Monday, April 13, 2009

Bigger Love


Hey everybody, fill up that diaphragm with a shot of Jack and hold it up high, because I've got great news: the circle of Quiverfull insanity has just begun anew for the Duggar clan. This morning, the Today show continued its bizarre love affair with America's favorite Evangelical baby factory by allowing them to make the special announcement that Jim Bob and Michelle's oldest son, Josh, and his soon-to-be-permanently-10cm-dilated wife Anna are -- wait for it -- gonna have a baby. (Your move, Octomom!) This is word that will come as a complete shock to anyone lucky enough to have been in a medically-induced coma for the last several years. So, one more time for the cheap seats, let's bring back my plea to the American media to please, we beg you, stop the madness. Because you just know Michelle Duggar's already pregnant with number 19 and just didn't want to steal young Anna's thunder this morning.

Dear Media,

I'm writing today to issue a plea on behalf of the sane, reasonably well-adjusted people all across this country of ours. It's, admittedly, a move borne out of desperation and spawned from the mind of someone who's been pushed to the brink of madness, but I would only hope that this fact underscores the anguish being felt by the American people and therefore the seriousness of what I'm about to say.

Please, in the name of all that's decent, stop, stop, stop treating the Duggars like they're celebrities.

This morning, like clockwork, the Duggar family -- Jim Bob, Michelle, her clown car vagina, and the 18 kids whose names all inexplicably begin with the letter "J" -- made their traditional appearance on NBC's Today to show off the latest addition to their constantly expanding litter. As always, they basked in the glow of the national media spotlight, were treated to oodles of warm encomia, and took the opportunity to joyfully drop the name of the Lord every few seconds like there was some kind of Skinner Box treat in it for them.

The Today show has become something akin to the official press secretariat of the Duggars -- excitedly fawning over each birth and the fresh pregnancy announcement that invariably, immediately follows it as if this information were something that actually mattered to anyone. But, obviously, Today isn't alone in its cultural elevation of the Duggars from crazy homemade cult to all-American heroes.

And make no mistake -- these people are indeed crazy.

Completely out of their fucking minds.

You know something, though? That's okay. They're entitled to live their lives however the hell they want; as long as none of their kids -- born an average of one a year since 1988 -- ends up on welfare and we the taxpayers have to foot the bill for little Jolene or Jonah. I honestly couldn't care less that there's an insane family living in Arkansas cranking out children because God says so. The problem is that you, the media -- NBC, ABC, TLC, etc. -- keep giving these people face time, thereby convincing them that everyone in this country not crazier than a shithouse rat actually loves hearing the latest news about Michelle Duggar's de-elasticized cervix. I'm not suggesting that you're encouraging them -- since you couldn't, as they take their cues from a supposedly higher authority -- but you are giving them the chance to hawk their books, TV show and the assorted other crap that allows them to afford to continue spitting out kids like chocolates coming down a conveyor belt. These people shouldn't be cast in a positive light. They shouldn't be cast in any light at all. If they want to keep trying to single-handedly overpopulate the Earth for Jesus, they should have to pay for it without the help of your unwarranted free publicity, media.

Let's see how long they'd last once the gravy train you guys happily play conductor of dries up.

Like Paris Hilton, whose career you're also guilty of perpetuating and foisting on an exhausted public, the Duggars are famous only for their unusual sexual habits.

And like Paris Hilton, they've never deserved the wealth of attention you've lavished on them. They're religious zealots who won't stop having babies. That's it. Nothing more.

So once again, knock it the hell off. Stop shoving this family down our collective throat.

If the Duggars one day make the announcement that they've decided to start using contraception, or if one of their kids comes out with horns or something, feel free to give them a couple minutes of airtime. Until then, remember that you're the mainstream media -- not Procreation Quarterly and not a carnival barker.

Leave the freakshow to the circus folk, okay?

Thanks and Happy Holidays,

Chez

17 comments:

Deborah said...

I don't have cable, so I don't see this stuff, but of course I hear about it. Here's what you DON'T hear from the Duggars, though. The scary shit that is behind this hyper-procreation: The Quiverfull Movement. In case you're not familiar, it's a fundamentalist, evangelical, PATRIARCHAL, and(ostensibly) Biblical movement. Interestingly, just this morning someone e-mailed me something about Quiverfull. There's a book out by a woman named Kathryn Joyce...not herself a proponent - in fact I think quite the opposite - but she seems to have written an evenhanded, journalistic accounting of Quiverfull. Not yet read the book, although I'm dying to...apparently there are even folks in this movement who believe that women's "suffrage" should be repealed. I think that these people should just stop the pretending and put their women in burquas, for Christ's sake.

Lily's Mommy said...

I like looking at the family portrait and making guesses about who's going to end up in porn, who will be the meth addict, etc. I'm kind of evil and bitchy that way.

Quiverfull? Sounds like Papa Dugger's pants.

Janice said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Everyone that watches their show and gives the news their higher ratings when they are on are just as guilty.

Damn, someone castrate his ass, PLEASE!!! Anyways, why would Jim Bob and Michelle care, they really don't take care of all their children, the older kids do the childrearing of their younger siblings as it is. That in itself is child abuse in my book. Jim Bob and Michelle wanted those kids, let them take care of the little ones.

Janice

Chez said...

HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT? Children are a gift from the Lord. They're like flowers (as Michelle Duggar repeats ad nauseam every time someone points a camera at her); you can NEVER have enough flowers, right?

Deborah said...

Flowers? I thought it was arrows for the quiver. It is from a Bible passage to that effect that the name of the movement stems. I think, though, that "flowers" is a more, shall we say, telegenic way of putting it.

Oh, and they HONEST TO GOD believe that having zillions of babies is how they will overtake the world with their fundamentalist doctrine. Seriously. It's all over the place in their teachings.

Tracer Bullet said...

It's never somebody who looks like Salma Hayek involved in this kind of thing. I mean, I could see giving her 22 children -- if you were married to Salma Hayek, would you ever leave the bedroom? But no. It's always dumpy, pancake-assed hausfraus with bad perms and clothes from K-Mart's Jacqueline Smith Collection who end up having kids by the carload. I don't imagine a grown man who willingly goes by the name "Jim Bob" is all that discerning, but how does he keep gearing himself up to face Michele's distended nethers night after night?

Nancy said...

Preach it, Brother! Preach it.

Anonymous said...

Flowers? Does that mean her snatch is about as big as a sunflower?

Deacon Blue said...

I absolutely refuse to be excited that I will have another opportunity soon to ridicule the Duggars, Chez. Until there is actually a pregnancy announcement about #19, I am going to remain prepared but take no action.

The eldest child is but a stripling. It will take too many years for Josh to bring up his brood to ridicule-able levels.

And damn you for getting me all excited that Michelle was idiotically pregnant again. I saw the Duggars and was about to wallow in savagery, man. How could you do that to me?

However, having a shot of Jack from a diaphragm does sound like an interesting exercise...

Kel said...

I smell a reality/sit-com.. Survivor: Duggars.

Narbe said...

I think they're trying to send a message to Octo-mom along the lines of "this here is the original clown car vagina, and ain't no one gonna come close!"

MelodyLane said...

Please don't remind me of their existence. I loathe them.

Anonymous said...

I can't look away, it's like a snake, or a car accident. I'm particularly fond of Octomom. What is her deal? I have never watched any of these shows, but when I see an article, I have to read it. Also, it's not that Jim Bob and the Missus are having a lot of sex, it's that they hit every time they do!

Anonymous said...

J is for JESUS!

winged unicorn said...

maybe if we taught the duggars the joys of manual, oral and/or anal sex that madness would stop.

my 83 year old aunt's comment: asshole. why doesn't she make him pull out and shoot his load on her face? she couldn't look any pastier faced!

Lily's Mommy said...

Ooh! Can I guess at their family motto?

Is it "Fucking for Jesus"?

em said...

It's kind of a wonder that the Duggar matriarch can even walk around while pregnant without the fetus shooting out of her as if on a Slip-n-Slide. If they deserve kudos for anything, it's that.