *other* American citizens into their club?

Anonymous said...

My that's a very long pointy thing sticking out there at the top of that guys leg and he has his hand wrapped around the base.

Sexy!!!

:)