Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Here's Where the Story Ends
Anyone who's followed this site regularly over the past few years knows that my relationship with my wife, Jayne, has seen its highs and lows.
On more than one occasion, I've written about my love and passion for, and loyalty to, the woman who's been my partner for seven years -- while also documenting the painful trials our marriage has endured. Jayne is and always will be my one true love -- my one real romance. In many ways, she's the best thing that ever happened to me.
We've been through so much together. It's almost impossible to imagine my life without her in it.
And yet that's exactly what I'm now going to have to do.
In spite of the birth of our new baby, Inara, whom we both love more than anything in this world, Jayne and I have come to the conclusion that we just can't continue being married to each other. If this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because about a year-and-a-half ago we were on the verge of separating and only managed to salvage things at seemingly the very last minute. At the time, I honestly felt that we'd make it -- that we loved each other and would pull through as a couple. I know now that this was nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, based on the most idealistic of notions: faith, love, belief. I know now that we've been living on borrowed time for years, and that no amount of work on the part of either, or both, of us can save what is hopelessly broken.
It's hard to fathom how two people who once cared for each other so powerfully -- who looked out for each other's best interests and shared a common dream of growing old together -- can now watch the future they planned for die. It's even harder to fathom how that future can be scrapped a mere eight months after the most joyous moment in their lives as a couple: the birth of their little girl. But, to be honest, I'm through looking for answers. At some point you have to give up and accept the reality of the situation, and I guess I'm finally there.
Jayne's hurt me in ways that many would find shocking and unimaginable; she's done things that have changed me fundamentally. I have to assume that if you asked her, she'd make the same claim about me. The bottom line is that the relationship that once brought the two of us so much happiness now brings only pain, and while I've always been willing to work through our issues and fight for our marriage, I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and sad and angry and heartbroken and, well, done. I'm just done.
I have no idea what the future holds for me at this point -- aside from a decision to leave New York with Inara, temporarily -- but I know I'll be okay. I'm sure Jayne will be too. I'll miss her so much. I'll miss us. I'll miss our family. I don't want to love her anymore, but I guess that it's inevitable. What I finally understand, though, is that in the end it doesn't matter.
Love isn't enough. It never was.