Monday, September 28, 2009

Exhibit A-hole



Ah, behold the majestic beauty of the North American lummox (Whitius Trashicus). Indigenous to the Southern United States, the lummox enjoys Monster Truck rallies, spousal abuse and the assorted works of Larry the Cable Guy.

Seriously, watch this shit and ask yourself: How did this idiot even manage to turn his computer on?

I'm not even sure this is for real, it's so damn perfect.

(h/t Cesca)

27 comments:

gina said...

Seriously? Almost 8 minutes of this?

I'd think it were performance art if I hadn't grown up in Alabama.

Ron said...

If it's a fake, the combination congestive-heart-failure snorting/patio-chair/hot-pocket sleeve touches are just masterful.

Cheryl Robbins said...

Jeebus. The really funny part is that this guy thinks he's setting some sort of positive example, nothing quite like the comical martyr to the cause of death. My husband gets idiots like that in the ER all the time, they get the acronym TFTB, or, "Too Fat To Breathe" scrawled across their charts.

We really should start neutering people. This guy makes the concept behind GATTACA look appealing.

Chris said...

That guy has bigger issues to worry about than the lack of his favourite brand of Copenhagen dip.
Sad truth is, you could probably gain votes in parts of the country if you give them free dip.

Van Stuard said...

Oh, it's real. The guy has posted nearly 100 of these videos which almost exclusively deal with chewing tobacco. He's either one of the most prolific missing links to ever learn to turn on a webcam, or it is performance art on the level of Andy Kaufmann.

Matt Osborne said...

Oh, come on, now. This is obviously a poetic performance. No single human brain could ever survive being filled with so much nonsense.

Cpt Clown said...

People on YouTube are commenting that they think he's retarded.

Southern, retarded, it seems like splitting hairs.

Christine said...

I am going to have nightmares. His face as he tries to get the dip into his mouth is perhaps the most horrifyingly disgusting thing I have ever seen. Ever. God, and to think he's probably managed to procreate by now.

I think I'm going to go cry in a corner.

Jay said...

Is this the real Eric Cartman?
I can't possibly watch more than a few seconds but I'm guessing he ends with - "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Anonymous said...

I want what he's smoking

T. Bickle said...

He doesn't need to worry about impeachment. Re-election? That's another problem entirely......

The Limits of Charisma
Mr. President, please stay off TV.

Howard Fineman
Published Sep 26, 2009

If ubiquity were the measure of a presidency, Barack Obama would already be grinning at us from Mount Rushmore. But of course it is not. Despite his many words and television appearances, our elegant and eloquent president remains more an emblem of change than an agent of it. He's a man with an endless, worthy to-do list—health care, climate change, bank reform, global capital regulation, AfPak, the Middle East, you name it—but, as yet, no boxes checked "done." This is a problem that style will not fix. Unless Obama learns to rely less on charm, rhetoric, and good intentions and more on picking his spots and winning in political combat, he's not going to be reelected, let alone enshrined in South Dakota.

The president's problem isn't that he is too visible; it's the lack of content in what he says when he keeps showing up on the tube. Obama can seem a mite too impressed with his own aura, as if his presence on the stage is the Answer. There is, at times, a self-referential (even self-reverential) tone in his big speeches. They are heavily salted with the words "I" and "my." (He used the former 11 times in the first few paragraphs of his address to the U.N. last week.) Obama is a historic figure, but that is the beginning, not the end, of the story.


There is only so much political mileage that can still be had by his reminding the world that he is not George W. Bush. It was the winning theme of the 2008 campaign, but that race ended nearly a year ago. The ex-president is now more ex than ever, yet the current president, who vowed to look forward, is still reaching back to Bush as bogeyman.

Sue said...

I wasn't aware that people who talk like Boomhauer from King of the Hill actually exist.

Anonymous said...

Is he jacking off?

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

kanye said...

His youtube handle is skoalrebel.

Talk about your single issue voters.

Anonymous said...

I have to believe this is fake. If not, then I can't be responsible for my actions.

If this is fake, it's a brilliant performance but preaching to the choir.

If it's real (or fuck it, even if it's not), can we please all get past the point where we stop making fun of these retards and treat them like the disgraces to the country and the serious threats to the future of the human race that they are? The fact that this guy (real or fictional amalgam, whatever he is) has as much right to vote as I do scares me.

America was originally designed to be a place where a white male such as this prize winner would be free to pursue whatever goals he wanted. Somewhere along the way, that was mutated into pursuing the goal of not pursuing any goals, not even that of finding a decent fucking meal to eat for dinner as the hot pocket microwave sleeve behind him illustrates.

Do you think that it's occurred to Cooter here that, while he's on youtube, trying to speak over the sounds of his own heart pumping cheez whiz through his veins, the "nigger slash jeeeeeeeeeew" that he wants "inpeached" got where he is today because he was interested in things bigger and more important than fucking chaw?

But of course, what could be more important than chaw? Keep chewing, hoss. Keep chewing.

Jeremy said...

We were pretty upset that we couldn't get our Djarum Blacks anymore either (menthol = ok, cloves = verboten? wtf?).
But I think the president has more important things to worry about than your whiskey flavored Copenhagen. (I now have the Lying Assholes song "Copenhagen Smile" stuck in my head...)
If you want to blame someone, I'd say blame the big tobacco companies that threw small and foreign brands who use flavorings (like Bali Hai and Djarum) under the bus but managed to save their menthol flavored brands. I'm not sure the impact on the smokeless tobacco market, but I can't imagine they are going to do anything to hurt the market shares of a powerhouse like US Tobacco and Skoal; so at least wintergreen, or mint-flavored-ass or whatever-the-hell-that-shit-is-supposed-to-taste-like flavors will probably be OK.

Chez said...

This guy is living, breathing Idiocracy in action. If he's real, he's a fucking embarrassment. He challenges the assumption that humans are wondrous creatures and that all life is precious. Seriously -- a waste of fucking oxygen. He disproves both evolution and intelligent design at the same time.

Nyquil's working like a charm.

Bill White said...

I'm afraid this boy is special. Kyle has a friend like this. They would spend hours in his room doing Lord knows what. Just like Kyle's buddy, I think this boy means well, but I think his MaMa dropped him on his head.

Anonymous said...

OK, no one else has said it, so I will.

Is this guy related to our buddy Bill White?

Imaginista said...

"He disproves both evolution and intelligent design at the same time."

So... he's not quite as retarded as first thought? That must take talent!

Abbie said...

I... really... I tried to watch, and stopped it at ten seconds. Holy shit. I really did not need to know of his existence.

Anonymous said...

Chez, some ass named "savdavid" ripped off your beautiful introduction and posted it as a comment on youtube.

Cheryl Robbins said...

Yay, NyQuil!

I could only watch the first part of Idiocracy because it frightened me so much. It really was one heck of a horror flick.

http://xkcd.com/154/

Dan said...

That was truly painful to watch, I only made it about 2 minutes in. My wife left the room about 20 seconds in complaining that it was making her head hurt.

The sad part is that this is real....and he isn't alone....

Ethnic Redneck said...

This guy's using flavored chew and he accuses other people of being gay? In Eastern Oregon, he'd already be wearing a tutu.

Ryan said...

Jeebus, where do you even start with people like this?

Side note: best quote @ 5:10: "Man if I was the fucking president I'd make everything legal... everything... ::pause to breathe:: I'd definitely make prostitution legal"

Why am I not surprised?

ProObama said...

A monkey could chew better then this guy, lol. Keep 'em coming, the right, you're just proving our point for us.