Sunday, June 21, 2009

Daddy Care Day


I never thought of Father's Day as a particularly trying holiday on the psyche. It's not the kind of thing that evokes images of soldiers dodging bullets on a beach or an entire race of people escaping bondage at the hands of its oppressors or anything like that.

But when you're not with your new baby girl for her first Father's Day, it's damn near excruciating.

For all the dads out there -- thanks for everything, and hold your kids extra tightly today.

Happy Father's Day, everyone.

23 comments:

Tabitha said...

Happy Father's Day to you, it's a damn shame.

Felis Femina said...

Hang in there, I know it's gotta be tough. I hope you get to be reunited with Inara soon...and when you do let us know, we'll go have a pitcher or three at the Beer Garden.

Melissa said...

Happy Father's Day, Chez.

MataHari said...

Even with the tough time you are going through, here's wishing you a Happy Father's Day. I hope future ones are better for you.

Barbara said...

Cherish that feeling. My husband would never have been away from his only child on Father's Day, until he left me last year, and essentially left her, too. She's 20, not the same at all, but she wanted to see him and tried to set it up, he's 12 miles away, no dice.

Anonymous said...

Ah shit that sounds awful chez. I won't say "happy" Father's Day then- but hopefully you can "talk" to her on the phone or if you're lucky enough to have skype? Though I'm sure it doesn't mean much when you can't hug her.

dunno about holding children (I could get arrested) but I'll give my dad a big father/daughter hug for you (and he'll surely be surprised because its not even father's day here!)
Take care, Sara

ref said...

One consolation. At thirteen, she's going to hate her mother with a deep and abiding passion. You? Not so much.

Bill White said...

Damn, I'm sorry.

SteveR said...

My wife and I celebrate Valentine's Day on the 15th. At first it was because it was so hard to get a table on the 14th, but it has now become our own day to celebrate as a couple.

It may be small comfort for you now, but as time goes on, you might want to create your own Father's Day on a day when you two can actually be together. On that day, the memories you create can be your own.

Screw Hallmark, in other words.

Anyway, I hope future Father's Days are happier, Chez.

Jen said...

happy father's day, chez.

Heather said...

Happy Father's Day my friend. Cold comfort, I know, but I'm thinking of you today; especially after the health scare with my own Dad this week and then my brother becoming a father himself for the first time just days later. I am sorry you couldn't be with her today, but I'm sure she feels your love all the same.

robpo said...

Blah. Fathers Day is silly. I have a 15 month old peach, so i feel entitled to say that. I did get to play golf Sat. and go solo to the bar Sat. night to hang with an old friend, I'll attribute it to Fathers Day gift, but I still think its a silly thing. Everyday is Fathers Day and everyday is Mothers Day when we have kids. Your pain should be no worse today than any other. Just my opinion. Peace from Iowa, Chez. Keep up the good work.

kanye said...

My wife took both of our kids to her grandparent's farm in Iowa for the weekend, so I'm kidless as well.

I did get the obligatory phone call, "HiDadHappyFathersDayLoveYouBye!" Just like that; one big word. I guess Dad can't compete with horseback riding. Fucking horses.

You're one day closer to getting her back. Hang your hat on that for bit.

Che Grovera said...

*quietly and deliberately ascends soapbox*

I wish I had a message, but I don't. The best I can come up with today is a lament. Please hear me out.

I've been sperm donor to four daughters, by way of two mothers. I didn't hear from any of them today (kids or exes, for those keeping score). Woe is me, I'm an asshole -- everybody take sides.

I was separated from the first two when they were not much older than Inara is now, yet we maintained at least a superficial connection across the continent over the years. The choice to move across the country after the divorce was mine; my ex moved back to her small (pop. 50,000) hometown and I simply couldn't justify following her there. They haven't forgiven me since. I attended both of their high school graduations, but the grudge their mother helped them nurse is a formidable barrier.

I was separated from the second two at a much later age (relative to Inara). The divorce happened while they were in grade school, but it has lasted until now...when the oldest is about to enter high school. Men, if a woman EVER accuses you of abuse: you MUST find the way to pay a lawyer. No matter how you feel about lawyers, or the system, or anything at all -- if you want to see your kids again you will need a lawyer to have even the remotest chance of maintaining that fragile right. Alec Baldwin was right. I didn't think I could afford one at the time (and in all candor I probably couldn't have without resorting to living in my car). At this point I have no idea if I'll ever see or talk to these girls again. No charges were ever filed and no court action is pending (i.e., in the eyes of the law I am not a criminal and I have full parental rights), yet she has been able to maneuver the temporary protective order into a legal hermitdom. Her (vengeful?) objective was for me to have no interaction with "her" children, and current law gives her the means to accomplish her ends.

I've commented before that there are numerous similarities between mine and Chez' biographies. Thus, I hope to God that Chez is able to carve a different fate for himself relative to his offspring.

Romantics are a peculiar breed. I married again. I found out why today. My stepdaughter -- whom I have had the pleasure of knowing since she was 11 -- insisted on taking me out for Father's Day brunch (spending her own money from her job). Just me and her, since I don't have any kids who acknowledge me. The mere fact that her mother raised such a fine human being is reason enough for me to love her -- mother, daughter, take your pick -- for all of eternity.

I have no idea why I'm writing. Yet lamentation is feeble, so I must have a message.

Love. Hard.

Sheriff Bart said...

Happy Father's Day to you. I was going to send you an ice cream tie cake, but the closest thing they had was a whale cake.
This wasn't the best ice cream shop in the world.
I don't even know if you like ice cream.
Faith, brotha.

Sarahmp said...

my husband is on tour (music not military) and he's been very sad to be without our girls today. He knows your sadness. how is your darling Inara these days?

Chez said...

Guys, thanks for all the well wishes and the kind sentiments (particularly yours, Che; I'm so sorry). I thought it went without saying, but maybe it does actually need to be said: The sadness I feel on Father's Day isn't meant to be an indictment of Jayne. My wife wasn't with Inara on Mother's Day either -- the only difference in my mind being that the decision to split up our family in the first place is coming much more from her side than mine. Still, Jayne's taking great care of Inara and she loves her very much. It's tough to reconcile this with the fact that after three decades or so of being accused of being a self-centered jerk I've finally come around to putting family first only to now be put in a position where I'm separated from my wife and child. But I still don't want to slam Jayne for this. I just don't. I'm angry a lot -- and sad, and heartbroken, and empty -- but it won't do me any good to lash out in Jayne's direction. It'll probably just make me feel worse.

Nadine said...

Chez-- I'm sad that you can't be with your obviously beautiful and very intelligent Inara(a gorgeous name, BTW) to share your first Dad's day.
I'm not going to say the usual things like you two are sharing the day in your hearts and so on, because it just sucks not to be able to share the day with your Dad. My Dad died last year on leap day.
One thing I know, though, Inara does know who her Daddy is, and will always know that.
Nadine

Che Grovera said...

Set aside a few bottles of that bonhomie toward Jayne -- however forced -- for later, Chez. No matter your intentions or your desires today, divorce court is designed to ignite conflict and to then stoke it mercilessly. It's difficult anymore to recall, but there was a time with my second ex when I would actually spend some or all of my designated visitation time hanging with the kids at her house (to avoid the logistical overhead of going somewhere else). That was before she changed lawyers in an effort to chisel more money out of me; it was all downhill after that. The kids wound up as pawns, not unlike the way Kate Gosselin (whose physical and emotional resemblance to my ex is unnerving) uses/needs her kids as lifestyle props. I have no idea what the dynamic is between you and Jayne, but given what I think I know about your temperament I would suggest in the strongest terms possible that you attempt to resolve any and every conflict or contentious issue between you and use court only to notarize whatever agreements the two of you reach. Court and lawyers have a toxic effect on ambitious people -- people like my ex, and possibly people like Jayne (based on what little I think I know about her).

Chez said...

Wow. Kate Gosselin and Jayne in the same paragraph. That's kind of entertaining.

I do my best, Che. That's all I can do at this point.

Ally said...

There's nothing for it.

My heart hurts for you, and if we were neighbors, I'd bring over a key lime pie, hand you a fork and sit in silence with you while we scarfed. Sometimes, that's as good as it gets on hard days.

Che Grovera said...

I doubt that I need to explain it to you, Chez, but no direct comparison between Kate Gosselin and Jayne was intended. Sorry if the juxtaposition threw you. Staying out of court is common sense advice, and the rest is just grandstanding on my part. Just keep working on staying afloat.

Chez said...

Oh I know that, Che. And obviously I wasn't inferring any. Jayne would never get that ridiculous haircut.