Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Clueless Ambassador


So Sarah Palin spoke today at an economic conference in Hong Kong. I'm far too exhausted to get into this deeply right now, but I figured I'd trot out my two favorite quotes from the event -- both of which illustrate in hilarious fashion why Palin shouldn't be allowed to speak, much less do it overseas as a representative of the United States (unofficial or otherwise).

First up, this inscrutable gem:

"Personally, I’ve always been really interested in the ideas too about the land bridge. Ideas that maybe so long ago, had allowed Alaska to be physically connected to this part of our world so many years ago. My husband and my children, they’re part [unintelligible] Eskimo, Alaskan natives. They’re our first people, and the connection that may have brought ancestors from here to there is fascinating to me. Making our world seem a little bit smaller, more united, to consider that connection that allowed sharing of peoples and bloodlines and wildlife and flora and fauna, that connection to me is quite fascinating."

Sorry, what the fuck is she talking about? Palin's like that jock kid giving the history speech at the end of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. She always seems like she's struggling to come off as having an even slightly-above-average IQ, when in reality she wants nothing more than to just raise her fist and shout, "San Dimas High School Football Rules!" and be done with it. Incidentally, that "land bridge" I assume she's referring to (who the hell can tell?), isn't that something that supposedly existed long before Jesus's dad popped the Earth into being 6,000 years ago?

Moving on, Palin also took time out from making no sense at all to, of course, slam Barack Obama -- basically laying the world's financial crises right at his feet:

"I'm going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A... We got into this mess because of government interference in the first place. We're not interested in government fixes, we're interested in freedom. Now... a lot of Americans are asking: more government? Is that the change we want?"

Needless to say, this brand of authentic frontier gibberish didn't necessarily go over well with the audience Palin was speaking to, one member of which stated obviously, "As fund managers we want to hear about the United States as a whole, not just about Alaska. And she criticized Obama a lot but offered no solutions."

What the Hong Kong investors who hired her to speak probably should've understood from the beginning was that Palin can barely string two complete sentences together -- she had probably gotten her passport stamped by a foreign country for the first time two hours prior to her speech -- so there was damn sure no way she'd be able to make sense of the American or global economic situation. If this idiot passed sixth grade algebra I'd be shocked.

Then again, if you've ever been to a strip club you know that maybe the Asians picked Palin to speak so that they could put her six-figure fee into her garter one dollar bill at a time.

Oh yeah, and one more thing, didn't people like Sarah Palin spend the last eight years screeching about how traveling overseas and speaking out against the U.S. government amounted to treason? Does this mean we can finally put Palin up against a wall somewhere -- or maybe just refuse to let her back in the country?

Yup, I get cranky when I'm tired.

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

i thought i read somewhere that sarah wasn't writing her own material anymore. what happened?

babita781 said...

I had to read the first quote twice before I even understood she wasn't talking about the "bridge to nowhere". I guess she means when continents were smushed together in "the before time" Asian people caught on the wrong side when it broke apart became Inuits? I'm glad she's out there chatting it up. There is less and less chance the GOP will nominate her for President.

Anonymous said...

Sarah Palin is a goddess!

Anonymous said...

"Does this mean we can finally put Palin up against a wall somewhere..."

Does this constitute hate speech? Can we hold you personally responsible if something happens to Sarah Palin?

Matt Osborne said...

Actually, Chez, I have a theory that she's speaking to Kim-Jong Il in code language. Seriously.

Kevin Davis said...

Also.

Richard said...

wait wait wait...they have algebra in the sixth grade?

Cheryl Robbins said...

I so love the Republican politician argument of, "Government is inept! We are bungling idiots who shouldn't be trusted with anything!" It leaves me slack-jawed and speechless. Really, how does one respond to that kind of sub-logic? Furthermore, how are we supposed to be able to trust the words out of someone who will shout their own incompetentcy from the mountaintops? "Trust me, a representative of the government, to say that the government should not be trusted." Huh?

And Chez, everyone knows that Jesus rode a brachiosaurus across Pangaea luring in yokels with fish and bread, spreading ignorance and bigotry in his wake. I believe it was the book of Matthew.

Anonymous said...

"Does this constitute hate speech? Can we hold you personally responsible if something happens to Sarah Palin?"

Well, no. If you'd be so good as to look at the last, oh, I don't know, 150 years, you'll find that it's the right wing nuts in this country who are behind almost all of the political violence. Yes, there was the guy last week who killed the antiabortion activist, but political violence is just not something liberals are into all that much. We don't like guns, remember? We want to take them away from you, right? You're the ones who shoot people and blow people up.

Vermillion said...

THe voice...MY GOD THE VOICE IS IN MY HEAD AGAIN DAMNYOUCHEZGETITOUTGETIT
OUTGETITOOOOUUTTT

*pictures Palin with ball gag*

Muuuuch better. For so many reasons.

I am not Star Jones said...

She gave the same performance in last year's VP debate. Ignoring the topic at hand, attempting some far fetched analogy to show an affinity for the audience and bash people without informed context. What did she do? Mentally age backwards?

B8ovin said...

"My husband and my children, they’re part [unintelligible]"

I'll just leave this here.

Anonymous said...

"And she criticized Obama a lot but offered no solutions."

Well that's just wrong. She gave the perfect solution. Deregulation baby!

Another intelligent remark she made was using the term Eskimo. She should know they hate being called that. But then she didn't know/care that they were starving last winter.

What a stupid cold hearted biotch.

Anonymous said...

"Well, no. If you'd be so good as to look at the last, oh, I don't know, 150 years, you'll find that it's the right wing nuts in this country who are behind almost all of the political violence. Yes, there was the guy last week who killed the antiabortion activist, but political violence is just not something liberals are into all that much. We don't like guns, remember? We want to take them away from you, right? You're the ones who shoot people and blow people up."

Live in your bubble. We watch all the violence at your protests, Harvey Milk killed by a Democrat, Jim Jones, Weather Underground, the list can go on and on. There is violence on both sides. We have free speech. Chez can say what he wants, as can others. If you are going to preach to the other side make sure you don't engage in the same behaviour. Remember that is why we go after Repubs harder when the stray from their wedding vows. Libs are equally hypocritical.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...wasn't she on foreign soil when she took at shot at Obama? Do you suppose Hannity will start calling her a traitor and give her name on par with Ditzy Chick? Will country raido ban coverage of her?

Fred said...

So, how does one say "stupid ignorant cunt" in Chinese?

Michael said...

You say "Stupid ignorant cunt" in Chinese like this - 愚笨的无知的阴户 (according to an online translator)

Anonymous said...

stupid ignolant cunt

Calitri said...

Chez,

You're just not hearing what she's actually saying. Here, let me translate a few lines to get you started:

"Making our world seem a little bit smaller, more united, to consider that connection that allowed sharing of peoples and bloodlines and wildlife and flora and fauna, that connection to me is quite fascinating."

Cookies taste yummy.

"We're not interested in government fixes, we're interested in freedom."

I just pissed myself.

"My husband and my children..."

I'm a big girl.

So, yeah, she's basically the freaky ginger kid from that GMC commercial.

constant gina said...

Is it just me or I thought President Palin stopped politrix??

Robyn said...

woman: look honey, i made enough money hooking to pay the rent!
man: you did? that's wonderful! exactly how much did you make?
woman: just a sec. ummm... one, two, three... $363.25
man: $363.25? wow. that's terrific. but... which prick gave you the 25 cents?
woman: every single one of them.

palin, six figure fee? she better have one of those reuseble walmart bags to drag the quarters to the coinstar machine.

lord grays said...

I love her independence, her strength and her femininity...she is a strong and passionate women and a good mother and wife. I like Palin, she is a true trooper and lover of our country and would lead us into total freedom and justice…

The Manimal said...

"Then again, if you've ever been to a strip club you know that maybe the Asians picked Palin to speak so that they could put her six-figure fee into her garter one dollar bill at a time."

Come on Chez, you know there's only one reason a bunch of Asian businessmen would pay for a Sarah Palin appearance: bukkake!

Pete Rock said...

Maybe you were unaware, but San Dimas High School Football DID indeed rule. I'm still unsure if Abe Lincoln ever actually said, ". . . be excellent to each other," though.