Friday, May 01, 2009

Judge Dread


So Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced that he'll be retiring, putting President Obama in the position of making yet another decision, in just his first few months in office, that will have consequences for this country that reach far beyond his presidency. Unfortunately, whomever he picks won't tip the overall ideology of the High Court, given that Souter -- who was appointed by the first President Bush -- shocked the crap out of his GOP benefactors by typically siding with the court's liberal minority in ruling after ruling. This unconscionable betrayal earned him instant apostate status and with it the kind of ire from the far right usually reserved for gay pedophiles or people who don't stand for the National Anthem at NASCAR races.

What this means, though, is that very soon we'll be treated to a Senate Judiciary Committee confirmation hearing sure to be contentious, to say the least. It would've been anyway, but Jesus, with the state of the GOP right now -- the daily bukkake of crazy coming from the disarrayed pack of howler monkeys that used to be an actual political party -- can you imagine what Obama's nominee is going to have to endure? P.T. Barnum couldn't have come up with something like what we're gonna see.

Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont, Chairman): These proceedings are now called to order. The chair recognizes the...

Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma): If... If I may, Mr. Chairman. I think it's imperative that the nominee immediately address rumors that she once masturbated to thoughts of Karl Marx. Is that true?

Sen. Patrick Leahy: I'm sorry, Senator Coburn -- but I fail to see the...

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina): ARE YOU NOT A WITCH, MA'AM?

Sen. Leahy (banging gavel repeatedly): Please. This hearing will come to order, Senators.

Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) (suddenly standing and raising his finger): Mr. Chairman, the distinguished gentleman from the Independent Republic of Texas wishes to be heard. Remember the Alamo!

Sen. Lindsay Graham: MA'AM, ARE YOU NOT A CARRIER OF THE SWINE FLU?

Sen. Jon Kyl (R-Arizona): Riddle me this -- how do you feel about gay marriage abortions? Would you be surprised to learn that I am the product of one?

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mr. Chairman, I wish to go on the record and apologize to Rush Limbaugh if I insulted him by using the word "swine" a few moments ago. I am deeply sorry for the offense.

Lindsay Graham pulls a small caliber pistol from his jacket and shoots himself in the head.

Sen. Tom Coburn: MY GOD, IT'S ALL BARACK OBAMA'S FAULT!

Sen. Jon Kyl: We must immediately invade Liechtenstein!

Sen. John Cornyn: Texas pledges four troops, a couple of highway patrolmen in mirrored sunglasses, the corpse of Janis Joplin and a pick-up truck full of Mexican day laborers, all named Juan, to the war effort!

Cornyn stands and begins singing ZZ Top's Tush.

Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama): If I may, ma'am -- what are your thoughts on replacing the U.S. Constitution with a sexually explicit memo written by Bill O'Reilly to Andrea Mackris?

The body of Lindsay Graham twitches; with his last gasp he shouts: FREEEEEDOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

Michele Bachmann's head appears from under the table in front of Orrin Hatch. She wipes her mouth then seductively licks a large gold crucifix dangling atop her cleavage.

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) (smiling with satisfaction): Mr. Chairman, I move we adjourn for the day.

Leahy bangs the gavel once, throws it over his shoulder, gets up and walks out.

21 comments:

Mas Triste said...

In the continuing effort to avoid being a prisoner of the present, I would like to just add that there is some history that is being overlooked.

The whole “advice and consent of the Senate” [Article II, Section 2, paragraph 2] thing began as a fairly amicable process. Political ideology did not play a role in this process until Harlan.

It has spiraled downwards since.

The current contentiousness truly began, designedly, on June 26, 2001. On that date, Senator Charles Schumer chaired a hearing titled "Judicial Nominations 2001: Should Ideology Matter?".

That hearing ushered in the unimaginable process that you implore us to anticipate “what Obama's nominee is going to have to endure?”

Hey, I’m just sayin’….

QuickBrownFox said...

Now I'd watch C-SPAN for a show like that!

Suzy said...

I hope Obama nominates Bill Clinton. That'll be a fucking riot.

Anonymous said...

that sound about right...

God help us, but, that sounds like how it will probably go.

Matt Osborne said...

Assuming you know Judge Dredd from the comics and not that abortion of a Stallone craptacular, you just earned MAJOR cool-points with that title.

Chez said...

I wouldn't reference it if it was just a Stallone vehicle to me.

Ref said...

Mas Triste, nice short memory. Schumer was just acknowledging reality. Unfortunately, the scenario above may be close to the reality. I'm considering offering a prize to the first media figure with the courage to point out that none of those prospects mentioned so far are any further to the left than Roberts and Alito are to the right.

Anonymous said...

Let me understand... You mock your ideological subordinates in their zealousness to protect you from an enemy that recruits people based on ideological zealotry?

Is this correct?

Matt Osborne said...

Where's your fan club??

toastie said...

Brilliant, although I'd have Orrin Hatch conclude with his soaring hymn "Heal Our Land".

Mas Triste said...

Ref, don't get me wrong...SCOTUS desperately needs a strong and progressive voice; two, in fact. Can you imagine if Stevens or Ginsburg would have fallen ill a year ago?

But we cant afford to bullshit ourselves into believing that there are any clean hands inside the beltway.

Anonymous said...

I could have stood for it to be less sexist.

Chez said...

Everybody's a critic.

Anonymous said...

I could have stood for it to be more sexist.

James said...

"the daily bukkake of crazy coming from the disarrayed pack of howler monkeys that used to be an actual political party"

Chez this is why I look forward to reading your work everyday

Stephen said...

Can you read that part about Bachman again?

Harold McGruther said...

Everybody's a realist.

Tracer Bullet said...

If the GOP was smart, they won't shoot their wad on this one. Souter's retirement doesn't change the balance of the court anyway. Better for them to save their fire in the event Ginsberg retires or Scalia chokes on the tibia of a small child. So, of course, they will raise all manner of hell over this.

Zeromark said...

Chez, you never fail to amuse with your predicted conversations of our semi-trusted elected representatives.

Assuming that Sen. Lindsay Graham doesn't have a number of bullet proof plates already installed in his head, that is.

Bill White said...

I confess parts of your writing excited me here, Chez. That passage with the gorgeous and talented Ms. Bachmann was too much for me to handle.
I'm actually on the same page with you on this. Not much will change on the court. That Souter fella was a major disappointment and turned out to be a rotten Godless liberal. For that, he needs to burn in h-ll (can't write that out, I'm a gentleman).
Because of people like Souter, our society is slouching to a secular wasteland filled with a disrepect for human life.
Once again,
* Children are on the pill.
* Public schools are dying.
* The far, far left-wing media and Hollyweird are out of control.
* The Taliban are close to getting nukes.
* The evildoers are ready to attack us.
* The deadly flu has crossed our leaking borders.
* Our installed-president is coddling murdering dictators while the far left doesn't do its job to expose this nightmare (well except for FOX News and talk radio).

God help us,
BOW

Anonymous said...

thank the Great Spaghetti Monster that BOW (what a Dog that ole Bill White is!) can give us a clear view of the crazies that the Christian Taliban are. Self-fellate bill, Self-fellate.