This only works if you're honest.
One of the reasons I've enjoyed putting this little blog together for so long is that it's allowed me the chance to write about a host of topics that I feel I need to write about -- whether it involves voicing my admittedly inconsequential opinions or simply working through my own personal traumas. I've always been as open and fearless as I know how, and that's what's made the nonsense here occasionally worth stopping by for (or so I'm told).
Lately, though, I've been covering up a lot. I've held back both professionally and personally because I feel like it would be prudent to actually concern myself with the potential negative consequences of continuing to put it all out there online. The reason I'm doing this now, as opposed to having done it a long time ago, is that for the first time since starting this site, there's very real instability in my life. A genuine sense of not knowing what the next day will bring on almost every front. The economy has stripped media jobs clean, making it tougher to nail down the kind of serious work that would support, say, an eight-month-old baby girl -- and I have no doubt that I've paid a certain price for some of the things I've said publicly and in spectacular fashion (which is not to say that I regret any of it; I don't). Meanwhile, the ongoing drama that has been my and my wife's relationship over the past few years has reached a point of critical mass.
Which is what led me to post a column yesterday morning at around 5:30AM called "Here's Where the Story Ends." (A good rule of thumb: Always react with trepidation to anything published in the wee hours, when the person writing it isn't in the best frame of mind.) Those who subscribe to this site's RSS feed received this piece, but found that it didn't actually exist on the main page. That's because within minutes of posting it I thought the better of my actions and took the thing down.
I did this because it just hurt too much to put feelings into words -- which for me generally makes the tenuous blur of thoughts within my own head into a concrete reality -- and because I wasn't ready for the readers of this site or the inevitable Facebook crowd to draw battle lines and offer opinions on a situation that's both painful and personal. I didn't want to create a maudlin and grotesque spectacle -- and I still don't.
But I've never held back or kept anything hidden, and I'm not sure I should start now.
I have to be honest.
So, beneath this post is the one I published yesterday and quickly removed.
The truth would've come out one way or the other anyway.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Posted by Chez at 9:20 AM