Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Here's Where the Story Ends


Anyone who's followed this site regularly over the past few years knows that my relationship with my wife, Jayne, has seen its highs and lows.

On more than one occasion, I've written about my love and passion for, and loyalty to, the woman who's been my partner for seven years -- while also documenting the painful trials our marriage has endured. Jayne is and always will be my one true love -- my one real romance. In many ways, she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

We've been through so much together. It's almost impossible to imagine my life without her in it.

And yet that's exactly what I'm now going to have to do.

In spite of the birth of our new baby, Inara, whom we both love more than anything in this world, Jayne and I have come to the conclusion that we just can't continue being married to each other. If this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because about a year-and-a-half ago we were on the verge of separating and only managed to salvage things at seemingly the very last minute. At the time, I honestly felt that we'd make it -- that we loved each other and would pull through as a couple. I know now that this was nothing more than wishful thinking on my part, based on the most idealistic of notions: faith, love, belief. I know now that we've been living on borrowed time for years, and that no amount of work on the part of either, or both, of us can save what is hopelessly broken.

It's hard to fathom how two people who once cared for each other so powerfully -- who looked out for each other's best interests and shared a common dream of growing old together -- can now watch the future they planned for die. It's even harder to fathom how that future can be scrapped a mere eight months after the most joyous moment in their lives as a couple: the birth of their little girl. But, to be honest, I'm through looking for answers. At some point you have to give up and accept the reality of the situation, and I guess I'm finally there.

Jayne's hurt me in ways that many would find shocking and unimaginable; she's done things that have changed me fundamentally. I have to assume that if you asked her, she'd make the same claim about me. The bottom line is that the relationship that once brought the two of us so much happiness now brings only pain, and while I've always been willing to work through our issues and fight for our marriage, I just can't do it anymore. I'm exhausted and sad and angry and heartbroken and, well, done. I'm just done.

I have no idea what the future holds for me at this point -- aside from a decision to leave New York with Inara, temporarily -- but I know I'll be okay. I'm sure Jayne will be too. I'll miss her so much. I'll miss us. I'll miss our family. I don't want to love her anymore, but I guess that it's inevitable. What I finally understand, though, is that in the end it doesn't matter.

Love isn't enough. It never was.

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

So sorry. Not much else I can say, but you both need to do what is best for each of you. It's not easy.

Anonymous said...

I give you credit for trying, repeatedly, and having the strength to stop trying as well. I hope you both find the lasting sort of happiness.

- Kara

Jeanne said...

I am so sorry for all three of you.

ntx said...

Oh Chez. So sorry.

Anonymous said...

good for you for deciding to take care of the little one on your own. very strong of you. you'll pull through this.

A Bowl Of Stupid said...

I too am sorry. If there's anything I can do to help, I hope you know you need only ask.

Regardless of what the future holds, as you said, Jayne is an incredible person. You are an incredible person. And in the end ... all 3 of you will all be okay.

Trust in yourself, my friend.

Kevin M. Hagerman said...

Chez, your honesty moves me to tears. Be well.

Anonymous said...

inara is blessed to have such a good father.

Withnail said...

Aw, christ. I feel I know you guys. I mean, I don't know you at all, but through your writing and photos and passion for life and family, I feel that I do. And that made me feel good, because you were a good person who believed in what I believed and I felt better knowing that you're on my side.

I'm terribly sorry, man.

SteveR said...

I'm so sorry, Chez.

Lily's Mommy said...

I'm sorry too. It doesn't really seem like enough words to acknowledge the dissolution of one of your most important relationships.

I hope that things are resolved maturely and with the least amount of pain possible. But as a parent, I shudder for what Inara's going to go through.

Anonymous said...

Be well and above all else take care of yourself. You're no good to anyone if you don't. So take care of yourself. Please.

Simon Owens said...

This is terrible Chez, I'm so sorry.

Another Jen said...

Aw man, I am so sorry to hear this. I wish you, Jayne, and Inara nothing but the best in life...and it sounds like this might be the only way for you all to get it.

zoe said...

Chez, I'm so sorry. This really does suck. But, as a kid of divorce, let me assure you: both you and Jayne love Inara. She'll have a tough time, but she WILL be ok in the end.

Anonymous said...

So sorry. Some of us remember what Jayne put you through 2 summers ago and felt terrible for you. But after you decided to work through it, I think we all thought very highly of you for sticking around and trying. Good for you for trying your best, and good for you for knowing when enough is enough. Take care.

Deacon Blue said...

Damn...just, damn. Whether you need 'em or want 'em, the only thing I can offer besides my sympathies are my prayers.

Best to you, Inara and Jayne...

Fred said...

To lose that one great connection, the bond- It is more devastating than many understand.

It is without the religious implication (The quote was spiritual in nature) I quote one of my favorites:

"Faith manages.".

Chez, remaining strong is the most difficult thing right now but have faith in yourself, and that little miracle you helped into this world.

My thoughts are of you and your path ahead.

drater said...

So sorry, Chez. Just an hour ago I said goodbye to some old friends who were visiting from out of state with their four kids. They put up a good front, but the kids are the only thing keeping them together. Why do relationships have to be so frickin' hard?

Steven Lloyd Wilson said...

The end of the world is always personal and it's always absolute. There is no relativity in the end of your world; it's the same when you lose a loved one to individual circumstance or to nuclear war.

It's a curious failing of our psychology, this plateau of tragedy. It lets us rationalize all manner of horror because it doesn't scale past the point of personal tragedy. But it also is what gives us the strength to survive anything, because every one of us who has seen tragedy knows how bad it can get, knows that on some level it can't get any worse than what we have already survived.

So Christ, Chez, I'm sorry to hear this. Don't let it eat you, but accept that it will change you. And think about giving California a try, thinking about what Vonnegut said.

toddono said...

So sorry to hear this, Chez... Good luck with all of this...
(Like someone else said, I feel I know you from your writing but in reality I don't. Still, hang in there.)

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, what is in our best interest forces us to make the hardest choice imaginable. Take solace in the fact that you've made the right decision, for you and Inara.

Michael said...

Chez, my thoughts are with you. As someone who has watched friends go through this, you are making the best choice for you, which in the end will work out best for your little one also. Stay strong, you have people whom you help, and will in turn be able to help you, even if it is with words alone.

OmegaMom said...

I'm so sorry, Chez.

Dan said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Chez, I wish all three of you the best of luck.

tsynnott said...

This is so sad. From one to another: Don't drink.

Riles said...

Wow, I'm sorry Chez. Take care and stay strong.

Al said...

Part of me, not knowing the particulars of your situation but knowing how marriage *is* a roller coaster, wants to grab you both by the lapels and tell you to take a moment and truly reconsider the consequences of this decision.

Then I realize that it's because I've read the love in your words and want to believe it can indeed overcome anything...but then I snap back to reality and know that it simply cannot.

It takes guts to stay, but it also takes them to admit when staying simply does not make sense anymore.

I'm really sorry that you guys reached that point despite trying to hard not to. Take care.

Anonymous said...

For most of my life I have vehemently denied the existence of God, spirituality, the unseen, etc. I am not a man of faith. But reading these last entries about your relationship gone sour have made me realize how inexplicably I will defend the existence of love.

Just because your life has come down to this point is no reason to deny "faith, love, [and] belief". You want to know the reality of the situation? Nothing is ever hopelessly broken. It's only perceived so by people that are too selfish to compromise. They are so bothered by issues that, no matter how morally wrong they might have been, are truly trivial when you love someone. They create their own barriers out of selfishness; it's your CHOICE to walk away, don't blame it on impossibility.

Do what is best for you, Jayne, and Inara - but don't you dare burn your bridges down in a fit of rage. The future has two options: move on and find your own way towards a different life, or agree to disagree and realize that you two love each other too much to be stupid.

aaron said...

I'm very sorry to hear this. My best wishes to you, Jayne, and Inara. I hope you can all be happy, and if it requires being apart then that's a regrettable reality.

Captainfirst said...

Damn, damn, damn! I've had a feeling the last week or so that this might be what was going on with you, and I'm so sorry I was correct about that. If it helps any, you're being sent good thoughts from out here in San Francisco.

Chris said...

Sorry to hear that. So sad when something ends... on the plus side, you are now beginning something new.

Best of luck to you on your new journey.

Lee said...

"Love is not a game, love is not a toy
Love's no romance
Love will do you in, love will wash you out
Needless to say, you won't stand a chance
You won't stand a chance"
--Paul Simon

Chez, I am so very sorry. I wish you, Inara and Jayne peace during what I can only imagine must be an incredibly painful time.

romana said...

having been through this, it is agony you think you will never recover from.

the love of my life and i could not live together. it was like burning alive inside. but many years later, we have found a richer, deeper friendship. it has taken much work, even through both of us giving marriage with other people a go, (both failing), and it was definitely a priority for both of us to put our magic offspring first. so much so, he is a beloved second father to the two little ones of mine (from illfated next attempt). birthdays and xmas are celebrated as one big family as a result, and the kids know they are free to spend some time at dad's any damn time they want. hell, *I* am welcome there any time i want:) i was valued guest at his second wedding, as he was with me, and we went hand in hand to our divorce, sad but close still.

it took much work, and much time, but we recognised we still valued each other, and our children, too much to throw it all away. it can be done. but baby steps. allow yourself the time it takes, do not rush into anything to fill gaps or make pain go away. it will heal in time, if you let it.

and focus on your magic daughter. she can grow up knowing two amazing people love and adore her, and respect and value each other, just live in different places. my amazingly grounded kids (one now adult, two teens) are proof of that:) my little ones even benefit from it now. this can make you stronger and richer than before, but be patient with yourself, and gentle.

and you owe us nothing, but we are here for you.

CenPaMom said...

Chez - I read your post with tears in my eyes, because I could hear the pain in what you were writing...if there is even just one sliver of making this work, even if you both just need some time apart, please consider it. I know you realize that breaking apart is hell. As a child of divorce (twice) and sadly one that also went through a divorce while pregnant with the very child that my ex husband wanted me to abort, I know about deep, seemingly never ending pain. But I also understand that when you've given all you've got, that's all that you can do.

Please, for little Inara's sake, be civil and kind to each other through this...that goes to both of you. It makes things so much easier. For years, my ex and I did this, but unfortunately, he's trying (unsuccessfully) to wring me through the cleaners again, but he won't win (that's another awful long story in and of itself).

And in agreement with Romana, we are here for you.

I'm so deeply sorry that all of you are going through this.

Bill White said...

Chez-I'm sorry. I wish the best for you. You're a talented young man with a lot of good years ahead of himself. I'm an old, fat, crusty man who doesn't understand what's going on in this world. My advice: Chase your dreams. I've done enough with myself. It's amazing that I'm still here, but I wish I could get those years back when I didn't care about tomorrow. What could I have been today? I'll never know, Chez. So here I am banging away on a dusty HP Pavilion in my shed with a wife who's in my kitchen baking me pies to make me even fatter and two adult boys in my upstairs doing Lord knows what. Fly young man! Love, B.O. White

Dawn said...

Chez,

Without knowing me, you've had a huge influence on my heart with this blog and with your book.

Please don't be offended that I'm sending loving energy and, yes, praying for you, and am very disappointed because that's all I can do.

Be as well as you can, and know that a lot of love travels with you.

I am not Star Jones said...

I only know you via your blog but I'm sorry.

BonnieBelle said...

I'm so very sorry to read this. I truly hope everything works out for all three of you.

Christine said...

Dammit Chez, my intuition had been nudging and kicking me for a while now, and I was doing my best to ignore it and hope for the best. It's amazing and unfortunate that two otherwise really good people can hurt each other so much in the context of a relationship. Sometimes old cliches are around for a reason.

Stupid as it probably sounds from all of us, whatever we can do for you, for either of you, the collective is out there willing to help.

Right now, hugs and strength your way.

courtney 1 said...

it's funny how much you feel you can know someone without ever actually meeting. it sucks life with jayne hasn't worked out. reading everything of yours that i have it was always very easy to see how much you loved her.
so now just put all of your love into inara and heal.
i put my everything into my daughters after my husband and i fell apart, and that helped me more than anything else.

dammitjanet said...

My fiance has taken care of his 2 sons since he got divorced, when they were only 3 and 1. They are now 19 and 17. They are wonderful kids, and have a great relationship.

It's not impossible. It can be done. Take care of the 2 of you.

Anonymous said...

Jayne looks good on paper. She also has an excellent telephone voice. That's all. She doesn't exist as a "person" per se. Surprise, surprise, you weren't strong enough to maintain the façade for both of you. Because, sir, you may actually have an inner life, you now have an obligation to be a real person for that freaking (lovely) kid that the two of you selfishly produced to save your non-existent, joke of a marriage. Now, put on your big boy pants and do it. Don't worry about clothes, Jayne will dress her up nice.