Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Tuesday Wednesday is Recycling Day


"I'm Mark Foley, and I Approved this Message" (Originally Published, 10.1.06)

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take One

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made children a priority. From my work as the head of the Congressional Caucus on Children's Issues, to my personal, hands-on experience with teenage boys, I've always...

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Two

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I'd like to take a minute to talk to you about something that's important to all of us.

Our children.

Throughout my distinguished career, I've always made the well-being of children a priority. I got head from children with issues...

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Three

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

I... uh... I forgot my lines, can I get a page to bring them to me?

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Four

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley.

We all want our children to grow up healthy and strong -- especially our young boys. Mmmmm... young boys.

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hello, I'm Congressman Mark Foley and I'm from Florida.

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Five

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hi there folks, I'm Mark Foley... and I'm running for Archbishop.

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Six

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hey, that fat bastard Hastert said it was okay!

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Seven

Sweeping Music/Opening Montage of Patriotic Images -- Dissolve to Foley on Capitol Steps


Hi folks, I'm Mark Foley... and the only thing I fuck harder than male congressional pages, is the Republican Party...

CUT

XXXXXXXXXX

Foley for Congress Commercial -- Take Eight

Music: The Miracles' (I'm Just A) Love Machine/Opening Montage of Mark Foley in Bermuda Dancing with Jim McGreevey and Various Shirtless Boys -- Dissolve to Foley Sitting at Office Computer (Right Hand is Hidden from View)


Hi, I'm Mark Foley.

So I secretly lust after teenage boys... so what. The truth is that as a Republican, as long as I self-righteously stand against the twin-scourges of abortion and gay marriage... and of course fight to keep a feeding tube stuck down the throat of any Floridian who happens to be in a persistent vegetative state... the rest of my brain-dead constituency will be sure to keep my political career going in some form or another. Sure, I had to tender an obligatory resignation. I'll lay low for awhile, then reappear and issue a heartfelt mea culpa wherein I say something about having sinned against God and looking for forgiveness and blah, blah, blah. The Florida voters and the GOP will probably give me another chance. I mean, come on... the guys at the top of my party's food chain knew what I was doing and kept it quiet. I know we're religious and all, but who would've thought we'd officially adopt so much Catholic Church doctrine.

Look... our party's given you George W. Bush, Tom DeLay, Rick Santorum, Duke Cunningham and a guy who tells Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself and shoots old men in the face. Our unopposed rule has seen the 9/11 attacks, two wars, the loss of our respect and moral authority around the globe, too many scandals to mention, and the drowning of New Orleans. Yet look who's still in control. You guys are like the victims of spousal abuse... you just keep making excuses and coming back for more. You let this happen.

So vote for me, or don't. Remember, this is Florida... I'll get elected regardless.

Music Swell -- Voice Over

"This message brought to you by Boy Scout Veterans for Truth."

Contact Mark Foley at www.myspace.com/congressman4boyz

CUT

PRINT

2 comments:

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Cool!

winged unicorn said...

huh. if he'd been reading from a teleprompter maybe he'd have gotten it right the first time:

hi, i'm congressman mark foley. i'm concerned about the well-being of today's young people. i will personally strip search any young person suspected of harboring illegal substances on their person.
thank you.

this message has been approved by the RNC, the vatican and NAMBLA.