Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tuesday is Recycling Day


"I Know This Much Is True" (Originally Published, 9.14.07)

I know that her favorite movie is Billy Elliot ... I know she loves Irish Breakfasts but usually only takes one or two bites of the blood pudding ... I know she has endometriosis, and is usually in pain because of it ... I know she likes the pictures I take of her ... I know she loves Firefly, but only got into it recently ... I know she's always wanted to play the lead in Gypsy, but not as much as she'd like to play Sally Bowles ... I know that she absolutely kills when she does Liza's version of Cabaret at karaoke, and that I can't wipe the smile off my face when I see and hear it ... I know that there was once a black man in her bed (inside joke) ... I know that she'll drink Dewars and water but prefers single malt ... I know that she would die for any member of her family ... I know that her favorite perfume is Chanel #5 and she usually quotes Marilyn Monroe when asked about it ... I know that she'll often go to sleep in a tank top and underwear or pajama pants but wake up naked ... I know she hates Miami ... I know that she always, always smells good ... I know she watches House religiously, even the repeats ... I know she's had a lot of pain in her past, but handles it with an astonishing amount of grace ... I know she didn't used to be a dog person but now loves them and misses Brian in particular ... I know that she desperately wanted more people at her wedding and wished that my tux had fit just a little better (I agree on both counts) ... I know that she wants nothing more on her birthday than to have all her friends together ... I know she finds a metaphor in bamboo and loves New York deli-bought flowers ... I know that when she talks and listens to you, she makes you feel like you're the only person in the world ... I know that she wants Natalie Portman to play her in the movie ... I know that she is singular ... I know that she hasn't always had such a great handle on how to eat edamame ... I know she'll try any kind of food at least once ... I know she worships at the altar of Eddie Izzard and never gets tired of watching Dress to Kill (she can make the "Fuckin' French" face like it's a career) ... I know she loves Zero 7 and Blue Six's Close to Home ... I know she does a mean impression of Sia ... I know she hyperventilates in the presence of Jeffrey Steingarten and is practically on a first name basis with Wylie Dufresne ... I know she sometimes exclaims "Hi baby!" when she first sees me, in a pretend Southern drawl ... I know she's as comfortable eating Bar-BQ with her fingers and drinking Budweisers in Brooklyn as she is elegantly dining at Gordon Ramsay in London ... I know she looks adorable in her undies that say "Cheese" on the front with a picture of a mouse, and "Quackers" on the back with a picture of two ducks, but not as adorable as she looks in her leopard-print ones ... I know she smiles when she's nervous ... I know she drinks water from the opposite side of a cup when she gets the hiccups, and swears that it works ... I know that there is no greater home entertainer and party host among all the discovered worlds ... I know that she knows that penguins love tamales ... I know she appreciates Wal-Mart ... I know there's a Nicole Miller dress she's dying to get ... I know that Greece changed her ... I know the summer when she was 19 did as well ... I know she's family ... I know she likes it when I sing Green Day ... I know that she and I have the same tattoo ... I know she's a New York girl at heart ... I know that losing her grandmother devastated her, and having gotten to know the woman myself, I understand why ... I know she's my lobster ... I know she wants a Vespa ... I know she sat through all four Alien movies as a favor to me and liked three and four best ... I know she loves both the film and book version of The Motorcycle Diaries ... I know that she considers herself a "musical theater geek" ... I know she does a pretty damn good impression of the "Meatwad Dance" ... I know she likes Pepperwood Grove Pinot Noir (excellent and inexpensive!) ... I know she actually cried during the third Lord of the Rings movie ... I know that she loves to remind me how old she was when I was a senior in high school (eight) and that the day of her birth, unbeknownst to me at the time, was a very special day in my life ... I know she understands that to know about the giggle loop is to become part of the giggle loop ... I know she also understands the significance of a stuffed sea lion named "Toast" ... I know that there's an almost unbelievable coincidence between her wedding ring and mine ... I know that the aforementioned Brian once probably gave her a concussion ... I know she appreciates Garden State in a way that I might not be able to ... I know she likes to have a hand placed gently on the small of her back when you're walking side-by-side with her ... I know that she's wanted to go back to school for quite awhile ... I know she cusses like a truck driver ... I know we once wound up getting food poisoning together (nothing brings you closer) ... I know she's secretly not an athiest ... I know she's not a bitch -- she's bitchin', but she's not a bitch ... I know she's reveled in being the cool and concerned stepmother ... I know she was once the cutest waitress/countergirl in Fenwick Island, Delaware and that because of those days, she now avoids blackberry brandy ... I know that her eyes are hazel to green (depending) and have one large fleck of dark color -- like the eye of Jupiter -- in each ... I know she loves being a muse ... I know that she smiles, though her heart is aching ... I know she likes sea urchin and octopus salad ... I know she can't eat walnuts, scallops or shrimp ... I know that her allergy to the last of those three won't stop her from putting a shrimp head on each finger and making them dance ... I know she gets most, but not all of my jokes, and that she's better for her lack of absolute comprehension in this matter ... I know that no one -- no one -- looks better getting out of bed and walking across the room to the bathroom in the morning ... I know that she understands what the loss of my best friend did and continues to do to me ... I know that very few people give her the haircut she asks for ... I know she has a thing against pigeons ... I know at least 20 things about her that I would never mention publicly ... I know that there are two pictures of our feet together: one taken on a chair-lift in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, the other on a hammock on a tiny island in the Caribbean ... I know that her showers last longer than most baseball games ... I know that I melt every time I think of her singing "You are My Sunshine" to me ... I know that whenever she liked something, she used to say "It makes me happy" in a little girl voice, but that she doesn't say it much anymore -- and maybe I should've noticed that ... I know that Cruel Intentions is her favorite bad movie ... I know that she loves Jeff Buckley ... I know that she gets a kick out of going back to the Bowl Grill in Reading, PA whenever she's home, just to show off a little ... I know that she's more supportive than she needs to be ... I know that she loves the smell of cocoa butter ... I know that she enjoys the fact that one of her brothers is a brilliant pyromaniac and the other is a musical genius who loves chocolate milk ... I know she falls asleep in the middle of the bed when she's drunk, then mumbles to herself ... I know she'll watch While You Were Sleeping and You've Got Mail whenever either is on, and that it cheers her up when she's crying and I say, "Don't cry, Shopgirl" ... I know that she knows as much about me as I know about her ... I know that somewhere out there, there's an asshole who got a pretty good amount of money for her first engagement ring ... I know that, if I actually owned one, I would in fact allow her to wear my fraternity shirt right-side out, in spite of the rule against such things ... I know that, for all I know, she might have let me win in Trivial Pursuit ... I know she would've voted for Billy Mack's "Christmas is All Around Us" if given the chance ... I know about Bree ... I know that Denny Crane makes her laugh hysterically ... I know that she likes the Tommy Gnosis version of Wicked Little Town just a little more than the Hedwig version (I agree) ... I know that there isn't much in this world sexier than her singing Joydrop's American Dreamgirl while riding in the car ... I know that she wants to finally get her driver's license ... I know that she loves the Geico caveman commercials ... I know that she'd like to be either Holly Golightly or Inara Serra, just without all the prostitution ... I know she gets a kick out of it when I call her Starbuck ... I know she could watch YouTube videos of the Tini 500 all day ... I know she loves my family, and not simply out of obligation ... I know that she remembers exactly where we were when I told her I loved her, and what it felt like -- and that I remember when she whispered it back to me ... I know she enjoys telling people how 9/11 brought us together ... I know she loves sundresses and silly hats ... I know she speaks French better when she gets a little tipsy ... I know she still remembers dining at Cafe Marly, by the light of the Pei pyramid in the courtyard of the Louvre, and that we weren't supposed to be eating there in the first place ... I know that she's always been something more than what people expected ... I know that she's all I know ... I know that she's never teased me for being obsessed with Strictly Ballroom ... I know she can decypher the tattoos on my forearms, and loves not just what they say but how they look ... I know her father's nickname for her ... I know the secret recipe ... I know of her affinity for Dagny Taggart ... I know that the best meal she ever ate involved Wagyu beef, oysters, great wine, a truly wonderful server, myself and Drew Curtis ... I know that she knows what happened to me the day after that particular dinner, and likes telling people all about it ... I know about her cowlick, and what a pain she thinks it is ... I know about the difficulties she had as a young girl, taking care of her mom-mom ... I know she knows what kind of BEAR is BEST, and that she, like me, is personally invested in Jim & Pam's relationship ... I know that I have her name tattooed on my left shoulder ... I know she once did a play with a guy in a gorilla suit ... I know she once did another play where one of her lines was "How's your tallywhacker hangin'?" ... I know that she'll probably never forgive me for divulging that ... I know that she sometimes shakes her butt like Cameron Diaz in Charlie's Angels when she's feeling especially goofy ... I know she'll probably never forgive me for divulging that either ... I know that she thinks she's the uncoolest person on the planet, which in fact makes her exactly the opposite ... I know she doesn't much care for white chocolate ... I know she loves Phish Food ... I know that she was kind enough to clean up after her idiot husband when he threw up all over the corner of the bathroom at her cousin's house ... I know that the same idiot husband has held her on the floor of their own bathroom several times as she's thrown up ... I know that he's watched her doubled-over in pain on that same bathroom floor because of her endo, and cried because he felt powerless to stop her from hurting ... I know that he once refused to leave a doctor's office until that doctor promised to help stop her pain ... I know that she won the karaoke competition onboard the Norwegian Sun during our cruise, and that she instantly became a shipwide celebrity ... I know how beautiful she looks when she's sleeping ... I know that she's Defying Gravity ... I know that if it hadn't been for her, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now, and I certainly wouldn't have my own website on which to put it ... I know she has crushes on Jon Stewart and Captain Malcolm Reynolds ... I know she thinks it's her sister who got the booty ... I know she believes that I've taught her a tremendous amount, when in reality it's the other way around ... I know she's always been my happily ever after ... I know that there are a thousand things I'm leaving out ... I know that in spite of everything I know, she remains a mystery to me ... I know that I've hurt her, and that she's hurt me -- but that I don't care about the latter anywhere near as much as I do the former ... I know that I'm sorry ... I know that I love her more than words could ever express ... I know that in the end, none of this matters much ...

I know that I have to let her go.

42 comments:

Greg said...

While I can't claim to know what's going on in your life on a deeply personal level, Chez, this post managed to accomplish two things:

I've never read words that describe a man's unabashed love and devotion to a woman like that before... and I wish you and Jane could work it out. I really do. You both deserve real, long-term happiness.

And for the record, you didn't alienate yourself from anyone with your comments on this blog. You've presented some of the best blogging I've ever seen on the net. Anyone who would not hire you on the basis of having the integrity and courage to say what you say isn't worth working for anyway.

Mr. Controversy said...

Wow...I am terribly sorry. I can't believe it, but then again this is real life. Shit happens, and you're lucky if you get an explaination. I know you're not the pitying type, and you don't take sycophantic lightly; so what I'm about to say isn't sycophantic or pitying, in fact it's what a lot of people who read here are going to say.

I'm here if you need to talk. You're a great guy, and it sucks that something so beautiful and so wonderful has run its course. But it seems like you have things in perspective, and the only thing that needs to happen now is the natural passage of time.

To paraphrase an old song, you'll only miss her when you think of her. The only problem with that is for a while, you'll be thinking of her all the time.

Amy said...

I'm sorry.

It's not enough, but there are no words that would be enough.

I know this is just a blog, and I know that it's obviously not "all" but your photos, and your words convey a love that I will admit to being envious of.

I'm sorry - it's not enough, but it's all I have. :(

brite said...

Chez,
I started at the top of the page, thinking how lovely and passionate your "I know This Much Is True' is and then worked my way down to "Here's Where The Story Ends". I am sorry, for all three of you. It's just....sad. Wishing you, Jayne and Inara some peace and happiness.

John said...

Man, I'm sorry to read this. As someone who got divorced just two years ago, I wasn't even able to finish everything you had written. I'm pretty much over my divorce now, but your post reminds me of how I felt at the time. I still know my ex more than anyone else, probably better than she knows herself.

I don't know what you're going through, but on the other hand...I know. I wish you well.

Riles said...

I always loved this post -- mainly because I was jealous that I don't know my own wife as well as you know Jayne -- and this gave me something to aspire to. The reason you are recycling this post is sad...take care man.

Anonymous said...

Chez--I'm so sorry. I'm a regular reader who has admired you and your family for a long time, who has laughed and cried with you before. Many of us are feeling this loss with you now--please know this, though you'll have to be alone though much of what must come.

The Army Wife said...

Nothing anybody says will make it better, especially coming from a bunch of strangers on the web.

But, I will say that I am very, very sorry. And we're here to listen. I know it's not much, but we're here.

Anonymous said...

You are a writer, no question, and in Dead Star Twilight you said beautiful things about your second wife, too. But reading this, I can't believe you two can't work it out. I'm trying to get my husband back, please consider trying to not "let Jayne go".

Jeremy said...

Damnit Chez,
I made it through the other two posts biting my tongue and keeping a stiff upper lip.
Now I'm crying. And now I really want to go home and hug my Christina and tell her how important she is and how little I deserve her.
And I want all my worries about us to go back to that tiny spot where they were shoved away before you posted all this shit.
And I want to say I'm sorry. Because I've been there, and I really know your pain, and that not a fucking thing any of us say is gonna change that.
But for what its worth, I'm sorry.

Chez said...

I was planning to stay out of this as far as the comment section goes, but I have to respond to you, Anon 3:16. My relationship with Jayne is in an entirely different universe from my former relationship with Kara, or anyone else for that matter. I just have to make that crystal clear.

And as for letting go -- it's a decision that wasn't entirely voluntary. Sometimes you're put in a position where you're left with absolutely no choice.

Anonymous said...

sorry if this comes off rude or simple-minded...BUT, it appears that you liked her more than she did you; and maybe that means nothing more than a lack of appreciation on her part, and not so much for you in particular, but for the challenges and rewards of a long term relationship.

ALSO!!--there is NO HARDER TIME IN A RELATIONSHIP then the first year of a newborn's life!! even if the relationship is 100% solid going into it--with the hormones, exhaustion, expectations, fears of fucking up, demands, other family intrusions, and on and on and on--it's still incredibly hard and most mothers want (at some point, to varying degrees of serious intent) want to run the fuck away! it's just all too much!!

now, maybe you and jayne aren't meant to be together, and if that's the case then that is what will be. if you are meant to separate, then the best you can do for your child is to be the best people you can be to each other and you don't have to be together to be great parents to inara.

may understanding, acceptance and peace find you in the darkness of your suffering.

blackbird said...

You're right. If she can read this and still want to go....well, you know.

Anonymous said...

Bummer. Chin up. //c

Jason said...

Whatever you do, don't let it affect your relationship with your daughter. Even as separate people you must remain united in the cause to raise her. She will always, always look to you both as one person; even though your situation may not allow you to live as one person, you can still parent as one person.

Doc said...

All the best to you buddy. No simple words can lessen the pain or heal you quicker. Remember the good times, let the memories of the bad fade, and don't fall for the quick relief of a bottle or pill.

Hang in there, a day, a week, a year will pass and you'll be ok. You'll still be a dad to your lovely daughter, you'll still be getting pissed off about some political BS happening, and you'll laugh about some crazy shit again.

Felis Femina said...

I have always loved this post. I wish it didn't have to end up this way for the two of you.

cgwalt said...

Holy moly Chez....

Sad.

...you still have your health.


*quiet gallows laugh*

Feelbettersoonsomedaysoonitwillnothurtsomuch.

Anonymous said...

I agree that Jayne never appreciated you like you did her. And I am so sorry that she never did, even if she thought she did. It is her loss. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Be strong. There are many people who love you.. family, friends, even us readers who have never met you. Maybe you will find love again, maybe you won't. But as cliche' as this is- this will make you stronger. Next time you decide to marry or even commit in any way, you will be wiser and more cautious about her honesty, commitment, and faithfulness toward you. And if you never find love again, you will always have the love of a beautiful daughter who will see you as the most important man in her life. We are behind you. Good luck and may you find peace in all of this.

Anonymous said...

Single dads are hot.


Too soon??


(Hope it made you laugh, or at least smile for a second or two.)

Laser Rocket Arm said...

Please, PLEASE say Inara was not an attempt to hold the marriage together. "We can't get along ... oh, wait, maybe a BABY will help!" I remember she was shortly conceived after the first breakup which is what prompts my post.

Who gave up first, you or Jayne?

Marriage isn't one long OMG IFLU fest. It's more two friends settling into each other, taking the good with the bad. Divorce is a copout (IMO). Shame on you to whatever pussy decided that a months-long legal battle was more important to making do with what one had. Seriously, you had a child together. You would injure her world because OMG you didn't achieve perfect happiness? If that's the case, both you AND Jayne suck. HARD.

Elessa said...

after reading the three posts i am very saddened for you.

i hope you are realising how many of us out here on the web truly do care about you while we may not know you in RL, we know you and love you as a friend.

i am one of the many who checks your site a couple times daily to read your thoughts, to be introduced to new music and old i had forgotten, and to share your view of the world.

thank you for your presence. may you, jayne and inara find peace.

Chez said...

LRA -- calm down, please.

And see my above comment.

countryjoe said...

Having gone through a very hard divorce myself in 1985 when my daughter was 5 at the time, and then raising her by myself, know that the only thing that matters from this point forward is Inara. Always be Daddy, always be there for her no matter what it takes. Everything else is just fluff.
Time does heal all wounds.

blackbird said...

Woah there, Laser Rocket Arm. Is that really necessary?

Until you walk in someone else's shoes - EXACT SHOES (which really can't be done) - save the judgments. I'm sure you'd appreciate that kind of treatment yourself.

Beth said...

The Internet can make it seem as if you know someone when you really don't. I don't know you, and you don't know me. But I'm so sorry to hear about you and Jayne. It must have been an incredibly painful decision for both of you. I appreciate and admire your honesty. Take care.

Squrrox said...

Fuck, man. Try a little (Veruca) Salt on the wounds:

I crawl out of sight for you, dear
I melt with the night, I disappear
I won't have more fun with you
never get drunk with you
I'll let you go for good


I'm hoping that with your oft-proclaimed penchant for the early-90s, you'll manage a wry smile.

See You Next Tuesday said...

Hey Chez...

I left you a nice note on FB, but man.....I've been seeing a lot of April Fool's blog posts, and some part of me really hopes that you're laying down a brutal one here.

I'd be happily pwnd if this were the case.

Che Grovera said...

Saw this unfolding yesterday (without realizing about your editorial change of heart), but decided to let it simmer rather than post immediately. I think I'm glad I did; whatever I say now will be quite unlike what I might have said last night, although which (if either) version might be better is probably a matter of conjecture.

It's apparent that you're still holding back, and that is absolutely your prerogative. However, sensing that the story is incomplete makes it difficult and awkward to try to say much of anything. It's also pretty clear that you're working hard not to make Jayne appear to be the bad one...also your prerogative. And good for you.

There are wide swathes of your story that feel very much like mine; I've mentioned my tussles with addiction before, but there's also the current marital unrest and the way you describe it. My wife and I have been trying to deal with an apparent incompatibility in emotional styles (for lack of a better way to put it), which is really my polite way of saying that her reactions to things piss me off as do my reactions piss her off. It's like living through erosion -- you wake up one day and realize that everything has been smoothed off into a flat, singular nothingness. This is really, really hard to comprehend when you consider what a beautiful landscape there was at the start...

L. said...

I've got to disagree with you there, Laser Rocket Arm. Staying together for the kid(s) is a terrible idea. Children can be the result of a relationship, but they should never be the cause. It only leads to resentment, and the kid will notice.

It takes a much bigger pussy to use a child as a reason to stay in a relationship than it does to realize everyone (even the kid) could be happier if the relationship ended.

And Chez, I know I don't know you and it probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry.

Mack said...

Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes, well, he eats you.

jrm78 said...

This is lovely and bittersweet, since we know how it ends. I hope the split is amicable instead of acrimonious, and that you both are able to find happiness for Inara's sake.

Dev said...

I have been enjoying your blog for several years, and I would like to thank you for sharing your brilliant and unflinching words.

I wish I could do more, but the best way I can show you my support is by buying your book and encouraging others to do so. I can’t wait to read it.

Good luck, Chez.

Brandon said...

I'm sorry for your hard time. Best of luck to you, Jayne, and your cute daughter. You both seem like bright, mature people so you two will find a way to make this situation work as best it can.

Anonymous said...

I won't bore you with my own tumults.....and I know no one has ever written or thought about me the way you have about her.....But I want you to know that I want you to get through this somehow, for you, for bambina......Don't know what else to say. I changed jobs on the 9th of March, and I finally got back on here, and I was like WTF? Take care of yourself and Inara...eat, sleep, try and find beauty in the world.

chenry said...

Hey LRA,

Shut your pie-hole, eh?

Alice said...

what bothers me the most after reading this ode, this undying devotion you have for her, is that I question why ANY woman would give that up.

EVER.

I'm so sorry it didn't work out, hon -- I really am.

em said...

I'm sorry to hear about this, Chez. I read this the first time you posted it, and...not going to lie, it still makes me cry when I read it. Good luck to you and Jayne...

lisa said...

I wish someone felt this way about me.

MelodyLane said...

LRA, I've waited to write this until now. As a child of parents who didn't want to be married to each other, yet too stubborn to get out, let me tell you that any parent who thinks that staying together in a bad marriage is better for the kids is dead wrong. No kid deserves that. Believe me, I have first hand knowledge of that. Until you know exactly what's going on with a relationship, don't make assumptions. They only make you look like a giant ass.

Creative Freakin' Genius said...

When I started to read it, I kept thinking "Yes. That's what I want. Someone in my life who knows me the way he knows her." Then I figured out this was a repost and that the situation had changed. "Sorry" doesn't mean a damn thing coming from someone who stops by from time to time to read your blog and doesn't know you at all. But I am sorry. Truly. I hope that you can both find peace and happiness and a way to bring up your daughter together.

simian ratikus said...

Chez, that was painful. Beautifully, amazingly painful.

I don't know you, but I'm truly very sorry. I wish you, Inara, and Jayne the best.