Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Robots & Disgust

Just wanted to put this out there: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie ever made.

Seriously -- the worst EVER.

It's mindless, pointless, endless, racist, sexist and infuriatingly infantile crap -- and this is coming from someone who really enjoyed the original.

Somebody please kick Michael Bay in the balls for this thing.


Riles said...

Bad movie, yes, but I will say it was slightly better than the first, mainly because I could tell what the fuck was going on in the fight scenes. The first one was soo berserker, it was hard to follow. Tyrese should have been completely cut from the movie, as well as the Jar Jar-ish roommate character. Terrible. Why do movies insist on having the whining, scared character? SO fucking annoying.

And no apologies here, Megan Fox is smokin' hot, and I have no problem watching her for a couple hours.

Best part though? Saw it for free.

Chez said...

Not one redeeming quality. Not one. The first one was dumb, but it was fun. This was just painful and insulting -- and you really had any clue what the hell was going on in those ridiculous, never-ending action sequences?

Man, even Megan Fox annoyed the piss out of me. I almost walked out several times but I was curious to see how much worse it could get. Now I want those two and a half hours of my life back. I want to fly to Sweden or something and have them snip a lobe in my brain so that I can't remember seeing the fucking thing.

I hated the movie. HATE, HATE, HATED it. And I'm not sure I've ever said something like that before.

MataHari said...

Thanks for saving me a headache and some cash.

Stephen said...

I haven't walked out of a movie since Dune. Maybe I should go see this so I can replace the title in that sentence.

Stephanie said...

If there was EVER any doubt in my mind about not seeing this movie, you've now completely removed it. I thought it was just me getting old. Thanks for the heads up Chez.

Anonymous said...

Hrm, im really not sure why but I dug it. It was pretty bad, as far as things go, but not worse than independance day, or the mummy, or hell even die hard.
All movies I love the shit out off, plotholes I could drive a truck thru and all.

Anonymous said...

So glad to see that, one by one, people are having the same realization about this new Transformers turd that I had about the first one. Michael Bay hates human beings so much, even Todd Solondz does a double take.

Dan said...

Not having seen it yet myself (I'm not willing to drop the $12 at this point), I've heard that Skids and Mudflap are basically Jar-jar Binks in a car.

Not impressed by that.

I guess the writing budget all went into CGI and silicone.

oskar said...

...it can't have been worse than Batman & Robin.

If Shithead LeBoof had been around in 1997, he probably would've been in it for sure.

Prophet of Ra said...

who walks out on Dune?

Chez said...

It made Batman and Robin look like Citizen Kane.

Chris said...

Thanks for saving me the effort Chez, I owe you. And to think I was thinking about going to see it this week.

Vermillion said...

Wait...hit the fucking brakes.

Did somebody just say that Transformers wasn't worse ... than DIE HARD?!?!?!?!!!

My...my heart just stopped. Call...help...please....*hack, wheeze, thud*

Chez said...

Yeah, that got me too.

celery said...

the sad thing is how many people know this in advance and still go and pay the 9-12 bucks. the sadder thing is that the studios can count on this every single time they choose to produce a product with a built in audience and put enough money into marketing.

while the independent film business is struggling to survive (to put it mildly), the average marketing budget for a hollywood film is equal to its production budget. so long as people keep putting their asses in mediocre-to-terrible blockbuster seats (and not supporting or demanding great films) , then the machine will keep a rollin', and the great writers and creators will go to television, where at least there are *some* spaces that allow for innovation and quality.

Chez said...

What should be made clear is that I have nothing against big budget studio films. So far, Star Trek is the best movie I've seen all year -- it's just balls-out fantastic in every way.

And to be honest, I have nothing against Michael Bay, per se. Once again -- dumb fun. I loved the original Bad Boys and can sit through Armageddon and Transformers without any problem whatsoever. Strangely though, it seems to be his sequels where he's really just allowed to go off the rails -- taking things way, way too far. Bad Boys 2 was fucking atrocious and suffered quite a bit from what the new Transformers movie does: It's offensive in its ugly, stupid humor; its plot is fucking ridiculous and indecipherable; and you really hate -- honestly hate -- the guy who spent so much money foisting it on you.

Alex said...

I found a good video summary of the movie and it is only a minute long.

Hex said...

The question that I found myself asking when I walked out of the this movie was "Wait, what *was* it I liked so much about the first one, again?"

After giving it some thought, I think that much like the handful of other Michael Bay movies (or in many cases -- during the first half of many Michael bay movies that then fell apart quickly afterwards) is that there was a charm to the characters that somehow created a balance to the chaos and wooden-ness that the CGI robots brought to the table.

It's weird to say, because he's no great actor and he had a really tiny part in the original, but the secret ingredient in the first one just might have been Josh Duhamel's character.

This one was a lot more robots, their family(!?) struggles, and a lot more scenes that reeked of "OK we've got Tuturro for a week, what can we do with him? Wait, are you eating a sandwich? That's IT -- Deli scene, GO!!!"

Also, the movies core message that young men should choose traveling off to some faraway college over staying home with Megan Fox is hopelessly flawed.

Anonymous said...

If you want a movie with explosions, go watch a Michael Bay movie.

If you want anything else (like plot, direction, good script, acting), there's plenty out there for you.

As someone I know said, "Star Trek was maybe a 5/10 on the explosions scale. Transformers 2 was 8/10."

This of course made me wonder what their 10/10 would look like.

I think many people miss the point of good mindless fun anymore.

Vermillion said...

See that is just irritating. I hate the "turn off your brain, it's just mindless fun" argument because it supposes two things:

1) That the brain simply has a logic switch that you can set to "bullshit" whenever you want. It just doesn't work that way. Stuff like that can dig into your brain and never let go. IF you manage to avoid it, yay for you.

2) That suspension of disbelief means buying every piece of bullshit they lob at you. I can swallow giant robots as much as anyone, but at least let the movie make sense in its own damn universe, instead of contradicting everything from not only the first one, but also stuff happening in the SAME DAMN MOVIE.

And I will wager good money that most of the people saying "it is mindless fun" are only using it as a rationalization for paying good money on such a ridiculous film, instead of facing the fact they got hoodwinked.

Nkem said...

The best comment I'd read on Transformers 2:

Instead of seeing Transformers, I'm going to pay two tall hobos in toy robot helmets to swing sacks of discarded electronics at each other.

But celery, one of the more interesting reads I found touches on that exact question: why do people pay to see something that they already can tell will be crap... I wish I could find it :-(

Nika said...

Even though I saw it, I can't agree or disagree with you. I don't remember a single thing about it. It's like my subconscious completely erased it from my mind. It's a little freaky, but I'm glad.

drater said...

I took my nephew to see it, I knew it would be bad but still wasn't prepared. The humor was beyond juvenile, totally cringeworthy. I do have to say it was nice to get up and pee without having to hurry for fear of missing something. So if anyone does get forced into seeing this disaster, do yourself a favor and buy the biggest Coke the theater sells. Even if you have kidney stones. Or diabetes.

Sad that this is one of the biggest blockbusters of the year, if not the biggest.

QuickBrownFox said...

Well Chez I actually have to disagree with you on this one. Maybe it's because I watched it in an IMAX theater, but I found the movie quite enjoyable for a Summer Blockbuster Action-Fest.

Not to mention that seeing Megan Fox (in practically HD) on a huge screen was quite "mmmmmm"!

Master Mahan said...

Somebody please kick Michael Bay in the balls for this thing.

Two problems with that. First of all, Transformers 2 has a nut shot per minute ratio topped only by Hans Moleman's "Man Getting Hit By Football", so there's a pretty good chance Bay will get off on it.

Second, Michael Bay just spent $300 million compensating for his tiny genitals. It'll be tricky to hit a target that small.

Gregg said...

I usually read these comments with for the voyeuristic experience; some extra snark always helps and the crowd at DXM always brings more to the table than the usual banter in the comments at most places........BUT, I gotta weigh in on this.

I'm not here to disagree with Chez, because I can't. Its his opinion. His opinion can't be disagreed with (or agreed) with because its his opinion, not a quantifiable piece of data.

However, the process of people who watch movies and then state that the movie is poor or lacking and that others should not watch it annoys the hell out of me. Not so much Chez, whether he likes it or not doesn't really mattter to me, but the concept of people bemoaning this films qualities is baffling. Its CGI robots, Maxim models and the good looking guy du jour in a "story" about toys from our youth.

This goes to the basic point of expectations; if you go see this movie, what are your expectations? If knowing the above criteria, (also, I forgot, its a Michael Bay film) you expect anything but what was shown, that would be analogous to being upset at the state of your digestive system after having Taco Bell!

Movies are like music, clothes, art, etc. Some people will love this. I took 3 of my kids (15, 18, 21) and we thought it was fun. The CGI was awesome; the rest didn't matter so much. We laughed at the cliched dialog, thought Tutturo (spelling?) was the only funny part, and did I mention that the robots looked awesome. If these same qualities had been present in say, Burn after Reading then I would have been disappointed. Its the difference between listening to Jonatha Brooke (great to see her getting love BTW) and PJ Harvey or Lady Gaga and Britney Spears. Most of the time I chill to JB and PJ, but I can appreciate a little shallow pop when the teenagers want to dance. It doesn't mean its quantifiably good or bad, just that its not for me.

Enough of the rant about that. I love all things special effect, but it would be great to see more films that did not fit some formula. We'll always have the summer blockbuster, the rom com, the slasher, etc. and I would not want to change that, but there has to be room in the market for something that hasn't already been done repeatedly, each one just substituting the newest popular celebrity. So I agree with Celery above about supporting indie films, but don't agree that watching Transformers and its like has anything to do with their present state. That's because they appeal to the masses, and as ugly as that is, the studios run a business. They make things people want to see. If more people want depth in their cinema, the few films that are out there that fit that description would make more money. I think you are confusing symptom and disease.

Lastly, the "big dumb fun" concept works. Its not a rationalization. Its the same things as eating Funyuns or listening to The Darkness. I know what they are, but sometimes thats what I want.

Only the 2nd time I have ever commented; love what Chez does here.

Vermillion said...

Gregg: There is a difference between low expectations and none at all.

I may not expect fine dining or a stable colon at Taco Bell, but can I at least expect not to have excrement from some diseased vermin interlaced as well? Or maybe not get a severed finger? I mean, when can I stop setting my expectations so damn low?

I agree that sometimes, crap (whether it is food, movies, etc.) hits the spot. But there is a line. A Rubicon of Crap, if you will, where if something cross it, then there is no return; it is just unmitigated garbage. Moving the line doesn't make the stuff better, it just makes you convinced you are satisfied with more and more crap.

Gregg said...

Vermillion: understood, its the disagreement that makes this interesting to me.

My point is that my line and your line are in different places about this movie; thats opinion so it cant be wrong or right but to ourselves.

My second point is that our individual opinion should not influence others about things that are individualistic experiences. You thought it was crap; I got what I expected, we are BOTH right. Your opinion about how to pay for health care, my children's education, gay rights, etc. could influence me as those are items that interest me and and I am seeking to be more educated (allowing input from fact and opinion), but not so much about what entertains me. Your opinion about that simply isn't relevant (to me), nor mine to you.

Brandon said...

Transformers was precisely what I wanted.. honestly, it could have been two hours of giant robots punching each other (with cuts to slomo MF running sequences),and I would have enjoyed it just as much.

I didn't go looking for plot, I didn't go looking for character development, I did go looking for cool looking shit and pretty girls. And that's what I got.

Skids/Mudflap were bad.. but I knew going in that most people had compared to JarJar, just more racist. And I still paid to see it. I just wanted to check out and watch stuff blow up, and this movie served that purpose.

Mr. Controversy said...

I saw this turkey in IMAX, and it was the most useless IMAX presentation since Poseidon. Never have I been so bored with explosions before.

Chez said...

Exactly! Boring explosions. Who'd have thought?

Mr. Controversy said...

I know! And strangely enough it was more annoying in IMAX because they'd switch aspect ratio at random in the finale. Parts would be full IMAX and others standard blown up widescreen. It only confirms my believe that Michael Bay edits his films like he shoots them: strapped into a harness, jacked up on coke, wearing a pair of asshole aviator sunglasses and holding a camera whilst spouting things like "Awesome. Action. AWESOMEACTIONGOEXPLODINGTITS!"

Which leads me to another, bigger question: will Michael Bay explode Megan Fox's tits in Transformers 3? That seems to be the point he's rapidly approaching in his filmmaking style.

anoncollie said...

Speaking as a follower of the fandom, I can tell you Chez, that the nerds of the world want an even bigger piece of Bay than you do.


Bay introduced several big characters on both sides of the conflict, and used them once with none of their personality.

Plus I can't forgive him for Megatron. Megatron doesn't follow anyone's orders. He gives them, he's a megalomaniacal fascist bent on universal domination. So this fanatical devotion to the "Fallen" was absolute horseshit.
Starscream didn't challenge Megatron's rule, and Soundwave was regulated to just on the sidelines.

On the Autobot side, Ironhide and Ratchet maybe had two minutes of screen time and a line apiece, despite being introduced in the last film.
And don't even get me started on the twins. It's been said, but they were a racist version of Jar Jar Binks.

ZIRGAR said...

There was a headline from The Onion which said it best: Michael Bay Paid 50 Million Dollars to Fuck Up Thunder Cats. The article was awesome.

Almost anything Brett Ratner touches is as bad as anything by Bay, which isn't good news for anyone who loves good cinema.