Thursday, August 27, 2009

And Now, an Open Letter to Kate Gosselin


Dear Kate,

You don't know me, but I felt like I just had to reach out to you after watching your appearance on Larry King Live a few nights ago. I know you've been through a lot over the past several months: the cruel tabloid headlines, the negative assumptions about you, the betrayal, the impending divorce, seeing your estranged husband cavorting with whores in Ed Hardy t-shirts, your kids' refusal to sit the hell down and shut up when Mommy tells them to, people making fun of your haircut -- I know it's all been eating you alive inside and turning your well-established sense of self upside down. It's hurt me for so long to watch you held up for public ridicule -- to see the once-vainglorious Kate Gosselin reduced to groveling for mercy in the face of those who would take joy in knocking you from the pedestal you so richly deserve to sit atop. But when you looked right into Larry King's lifeless eyes (an act of incredible bravery in itself) and told him, "I'm lonely," well, that was all I could take.

I know you're in pain, Kate.

I know you feel like no one understands.

But I need you to know something -- I do.

That's why, right here and now, I want to tell you that there's someone in this world who gets you completely, who loves you entirely -- and who wants to be with you forever.

Me.

Yes, me.

A little about myself: I'm a 39-year-old underemployed writer and journalist with over ten years experience -- on and off -- dealing with women like yourself, Kate. Women others would call, well, let's just say "difficult." (Only the crassest and most Philistine would refer to your kind by that other word.) And let me be clear: When I say that I know how to "deal" with you, that's in no way meant to imply that I have an intact spine and would be willing to make an effective stand against you should I feel that you were trampling me underfoot and crushing my fragile ego. On the contrary, you can consider me already very well housebroken -- an easily malleable lump of human wet clay that will never so much as raise his voice to you when you publicly emasculate him for not picking out the right paint color for the living room or maybe rubbing your feet clockwise instead of counter-clockwise at the end of the day.

Life with me would be the Kate Show all the way. My balls are well accustomed to that particularly cold area at the back of the refrigerator anyway; why break with tradition?

Speaking of shows, I have a couple of children of my own. Just think of the possibilities: Kate and WHO? + 8 + 2. It would be like The Brady Bunch for Generation Meth.

I even think you're really hot. No joke. You're a total babe. I don't even think it's important that you, for once, stand up straight.

Katie, my sweet, you don't have to be lonely anymore. I ask only that you please think about my offer. I honestly believe that if you give it a little serious consideration, you'll come to the only possible conclusion -- that I'm the man for you. I have the skill, the will, and, most importantly, the complete lack of self-respect in the face of a spiteful woman -- and I'm totally ready to be the next Mr. Kate Gosselin.

Hey, I used to produce for Ashleigh Banfield.

I Love You,

Chez : )

(For entertainment purposes only. Not meant to either A) endear myself to Kate Gosselin, or B) cast aspersion on anyone who's been in my life over the past decade or so -- except maybe Banfield.)

20 comments:

Suzy said...

LOL!

god i wish there was a way for her to really see this.

The Old Broad said...

Dude... is the summer drive not going that well?

Anonymous said...

i just wet myself laughing.

Kat said...

Completely evil.

I love it.

Shannon from Saskatoon said...

This moved me to such searing empathy that I joined the frenzy of "Pledge Week". Looking forward to starting your book and keeping you in writers' nuggets.

Stephen said...

Hey, you have a pick up. You could throw all the kids in the truck bed and drive through the car wash for bath time.

WHO WANTS WAX????

babita781 said...

Whoa! Hilarious vitriol, the best kind! Cathartic, I hope!

Heather said...

Ah, Chez. The scenes I can imagine coming out of this scenario would probably either scare you or make you laugh till you cried. Great stuff!

Anonymous said...

Dear Chez,

Well, first of all, I guess I should thank you for your, er, kind offer. From what I hear around Redding, you're QUITE the man's man who knows how to make a woman feel like a woman. Nice to know I'm at the head of the line.

That said, I'm going to have to pass on your proposal because as heart-broken and as lonely as I feel, I guess I haven't reached the depths of despair just yet to shack up with a malcontented, Godless, man whore such as yourself. And while the idea of severing the last tendrils of dignity and self-respect from your once-heroin-soaked brain gives me a special tingle like no other, I hear around my Super Cut and Dairy Queen circles that a certain former Redding lass already beat me (and you) to the punch. And that's just not fun for me, pookie.

So, thanks, and good luck to you.

Kate Gosselin

Chez said...

It's Reading -- not Redding.

Imposter.

David said...

What, did Octo-mom already turn you down?

Next stop, Mama Duggar?

Brian said...

Awesome

Anonymous said...

I thought she was making an offer to Larry not YOU Chez! My God the woman was self-respect enough to offer her skanky ass to the guy with some money at least. I hear he's getting divorced too but I think Larry will be left with more than sack-cloth and scraps as you are Chez.

Better luck next time! You should start searching Craigslist or I hear Jon Klein is always looking for men around 40 to fuck while his wife looks the other way. It's not like you have any dignity left at this point, so why not?

Chez said...

They're always "anonymous." : )

Deacon Blue said...

Keep away from Kate, you bastard! She's mine! Mine I say!

(In fact, as an under-employed writer and journalist myself, I may find myself in need of a new TLC-funded wife soon myself)

trish said...

@Anon 8:20

That dignity thing you're talking about, is that anything like the kind of dignity you have anonymously trolling a blog?

Must be.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see the phrase "clown car vagina" anywhere in this post or the comments. I just want to ensure that your standing as America's preeminent clown car vagina humorist is upheld.

Lady Entropy said...

Oh Chez, I love you! Will you come be my puppy? You can sleep on the discarded comforter at the foot of my bed. I will love you and squeeze you and call you George. As proof of my devotion, here are some fishy grocery receipts and a bag of support group tokens, my darling! Whee!

Che Grovera said...

Holy crap, where's Androcles when you need him? Whatever that thing is sticking in Anonymous' craw, it needs to be removed pronto!

we8.us said...

Which plate
would you have ate
at which place with Kate?