Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sunday Sacrilege

An alert reader sent me this link and I have to say, it's such a treasure trove of hilarious insanity that every time I go back and read through it, I feel like I find new comedic gold that I somehow missed before -- which makes it the gift that keeps on giving.

Basically, what you're about to read is a website/online support group for young Christian men who valiantly struggle with the evil of "porn addiction." At face value, there's technically nothing wrong with this; if you feel like an infatuation with porn is ruining your life then it would make sense to want to avoid it and, of course, finding others in your unique situation who can offer a few words of wisdom from the front might be a benefit to you. But needless to say, as with anything that involves Christianity, the idea of obsessing about porn and letting it control your life quickly degenerates into half-baked Christ-themed scare tactics and conspiracy theories about how watching porn will eventually and inevitably lead to killing yourself because you wake up one morning with the family dog in your bed and your penis smelling like wet fur.

Case in point:

"What I am about to say will not be easy to hear.

Ok. I have been on this 'battle front' for quite some time, and in my experience, this is not abnormal.

It is not right, but its not abnormal.

Let me explain.

This addiction grows. It gets worst over time.
This is (in my experience with myself and helping others) usually how it progresses. For guys it usually starts with pictures of girls (mostly clothed). Soon the guys need more, and it turns to full nudity in the pictures.
Ok. Then that isn't enough. Soon it starts to become videos of girls nude.
But wait... Its never enough. The addiction keeps growing. Just seeing a girl nude isn't enough, you need to see a sexual act.
So now you have gone from viewing pictures of girls partly clothed all the way up to watching videos of sex.

Does it stop there? No.

Soon, watching normal sexual relationship between a man and a woman is not enough to satisfy the hunger of your growing addiction. Here is where things start to spit. I know of four main ways things can go after that...

1. The first path is rape. Watching videos and viewing pictures of rape. Scary right? No. Whats scary is the next step after this. When pictures were not enough, you wanted something more real, and you turned to videos. What happens when videos are not enough? The vast amount of rapists out there really did start off with a simple porn addiction.
(note: Not everyone with a porn addiction will progress all the way to these last stages, but it has happened, and no doubt will happen a lot more)

2. Homosexuality. Soon the addiction starts to alter your mind, and you start to look for homosexual situations to view. Again, watching is not enough and you start to look around OFF the computer for homosexual relationships. You start to seek out the actual act of homosexual sex.

3. Incest. Again, your mind is being warped by this addiction, and you are starting to view younger and younger people as attractive. So you start entering into the real 'illegal' porn areas. You view what is basically rape of children. And once again, viewing soon isn't enough. The addiction is growing, and you want more. Pedophilia soon results.

4. Bestiality. Man and woman are not enough, you start to seek things outside the 'box'. Soon a relationship with other species seems attractive to you. And once again viewing eventually wont be enough.

All these steps you would have probably found disgusting to you when you first started, but as things progressed and your heart hardens to this sin, things that would have appalled and shocked you now become acceptable.

A person may not take any of these paths, or they may combine them.
Some people can easily stop themselves from moving onto the stage, and simply 'satisfy their addictions hunger' by staying anywhere from the 'hardcore' videos to never moving beyond the partially clothed pictures."

Oh yeah, and just about every kid on this thing is trying to come to terms with the fact that he's gay. Hell, they even debate whether Jesus might have had gay urges.

Tell me that doesn't rule.

So for this link and the picture, which I'm most certainly going to hell for if such a thing exists, I thank you, Mike.

Teens Against Porn


Mozglubov said...

I don't think that person knows what incest means...

marija said...

This is so utterly surreal...their names, and the pictures, and the quotes... priceless!

Van Stuard said...

A post on the forum from All4Jesus who initiated the thread:

Thanks you all for all the advice and wisdom you've given me. I can only imagine what I'd be masturbating to now if I hadn't found this site.And now we all know EXACTLY what he's masturbating to.

toastie said...

Did you see turtle_jay's avatar? (He's the Teens Against Pornography administrator).

Aconite said...

Quoting from a few posts down that thread:

Thanks you all for all the advice and wisdom you've given me. I can only imagine what I'd be masturbating to now if I hadn't found this site.Is that relief, longing, or gratitude at having found better jerk-off material thanks to his/her new friends?

Nubile young teens surreptitiously masturbating and confessing their deepest, darkest, guiltiest transgressions... Sounds like perfect fantasy fodder to me!

Figgylicious said...

Everything about this just. totally. fucking. rules.

Izar Talon said...

Oh man, wow, this is just... wow. HA! I can't decide if it's funny or creepy. I guess it's both.

Lily's Mommy said...

Wow. I. wow.

So gay thoughts don't make you gay. So what do they think makes someone gay? When gay people aren't fucking, are they straight? Just curious.

I'm a little logic challenged but even I see the holes (achem) in this.

countryjoe said...

Yep, that's how it starts. 10 yrs. old and the underwear section of the Sears catalog. I'm 53 and haven't let up yet, though I have moved on to the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Sheriff Bart said...

Need to call my accountabilabuddy.

Bill White said...

OK, you've had your Sunday fun. Now let's get serious. Just like being on the drink, porn is addictive and leads to all of those debaucherous things listed in a mocking tone on this far left blog. Let's not forget that Ted Bundy, the serial rapist killer started out by purchasing copies of National Pornographic and Big MaMas. Believe me, Bundy confessed this. Just imagine if a Christ-centered person got involved with Bundy. He might be alive today and lookin' like that handsome fella from that CSI show--even though I think CSI stands for Communists, Socialists and Inept-Secular Progressives. Anyway, porn is an addiction mostly with men who have lust in their pants. I admit that I have lust in my pants, but Christ gets me through the day. If I see those photos of gorgeous Sarah Palin or Miss California, I try to picture Jesus sodomizing me with a rusty pole or I think of the my hero Rush applying hemmoroidal ointment--no offense to you Rush, but just thinking of that rids me of wanting to cheat om my beautiful wife.
OK, so you had your fun today. Now back to work after I cleanse my right hand..m

Lisa said...

Ha! Yes "Toastie", I too am intrigued by "turtle jay's" avatar! What the hell IS that thing? I know! It's a creationism dinosaur.

What an odd odd world we live in.

Lisa said...

Thanks Chez; I actually had some other things to take care of tonight but now I'm hooked. This shit is beyond hilarious! Look for all the hidden innuendos:
(from a poster discussing the porn industry)

"we have to test everything
I thank God for anybody anywhere is pointing people to the mysteries of God. But those people would tell you to think long and hard about what they are saying.
Test it. Probe it.
Do that with this. Dont swallow it uncritically.
Think about it.Wrestle with it.
Just because I am a christian doesnt meen that Ive got it nailed. I am contributing to the conversation."

I mean, come ON! "long and hard"; "probe it"; "swallow". Oh, this is gold Chez, pure gold!

Mike Barber said...

You're welcome, Chez... and I'll see you in Hell (for if I am wrong and there actually is a Hell, I am surely going there too).

I hope everyone takes the time to read all the way to the second page, because the shit just keep getting better. I can't tell if it is irony in its purist form, or just plain bat-shit insanity.

Right from the top of the linked thread... the OP, known as All4Jesus, makes the initial post saying "Sometimes I find myself looking at gay porn, even to the point of masturbation. Im not gay, but something about guys makes me [...] horny."

The amount of denial is mind-bottling. But not only that, he's an impatient mofo. Check out the timestamp difference between the initial post and his subsequent one, "please respond." It's 16 minutes!

ANd my most recently discovered pearl: on page 2 you get to see a long list of trite quotes in brobinson's sig, and who does he end with? Oscar Wilde.

Mike Barber said...

And to follow up on Acontine's comment:

I wonder how many priests troll that forum for their own masturbation material...

Geetch said...

That picture's pretty awesome. This past Easter, my brother looked up at the sky, spread out his arms, and said, "OMG, why have you forsaken me?" When I told that to a friend, he showed me a cartoon his friend had drawn of Jesus on the cross saying, "LOL, BRB."

marija said...

As the ex-gay guy who now converts the "confused people" in Religulous explained - no one is born gay. One can only be confused and then find the right path thanks to our lord jesus christ. aha. yeah right. fucking self-deluded idiots.

Anonymous said...

Ok Chez, come clean....your Bill White no?

He has to be a joke, right?

If not, Bill should moderate the Teens Against

Pornography fourm.

Thanks for the laugh great way to start a Monday.

Anonymous said...

The link! I can't find the link - please, someone post the link before I wank again!

L. said...

'Man and woman are not enough, you start to seek things outside the 'box'.'

I know it's juvenile, but the use of the phrase outside the box in that context made me laugh out loud. At work.

drater said...

Bill W., my friend, that was Al Bundy who purchased National Pornographic and Big Mamas.

Jean Lafitte said...

So he's saying that lusting after women leads to lusting after men leads to lusting after children leads to lusting after sheep. Right.

Jason said...

On a porn site I visited recently:

"Would you like two women to dress up as Rabbis? Then beat you with ham?"

Yes, yes I would.

Sheriff Bart said...

Bill White. I've just fallen in love with you.
Take me, sir. Take me hard.

Gabby said...

I would like to view that site... but I'm afraid one visit won't be enough. Then the next thing I know, I'll want to see the pictures of those who are posting so I can imagine what their childhood was like for them to feel so ashamed of liking sexual imagery... then that won't be enough and I'll want to reply anonymously to their posts saying, "Look guy, you have a penis and people with penises tend to REALLY THINK ABOUT SEX A LOT and that's Ok. Even girls look at porn..."... then, after a little while, I'll need to see them in person and sit them down over a beer, a copy of Hustler and a sharpie... And then that won't be enough... and I am frankly too scared to think of what the next step in my downward spiral would be. But I do know it would be terribly unChristian.

Gabby said...

Jason - that reminds me of the porkchop scene from "Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex *But Were Afraid To Ask"

Truth is stranger...

Andrew Smash said...

This is such a perfect comment on our an urge that makes you uncomfortable, one that makes you feel guilty or confused? Congratulations, you have an addiction - you are NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE - you are a VICTIM. That means that all those bad pornographers, beer makers, shop owners, etc... are trying to take advantage of your poor, lily white soul. Maybe God will give you the strength to survive. Or maybe you should quit whining, take responsibility, and y'know, remove yourself from situations you can't control yourself in...nah, too hard.

Deacon Blue said...

I have GOT to check that out.

Myself? Totally in favor of porn, though I do try to consume porn that seems least likely to be exploiting anyone/victimizing anyone.

Hell, my Christian wife is all in favor of porn, since it keeps me busy when she doesn't want to deal with my libido.

Not to mention that if I didn't have porn, I'd probably be a two-minute man when she did want to deal with my libido.

If I had time, I would start a site called "Christians Supporting Porn." Or maybe for acronym's sake, a better name would be "Christian Orgasms Mediated by Erotica" (COME)

Tracer Bullet said...

5. Incestuous gay bestiality. Freak.