Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Thinking Outside the Inbox


The latest in our ongoing series which brings just some of the PR-firm junk e-mail I regularly get to you, the readers.

"Hey Chez,

Wanted to give you the 411 involving the latest celebrity showdown that will play out on the dance floor…

So, What's the Scoop?

Ms. Sasha Fierce better look out because Barbie has hired JaQuel Knight (the choreographer from the 'Single Ladies' video and MTV VMA Nominee) to create the newest dance craze – 'The Barbie' for her FIRST MUSIC VIDEO... featuring a remake of the classic 'Barbie Girl' song...

JaQuel has worked with three of the biggest 'B’s' in show business today... Beyonce, Brit and now Barbie…and thought this could be something fun to share with your readers... especially with the VMA’s just around the corner.

I attached a press release that has all the juicy details and included the You Tube link to the music video.

Have fun doing 'The Barbie'

Thanks,

Sarah"


And now, my response.

Dear Sarah,

Fuck yeah! Bring it on, honky tonk, 'cause you just made my day! I was sitting here not a moment ago, in my wheelchair next to the nurses' station, thinking to myself, "Gosh, the VMAs are coming up. What ever shall I do?" My readers -- who as you know are made up of a giant wire-mesh cage filled with rhesus monkeys -- will be demanding that I bring them "the 411" on every little thing the average MTV viewer might care about. I was thinking about getting Tila Tequila to go down on me in one of the bathrooms at Nikki Beach Club and then relaying in graphic detail my subsequent battle with syphilis, but unfortunately the doctors won't even let me have visitors anymore, much less allow me out for a "field trip" -- not after the incident with the school bus.

I thought I was out of luck. And then you come along like an angel with the Barbie Dance (which as you mention is sure to become a "craze" simply because, well, your PR firm is already declaring to the slavish media that it is one). I can't thank you enough for this, Sarah; especially for helping to ensure that by this time next month, the, ahem, "classic" Barbie Girl song will have spread like a virus across America and will be blasting from every car stereo, iPod, television and movie trailer so that it's inescapable.

And I'll once again have to take a drill to my head to get the fucking sound of it out of my brain. Which is what landed me in this particular ward back in the mid-90s to begin with.

Thanks again -- and for God's sake make the screaming stop!

Toodles,

Chez : )

PS: Yay! Sasha Fierce!

PPS: This is all for a doll? Really?

(Update: Fine. You guys win. The video can be found here and the "JaQuel" Barbie Dance tutorial can be found here. I promise you that each of them will make your ears and eyes bleed and your brain run out through your nose. Now please stop sending me e-mails saying "PLAY THE VIDEO! PLAY THE VIDEO!" Jesus Christ, I was joking about the whole rhesus monkeys thing but maybe I wasn't all that far off.)

27 comments:

Suzy said...

who you callin' a rhesus monkey?

Suzy said...

J-Setting?

**If Madonna introduced the masses to voguing then Jaquel and Beyonce are introducing pop culture to J-setting. But make no mistake about it, neither diva invented the art forms, but gay men on the ballroom floors of New York City and black college female dance teams deserve all of the credit.

J-setting as choreographed by Jaquel for Beyonce dominates black gay clubs in the south and is featured this week in Atlanta's Southern Voice.**

The Army Wife said...

Oh please please please post the video. I would love to see this THING that I'm going to be so crazy about in just a short while ...

gina said...

As a rhesus monkey, I would like a bucket of apple slices and a carton of cigarettes. Hanuman represent!!!

Anonymous said...

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH! YOU CAN UNDRESS ME ALL THE WAY YEAH!

CRANK THAT BARBIE GIRL! CRANK THAT BARBIE GIRL!


....*sigh*

Jerry said...

all I know is, when I stopped throwing feces at my monitor, I was offended...

by the way, when did they change the definition of classic... I seem to have missed the memo.

sommer said...

so where's the link to the video?! i HAVE to see this.


i'm not even kidding.

Jeremy said...

Haha... didn't Mattel sue Aqua over that "classic" tune?
(And seriously, maybe I'm getting old, but is 12 years long enough to be considered a "classic"? I seriously have clothes older than that.)

Jeremy said...

What the fuck is "J setting"?

threv said...

fun like a rusty catheter.
there isn't enough merzbow in the world to floss this from my brain.

Figgylicious said...

Jesus Christ on a cracker. How OLD is this goddamned song? and why hasn't it been forgotten? or destroyed? argh, my brain.

cousinavi said...

That 411 made me call 911 cuz I'm about to commit a 187. That song turns me into a 5150 - need some 420 to calm down. Wouldn't want Chez to 86 my comment.

(If I worked at it, I could get 90210, 25 or 6 to 4, 16 tons, Phantom 409, A5-35 and Vick's 44-D in here, too...but no sense making a mockery of the latest craze, eh?)

Michael said...

In all fairness I have no desire to see this video. Nor hear that god awful song.

Sheriff Bart said...

What the fuck is a JaQuel?

Anonymous said...

Jesus Christ, that can't even be called dancing! It's fucking horrible!

Fire that choreographer!

pxilated said...

<3 I laughed so hard I choked on my juice and someone had to come whack me on the back.

VOTAR said...

Except for "newest," "fun," and "the," I didn't understand a single fucking word of that press release.

Shannon from Saskatoon said...

Votar: "..didn't understand a single fucking word of that press release".

Naturally you didn't, Brother Rhesus. We are macaques and we don't speak or read bimbo.

kanye said...

JaQuel is alive and well and living in a Barbie Playhouse.

Chez said...

Alright, you folks do realize that I was implying that Sarah must think you're idiots to possibly care about something this silly, right?

kanye said...

That's right Chez, walk it back. Just remembered you were in the middle of a pledge drive, did ya? :)

QuickBrownFox said...

I couldn't resist and clicked on the first video link.

Damn you Chez!

Now I have to drop off the wagon to erase this memory from my brain!

Sheriff Bart said...

What the fuck is a Sasha Fierce?

VOTAR said...

Ok.

I don't know what I was thinking.

I clicked on the JaQuel one.

I lasted eight seconds.



I need to go wash my brain out with Dethklok.

littlebitoffiesty said...

You da bomb, Chez!

Cheryl Robbins said...

Nothing quite like "if you build it they will come" marketing strategy. I cannot imagine anyone ever doing The Barbie. Those actors are pitiable, and I wonder if they consider this a portfolio piece. It almost hurts a little seeing the first several seconds of the video, but I had to verify that it looks nothing like anything I do when I dance. It would be tragic to be pointed out as the 30-year-old at the party doing The Barbie.

Adrienne Saia said...

Wait... you can get syphilis from saliva? I'm pretty sure if Tila's just going down on you, you'll be okay. Right?

(yeah, that's what I focused on.)