Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Jesus Hates Me, This I Know


So while I was at the gym earlier tonight I couldn't help but notice this very cute girl whom I'd seen there a couple of times before.

Now obviously I'm in no state of mind to even consider the possibility of dating -- or even fooling around, for that matter. At any given moment I'm barely keeping my shit together; going through the motions, mental and physical, of trying to pick somebody up just seems preposterous right now. I'm still in the very early stages of the Kubler-Ross grief model and can't help but feel like any intimate encounter would end with me balled up on the floor in my underwear crying to whichever woman had been unlucky enough to get saddled with me for the night about how I miss the way my wife eats edamame. It'd be pathetic and I know it. Sort of like Forgetting Sarah Marshall, only less funny and with fewer Dracula puppets.

But, admittedly, the girl at the gym looked quite a bit like Jayne -- circa 2002, when we first met -- so that's probably what held my attention for a few seconds past the point of propriety. She was petite, with brown hair pulled up in a tight pony tail and wearing a plain white t-shirt and a pair of black leggings. Definitely hard not to notice.

As we were just about the only two people in the gym, we passed each other a couple of times -- without so much as a sideways glance. Then finally, we happened to come from opposite directions around a corner and approach the gym's main water fountain at the same time. I got there a few paces ahead, took a quick sip, then looked up and smiled at her, motioning that the fountain was all hers. She smiled back and leaned in to drink. I turned to walk back in the direction I'd just come from, but curiosity got the best of me and I looked over my shoulder -- just in time to see her turn to the side to look in my direction. Once again, she smiled. Once again, I smiled back.

And then she spun on her heel and began to walk away.

And there, on the back of her shirt, was a silk-screened image of a sneaker -- and around it in black lettering:

"YOUTH FOR CHRIST 5K RUN"

Yeah. This single thing is so gonna suck.

34 comments:

Eric Burke said...

Jesus is built a lot like Arnold S.

Withnail said...

Chez, you have not lived until you've gone on an internet date with a girl whom you discover over the course of three drinks, is actually Born Again and Pro-Life.

And you try to fuck her anyway because you're just that frustrated.

Steven Lloyd Wilson said...

Once in my bitter and single days, I visited the grocery store to purchase orange juice, Stoli, and a clean glass on one fine Friday night. On leaving the store, a shy looking guy in his early twenties approached me, constantly throwing looks back to the couple of other people with whom he was loitering in the name of Jesus.

He invited me to come with them to a bible study this evening and proceeded to tell me very politely the when and where, and how the Lord had a plan for me.

I thought for a moment once he had finished and said, "Okay, you said it finishes at nine right? I'll go with you to the bible study and you can do your best to convert me, and then afterward I get to try to convert you. We'll go to a bar, get hammered and do our best to get laid. Sound fair?"

He panicked, stammered excuses and retreated in a flurry to his companions.

I'm going to hell if it exists, but in my defense, it seems like all the people I'd want to hang out with are going too.

Aconite said...

Ah, the cringe-inducing realization of the perils of "finding someone".

Don't know if you've seen these, but you can take comfort in the fact that you're not these guys:

http://www.whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/http://psychoticlettersfrommen.blogspot.com/And have a good laugh while you're at it. All I can offer you by way of comfort in the mean time is some sympathy and internet hugs from a stranger. :)

kanye said...

Spunk on her titties and then use the shirt to wipe it up. Problem solved.

(I know...special place in Hell, just for me.)

Did you at least offer to spot her while she squatted?

Chez said...

If I really wanna be a dick, I could get myself one of those "God is Awesome" t-shirts and wear it to the gym next time. Only I would know the hilarious Drunken Clownish irony of the whole thing. Still, it'd probably get me a date.

Lily's Mommy said...

I was going to suggest a "Jesus is my Hot Rod" t-shirt. Then you'd seem christian and EDGY.

Bill Orvis White said...

Sounds like the perfect Christ-centered woman for you, Chez. This is just what you need. If you need any advice, just leave a shout-out on my blog. I have experience in this area.
Speaking of beautiful Christ-centered women, that beauty Miss California was on my favorite morning show - Fox and Friends.
Love,
Bill

Chez said...

You know something, Bill. You're probably right. All the women in my life haven't believed in much of anything -- certainly not God -- and we've all seen how seriously they've taken the sanctity of marriage.

I need some religious girl who believes that screwing over her husband gets her sent to hell.

Well, you know, maybe not hell, but at least that there's more riding on making your marriage work than some easily disposable responsibility to a mere human being or a legal document.

Put a little meat behind the vow, eh?

(I'm kidding about all this, by the way. No hate mail, please.)

Anonymous said...

interesting. bill orvis white, the evangelical christian who probably believes the bible - that to put away your wife (divorce) is a sin... suggests it's OK to do that and marry a 'christian' girl.

how convenient.

Mr. Controversy said...

I hate seeing that one girl that reminds you of your ex so much that it helps and hurts you to see them at the same time. Kinda like Jimmy Stewart's dilemma in Vertigo.

SteveR said...

Chez, how do you know that she didn't just buy the shirt to discourage pick-ups at the gym?

Hmmmm?

Gabby said...

Welcome to the jungle. *sigh*

I went on a first date with a guy who picked his teeth TWICE at the table with a steak knife (you know, because he ordered RIBS... on a first date... like a jackass).

If only he'd been wearing a Christian Youth t-shirt or a McCain button or a Looney Tunes tattoo in a visible place - I could have had fair warning and saved myself some frustration and embarrassment.

Consider yourself lucky.

Stephen said...

I suggest an "I fuck on the first date" t-shirt.

Suzy said...

chez, charlene and i run races for causes we don't give a crap about all the time. we like running and traveling and that's why we sometimes even wear the silly t-shirts. i say chat her up. you'd be able to figure out if she's a quack in about ten minutes anyway.

Ally said...

I would go with the shirt, "Jesus saves, he shoots, he scores!"

Yeah, I know. A little dry this morning. Bite me.

justjustyna said...

Consider it a blessing you saw the t-shirt on someone you'd follow. It's time to let go of your pride of a godless existence and read Ecclesiastes by King Solomon.

Everything achieved on this earth is meaningless and men are compared to the grass of a field, life to an empty dream.

North Korea tested its 2nd missile on another American military holiday. So we should not be concerned about the physical anymore, but the spiritual. The Spirit gives life, the flesh counts for nothing.

(for any believers here, just make sure your Church matches up with the Bible, chances are you're being misled)

Chez said...

Still completely immersed in your little cult, eh Justyna?

R said...

I'd be more scared about the 'Youth" part, than the 'Christ" part. You're almost 40. Should you be talking to anyone participating in youth events?

Chez said...

She looked to be in her mid-20s so I'm going to assume she was either a teacher or a church youth counselor.

But yes, I considered that for a minute.

celery said...

justjustyna doesn't understand that if you were only concerned with the physical, then you wouldn't have been turned off. jj accuses you of being superficial, but you were deterred by the woman's values and deep qualities.

Chez said...

Justyna's a really nice girl. She also belongs to a completely lunatic cult and has abandoned everything she used to be in favor of spouting ridiculous end times nonsense programmed into her brain by followers of some daffy fucking Korean guy who they think is the second coming of Jesus.

It's all very, very sad.

I honestly thought that by now somebody who loved her would've pulled an intervention. Not so I guess.

Al said...

Some of the most decadent memories I have were with females that proclaimed their piety (publicly) and yet were rather less prim elsewhere. ;)

R said...

You always have to be wary of the love for Christ that is so devoted, they go back to teach others.

justjustyna said...

Oh believe me they try. I say, "Yes, I want my brain to be washed". Should I give up salvation for an earth that's blinded by it's own gods and idols? let's think about that.....no.

Here's what's sad: Jesus of the Nazarene sect was followed by 12 although he preached to many. If He said "I will come again not to bear sin but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for me" you think he won't come? Anything impossible for God...even to come as a Korean?

Chez said...

Then they should come physically drag you away. I'm dead serious about that.

It'd be great to think that this was some sort of performance art project you were pulling -- unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

Sorry, but you've been duped. Your beliefs are nonsense and your little Korean guy and the "New Jerusalem Mother" are frauds. But hey, believe whatever the hell you want -- it doesn't affect me in the least, particularly since all that stuff you prophecize is never going to happen.

So sad to see you like this, though.

Christine said...

At least women have a tendency to wear shirts like that, or immediately divulge that they're really into Christ... it's a lot harder to tell with men, because even the really hardcore Jesus freaks won't necessarily tell you right away about their daily obsession with the Lord. Guess that male desire to get laid (even if it's a looong term prospect in some cases) overrules even the most diligent of brainwashing.

Welcome back to the land of dating. It sucks worse than you remember.

Chez said...

Trust me, Christine -- I won't be dating anytime soon. In fact one of my most daunting fears is that I'll become so misanthropic after all of this (and everything that came before it) that I won't even allow myself to tolerate anyone. It eats me alive to think that I might arrive at a place like that.

Jeremy said...

oh... and all the memories of grudge fucking Catholic girls after my last messy split come flooding back...

Izar Talon said...

They have some really great shirts online that say "Jesus Saves" on the front.

And then say "And Only Takes Half Damage" on the back.


Well, maybe you have to be a D&D geek to get it. But the Erol Otus drawing of Jesus holding a mace is awesome.

Nicole said...

Eh, no sympathy from me. Single life mostly sucks ass (with the lone highlight of not having to answer to anyone) and I'm slogging through it just like you, kiddo.

oceanblue1 said...

That could be a workout shirt she got just for working out, Chez. I got a work out shirt for The University of Western Kentucky - I have never even been to Kentucky. Even if she is a Jesus freak, she could be freaky in other ways...

winged unicorn said...

gee whiz and i was just going to say, maybe it's about time you got off your ass and did something for someone else. you assume that because she's doing a charity run she's a sicko christian and not a true christian a la deke?

man oh man, what would you say about my MS150 shirts [i do charity bike rides, 150 miles, REAL big here in florida]?

Chez said...

Sorry, Unicorn -- could you translate that into English?